Anger was telling Karen to hurt her son. But if hurting a child verbally or physically were effective in correcting bad behaviors, then abused children would be the most well behaved children of all. This is obviously not the case. Shouting and hitting will only bring about fear or rebellion in a child. The child might behave properly only because he or she is scared. Ruling by fear only works as long as the child is still afraid of you and the punishment, and as long as you are in your commander-inchief uniform. Can you imagine what will happen when your child no longer fears you and your punishment, or that commander-in-chief is not around to watch over him? In addition, the damage done to a child in exchange for such obedience is enormous and irreversible.
Karen was left with three choices: She could react to her anger and hurt her son to make herself feel better. She could turn away as if nothing had happened and concentrate on her busy social life. Or she could practice the Three Steps of Anger Management with Benevolence (that we’ll discuss next) to calm herself down and get the best result.
The Three Steps of Anger Management with Benevolence
Step One
Cool off with Benevolent Thoughts
Benevolent thoughts in relationship to anger are like water to fire. The bigger the fire, the more water we need to put it out. The angrier we are, the more benevolent thoughts we need to calm us down. Yet having water and aiming incorrectly does not help put out the fire either. That is why we need precision, which can only be achieved with a clear mind. This is when we need to have a timeout. We need a timeout to clear our mind of the smoke and to see clearly what is happening so that then we can see how benevolent thoughts can help. There are four benevolent thoughts that can help and they are as follows.
1. Understand the Other Person.
Do not fret when the other person does not understanding you; Fret when you do not understand the other person.
(Analects 1.16)
You must try to understand why the person made you angry. In Karen’s case, Karen will need to understand why her child misbehaved and find a reason to be angry at the behavior and not the child. It is only by asking “Why” from the child’s point of view that we will understand why he acted the way he did.
In the previous example, Charles was rude to his mother because he was angry with her for controlling and monitoring his Internet use. He was also angry with her because he felt she had decided to take away, or at least reduce, his joy of life without even telling him about it. On top of that, he felt that she did not show any respect for his privacy by installing a monitor program in his computer without telling him anything about it in advance. Once Karen starts to understand the way that her son is thinking, her heart will feel less disturbed.
Can we do this in all situations? Yes. Even if we do not completely comprehend our children’s point of view, taking a practical look at the situation will help us understand our children a little bit more. Close your eyes and see your children as the individuals they are becoming and realize that they are not there yet. Depending on the age of the child, we should take into account that their immaturity is one great factor that drove them to do the “bad” things they did. A little understanding will go a long way.
2. Have Compassion.
If successful in extracting the truth of a criminal case, do not congratulate yourself, but have compassion for them.
(Analects 19.19)
A benevolent person needs to have compassion for the person who misbehaves. Karen’s son could have explained nicely to his mother why he was so upset with the new set up, but he was only eleven years old and immature in his judgment. Instead of condemning your child right away, try to feel for him—you will certainly feel better inside if you do.
This takes more than just understanding his side of the story—it asks you to feel his pain or other emotions. Karen’s son was very angry when he slammed the door. If Charles was a benevolent young man, he would have felt the pain in his mother’s heart when he shouted “get lost.” Compassion is feeling another’s emotions, and it is the most crucial response to cultivate to prevent violence against another human being or against any other living being on earth. Do you ever feel the pain of another person? The more you can feel your child’s fear and pain when you hurt him with your hand or your words, the harder it is for you to assault him. In addition, the more your child learns about benevolence, the more he will appreciate the effects of his actions on his parents and others.
3. Look at Your Own Contribution to the Problem
I have yet to meet the person who could perceive his own mistake and inwardly criticize himself.
(Analects 5.27)
Confucius regrets that he could not find people who are able to criticize themselves. What could Karen have done to avoid her son’s outburst? She could have discussed the new Internet setup with her son before installing it, she could have taught him about anger management, or she could have taught him the importance of respect in the house. Only when we look at our own contribution to a situation will we see it fairly and honestly. If you did something wrong, admit it. Just admitting it to yourself is a great help. Not only will your admittance help to resolve the situation, but you will also be teaching your child an important lesson on self-reflection and accepting responsibility.
4. Kindness is Irresistible
Do not impose on others what you do not desire.
(Analects 12.2)
In other words, don’t do to others what you do not want others to do to you. This is one principle that we have heard over and over again in different texts and different languages. It is the golden rule of benevolence. If each one of us can say this quote in our minds each time we think of hurting another person, physically or verbally, a lot of unkind acts can been avoided. Everybody loves to be treated kindly—even the most unkind person in the world will not be able to resist kindness.
Karen could kick open the door, or unlock it with her key, drag Charles out of his room, and act like a raging bull. She could say and do all the things that will serve the purpose of hurting Charles. And do you know what Charles would be thinking? He would be thinking of how to hurt his mother back, for he is also very angry. And the cycle will go on and on.
There is another possibility. Karen could treat Charles with kindness and respect just like she would like to be treated, after all that is what Karen would like to teach Charles. She could sit down with her son after both of them have calmed down and have recuperated from the terrible incident. She should act kindly not because she wants to be permissive but because she knows that the power of kindness will get her the result she desires. If Karen is able to clear her mind of anger and is able to respond instead of react to her son’s rudeness, then it is time to move on to step two and step three.
Step Two
Think Clearly with Wisdom
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