In the next three chapters you will learn more about Confucius’ three universal virtues and how they can help with your difficult challenges in parenting. By being able to apply them whenever you are at a crossroad, parenting will become more simple and effective, and you will truly become free from anxiety, confusion, and fear.
Chapter One
Benevolence for Reaching the Heart of Your Child
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ACCORDING TO CONFUCIUS, BENEVOLENCE IS THE MOST important virtue. The Chinese character for benevolence is made up of two elements, ren (person) and er (two). In other words, benevolence is relationship oriented, relating one human being to another.
In its simplest form, benevolence can be expressed as “Love your fellow man.” Confucius believed that all humans were born with benevolence but that this virtue will wither without cultivation. It is not a ready-made gift, but an accomplishment that one has to achieve. To be benevolent is not what we are as a person, but what we do and become. Those who uncover the power of benevolence will gradually think and act in a different, more virtuous manner, and eventually will become an exemplary person who will enjoy life even when the world around them—with or without children screaming—is in turmoil. A person of benevolence will not be changed by the environment, but instead will change the environment for the better.
Many people think that cultivating benevolence is to make the lives of others better or to make the world a better place. These are both true, but this overlooks the fact that by practicing benevolence, we are ourselves the beneficiary as well as the benefactor. Benevolence provides us with a more loving way to look at life, a better way to treat the people around us, and a wonderful way to be loved by others.
Benevolence is the force behind a calm and tranquil life, even if you are an over-scheduled mom or dad. Confucius said, “Those who are benevolent will have nothing to worry or fear.” When asked if that means that those who have no worries or fears can necessarily claim themselves to be benevolent, Confucius answered, “If examining oneself and you have nothing to regret, why be worried or fearful?” (Analects 9.29)
Confucius believed that benevolence had different meanings for different people. For a student who was impulsive and violent, benevolence meant patience and kindness. For a student who was shy and timid, benevolence meant the ability to be strong when it came to fighting for what was right. In parenting, benevolence will also mean different things at different times and will express itself in different ways according to your nature. If you are permissive, you may see benevolence as firmness and strength, while if you are authoritative, you will see it as patience and understanding.
The Five Merits of the Benevolent Parent
Though everyone’s definition of benevolence may be a little different, the following five merits of benevolent individuals hold true for all. When asked about the merits of benevolence, Confucius listed these five:
They are respectfulness, forgiveness, trustworthiness, diligence, and generosity.
If you are respectful, you will not suffer humiliation
If you are forgiving, you win the support of many
If you are trustworthy, others will trust and rely on you
If you are diligent, you will be successful
If you are generous, you be able to employ others effectively.
(Analects 17.6)
We can all apply this to our parenting styles to see that:
• If we respect our children, which is not the same as indulging them, we will not induce contempt from them.
• If we forgive and understand, while teaching them the lesson behind their mistakes, we will win our children’s hearts.
• If we can prove ourselves to be trustworthy, our children will trust and rely on our guidance.
• If we are diligent and practice good parenting, we will become successful parents.
• If we are generous with our time, care, and love we will gain our children’s heartfelt dedication.
For many people, the five merits of benevolence all sound so familiar. Most people are respectful to their boss, forgiving to their spouse, trustworthy to their friends, diligent in their work, and generous to the needy. But the five merits of benevolence may have been neglected in relationship to their children. Often people do not realize the power of these five merits in the arena of parenting. They do not realize that their children’s behavior, both good and bad, is directly related to their own actions. In other words, children are, in fact, reacting to their parents’ actions every day.
Examine Yourself before You Blame Others
Benevolent persons make demands on themselves; petty persons make demands on others. (Analects 15.21)
It is almost impossible for even the best parents to go through parenthood without encountering some kind of problem in their parenting. When trouble occurs, it is important to review and examine one’s own behavior first before blaming others. It is common to hear parents blaming children’s problems on the media or the values of popular culture, on their peer groups, schools, and often, on the children themselves. Benevolence asks for self-examination.
The reward for self-examination is threefold. First of all, we will be able to see our own mistakes that might have been overlooked. Secondly, we will be able to learn from those mistakes and avoid making them again. Thirdly, by being able to admit our own mistakes, we will be able to be more patient, because only those who admit their own mistakes will truly understand how difficult it is to correct them and change.
For example, if your child has lied to you, do not immediately blame him or her for their dishonesty. Instead, reflect on what you could have done to prevent the misbehavior. Benevolent parents will question themselves as well as their children in their search for answers. Did we appear to be too stubborn and uncompromising to our child? Are we really too stubborn and uncompromising? If the answer is yes, we can learn our mistake and further investigate the root of the problem.
Children, especially young children, do not lie for fun. They lie because they are afraid to tell the truth. Some parents think that fear will contribute to their children’s obedience, but fear often trains them to achieve their goals by lying or doing things behind your back. This is too big a price to pay. Be firm with what is not acceptable, but try to be reasonable and teach your children to achieve their goals by communicating with you and not by lying to you.
Admitting our own mistakes is difficult for our egos, but it is only by graciously admitting our own flaws to ourselves that we get to understand why our children cannot be flawless. For example, only if we admit to ourselves that we are procrastinating at work can we truly understand why it is so difficult for our children to stop procrastinating when it comes to doing their schoolwork.
Mistakes May Be Blessings in Disguise
When benevolent persons make mistakes, they do not hesitate to reform. (Analects 1.8)
Benevolence