Three Virtues of Effective Parenting. Shirley Yuen

above. However, once we have reviewed and examined our own behavior, we must be ready to acknowledge our own mistakes, if any, and reform. Let’s take a common example. Imagine that your three-year-old son has just burned his hand on the stove in the kitchen. You might have told him a hundred times that the kitchen is definitely a no-entry zone for him, but he is only a curious and careless child. A benevolent person will admit their own carelessness and instead of just shouting at the child for his disobedience, will start thinking about installing a safety gate to prevent the child from going into the kitchen when someone is cooking. Looking for ways to remedy the problem ourselves, and admitting any mistakes we may have made, are the first steps towards finding out what needs to be done to avoid repeating the same mistake again. Think of it this way, if you do not admit your own carelessness when your child burns his hand and install a safety gate, the next time he might end up with a pot of boiling hot water on his face.

      Always Act with Sincere Intentions

      Benevolence involves being the first to willingly take on a difficult task and the last to think about reward or recognition.

      (Analects 6.22)

      Parenting is no easy task, and it seems to be getting harder and harder in today’s world. Benevolence helps us accept the challenge willingly for the sake of our children and not the sake of reward or recognition for ourselves. You will have more patience and kindness when your intention is sincere. When you focus on the well-being of your child, and not on reward or recognition for yourself, you will find it easier to differentiate the right responses from the wrong ones.

      In parenting, having the right goal is in fact the best guideline to help you make the right parenting decisions. When our goal is clear and full of good intention for the well-being of our child, our energy will focus on doing just that. On the other hand, when our goal is self-serving rewards or recognition, our actions will also follow accordingly. For example, if your goal is to experience power and to feel the thrill of being able to control others, then don’t give your children any opportunity or support to learn to make their own decisions. But don’t be surprised if your children end up resentful, spiteful, and unable to function independently in the world. Or if you want to be affirmed by being recognized as “the Most Easygoing Dad in the Neighborhood” by your daughter and her friends, then by all means indulge her every whim but don’t be surprised if, from an excess of freedom and a lack of healthy boundaries, she grows up to be manipulative, selfish, spoiled, and even harms herself by not having a healthy sense of safe and moral parameters.

      Benevolence requires that one work hard for the right result. It is so much easier to buy your three-year-old the candy bar he wants in the supermarket then to have to learn how to deal with his screams and unreasonable demands in front of all the people around you. It is not easy to let your preteen daughter go to her first summer camp hundreds of miles away from home when it feels so much “safer” to have her attend summer school in your own neighborhood. It always seems harder to put the wellness of others before our own, but if we parent with benevolence, we will receive a different kind of reward and recognition from our children, which may prove to be far more deeply fulfilling than we ever could have imagined.

      Practice Self-Control

      Benevolence is to restrain oneself from what you want to say and do, so that one can retain propriety. (Analects 12.1)

      Benevolence helps parents to engage in self-control and maintain the standard of socially acceptable conduct or speech. This is much easier when we are dealing with our friends. When it comes to our own children we tend to take more liberties with propriety. Imagine yourself shouting and yelling at your friends when they do something wrong. If you did that, it might be a while before you hear from them again. Imagine shouting and yelling at your child for something not acceptable to you. Your child may fear and obey you, but do you know what will he be thinking? Does he really understand the lesson or is he just being obedient?

      When we practice self-control—when we allow ourselves a moment to pause and see the situation carefully—we will think twice about what we want to say or do. When we are upset or angry, we often say and do things we wish, in retrospect, that we hadn’t. Do not underestimate the effect of abusing words; they could hurt a child as badly as your fist. In fact, bruises and wounds heal in time, but pain caused by abusing words from parents might last a lifetime. The virtue of benevolence teaches us to control our impulsiveness, to not say and do things that are inappropriate. Many parenting experts suggest a time-out—a cool down period—for both parents and children when tempers are roused. You will be surprised at how much more easily you can control yourself if you take a fiveminute time-out when you want to hurt your child with words or action. Not only will your child respect you more, but you will also be able to see your child as a young and immature person who also deserves to be guided with respect.

      

BENEVOLENT BEHAVIOR

      FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING

      Be Firm, Determined, Honest, and Deliberate

      Being firm, determined, honest, and deliberate in speech is close to benevolent conduct. (Analects 13.27)

      Effective parenting brings results. Benevolent conduct helps us to accomplish what we want to achieve. If we want to be an effective parent, practicing benevolent conduct is a good way to start.

      Be firm with discipline. When it comes to discipline, you need to be firm with what you believe is important to raise a happy, healthy, and well-balanced child. Do not give in to the pitiful look of your beloved little angel when she needs to be disciplined so she can learn right from wrong; likewise, don’t allow yourself to become intimidated by the angry look on your teenager’s face when you set healthy boundaries on their freedom. Being firm does not necessarily take shouting and yelling. Parents can be firm by being gentle and soft-spoken. All you want to do is to let your child know that you are firm because it is your responsibility to discipline him well. However, it is important to make sure that you are firm and reasonable.

      Be determined to be the best parent possible. Where there is a will, there is a way. If you are determined to be the best parent to your child, there is really nothing that can stop you from achieving that goal. If you lack the knowledge, learn from others and from all the parenting help available. If you lack the perfect personality, cultivate what it takes to be the kind of parent you want yourself to be. Once you set your mind to become “the best” parent for your child, all paths will lead you there.

      Be honest with yourself. In parenting, it is as important to be honest with yourself as it is to be honest with your children. You need to be honest with your children so that you can gain their trust. Honesty requires you to go deeper into your subconscious mind, to see that you are not lying to yourself. You need to be honest with yourself so that you can gain insight into what is genuinely going on in front of you and within you. What you like to believe is going on might not be what is really going on.

      Be careful with what you say to your child. Confucius taught about the importance of speech in human relationships. Confucius said, “A benevolent person is slow and careful in speech.” (Analects 12.3) So think carefully before you speak, especially when you are angry or discouraged. Sometimes if you don’t know what to say, be silent. Silence might not help to solve any problem, but at least it will not cause more harm or any immediate damage.

      Accept Each Other’s Differences

      A benevolent person seeks harmony and not sameness.

      (Analects 13.23)

      You might not like your daughter’s pink highlights or purple hair; you might not be able to stand your son’s low cut oversized pants, or you may not understand why your daughter’s jeans need to look like they are one size too small, but that doesn’t mean that what you dislike is definitely wrong. Your child might not think that all you do is right either.

      In order to seek harmony in your parent/child relationship, you and your