The concept of an “orgasmic life” first appeared on the vision board I created five years ago when I started my business The Power of Pleasure after having just left a two decades long sexless marriage. To me, living an orgasmic life means that you are living a life that flows easily, without struggle, just like how an orgasm happens. What I learned on my journey of sexual healing and awakening is that sexuality is at the core of our being. It is powerful beyond words. Not only can it help us achieve a state of sexual bliss, but it can also alter the course of our entire life. Dynamic personal growth and transformation are available when a woman fully connects with her sexuality and orgasmic potential. When this happens, she will inevitably experience a flood of new life force energy and a surge of creativity. The result is typically a profound shift in her intimate life that ripples out into every part of her world.
In the pages that follow, I will share my story and the stories of other women and men who have made this surprising transformation. Read with an open heart, and you will begin to feel the vital flame of your sexuality begin to flicker. In each chapter, I will share essential lessons that can take your sex life from ho-hum or nonexistent to fulfilling on every level.
You will learn a practical approach that is simple, but not always easy. Through a process of inquiry and self-reflection, coupled with self-directed activities, you will discover:
•The many factors that cause women to shut down their sexuality
•Why it’s so hard to talk about sex in a world where everything is about sex
•The number one reason women lose their desire for sex and what to do about it
•How sexual trauma can occur and how to heal it
•Your sexual blueprint: what it is and how to read it
•How attachment theory relates to your intimate life
•What the journey to sexual healing looks like
•How to find your path to pleasure
•Awakening your body through somatic and hands-on healing
•How to reignite your libido
•The truth about your pleasure potential
•What you can do to start living an orgasmic life in the bedroom and beyond
If I could transform my sex life at the age of fifty, I know for certain that you can as well, whether you are twenty-five or sixty-five. If you feel broken or disconnected from your sexual self, find yourself avoiding lovemaking, or can’t sustain intimacy, this book will help you reclaim your sexuality and move toward living an orgasmic life. Welcome to the journey.
A Note about Terminology
For many women, what we call our sexual body parts is a charged subject. I recently had a woman walk out of one of my classes when I used the word “pussy.” And while Donald Trump’s sadly derisive use of the term during his 2016 presidential campaign made “pussy” a household word, it still makes many women uncomfortable. There are many words for vagina and penis from which to choose, and what is offensive to one woman may be endearing to another. I use words for sexual body parts interchangeably to help you see that a word is just a word. It’s the connotation, belief system, and socialization that make words feel charged.
Here are the words for female and male genitalia I will use in this book:
•Vagina/Vulva
•Pussy
•Yoni
•Penis
•Cock
•Lingam
I encourage you to add to this list all the names you’ve heard, read, or used for vaginas and penises, including nicknames that you may have for your own, or your partner’s, body parts. Then pick the ones that you like and start using them.
For My LGBTQ Friends
The nature of this book that recounts my own heteronormative relationships, as well as client case studies involving my client population, requires me to delve into the differences between cisgender men and women when it comes to intimacy and sexuality. I have tried to use gender-neutral terms wherever possible (e.g., “partner” rather than “wife/husband” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”). I hope that you will find much of the information in this book useful in examining your own relationships and sexuality regardless of the genders of the subjects.
One Night Can Change Your Life
At thirty-five years of age, I absolutely HATED sex. Everything about it was painful. Intercourse just plain hurt, and I’d landed in the doctor’s office with female problems more times than I could count. Just thinking about sex was stressful. Talking about it was impossible. So, like many couples, my husband and I simply stopped having sex. If you had told me that I’d be having multiple orgasms, ejaculating, and riding hour-long waves of orgasmic pleasure in my fifties, I would have said, “You must be on drugs.”
How does a woman who has lost all interest in sex and whose libido has been in a decades long slumber wake up to discover the delights of lovemaking, reclaim her sexuality, and begin to live an orgasmic life? It all started from a chance encounter on OK Cupid, an online dating site, where I met Eric, also known as “Tantra Man.” Eric offered me an experience that changed the course of my life.
It was a hot summer night in Midtown Manhattan. When Eric welcomed me into his apartment, I smiled, breathing in the sweet smell of rosehips. He’d invited me over for a relaxed Sunday evening, promising a big surprise. He was an excellent cook and had made us dinner a couple times before, so I assumed the surprise was a special menu. Over the previous three days, I’d been musing about what might be in store. But he wasn’t wearing his chef apron and designer jeans per usual. In fact, his attire was downright unusual: he was wearing nothing but a sarong, a body length multicolored scarf, tied around his waist. I was startled and a wee bit tongue-tied at first—I’d never seen anyone wear a sarong in New York—but managed to untie my tongue and ask, with just a hint of sarcasm, “So is that my surprise? We’re going to Maui?”
He smiled, said, “Nooooooo…” and with a sweep of his arm, led me into the apartment, which was rather warm. I decided he must have chosen the sarong due to the heat and felt myself relax.
He directed me toward his beautiful leather sofa and I sat down. He placed a lovely tray of cheese, nuts, crudités, and crackers on the coffee table, along with an expensive bottle of red wine.
Hmmm…I thought. This, too, was a break from his usual behavior. He’d never served appetizers before. What in the world did he have in mind?
I’d met Eric several months earlier on OKCupid. When we first crossed paths, he was recently separated from his wife of many years. I found him to be incredibly needy, even clingy, and sexually aggressive in a way that really turned me off. Our relationship, such as it was, had been rather rocky. We’d broken up a couple of times over the first few months. He really hadn’t a clue how to treat a woman, but he was extremely smart, interesting to talk to, and a successful businessman. We were so well-matched intellectually that I stayed in the game. Not in a gazillion years would I have guessed he’d be the man to change the game for me entirely.
Eric sat down on the couch a good foot and a half away from me. I was thankful for the space and