This was as challenging a concept to grasp then as it is now. When Confucius’ students did not understand how one individual could have such a great impact upon the world, Confucius told them that this was one of the great secrets of the ancients.
Taking his staff, he drew circles within circles in the sand as he taught this lesson:
“When the ancients wished to illustrate virtue throughout the kingdom, they first ordered their own states,
Wishing to order well their states, they first regulated their families.
Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their selves.
Wishing to cultivate their selves, they first changed their hearts.
Wishing to change their hearts, they first sought to be sincere in thought.
Wishing to be sincere in their thoughts, they first sought true knowledge within the soul.”
Gazing at the circles, the light of understanding began to shine from the eyes of the students. Yet before they could ask another question, the Master continued:
“Having sought out true knowledge in the soul, they became sincere in their thoughts.
Their thoughts sincere, their hearts were changed.
Their hearts changed, their selves were transformed.
Their selves transformed, their families were well regulated
Their families well regulated, their states were well governed.
Their states well governed, the kingdom was at peace.”
—The Way of Virtue
When we think about and meditate upon Confucius’ words, we can begin to understand how virtuous living, like a pebble tossed in a pond, can ripple across all of life. If we cultivate virtue in ourselves, we will affect not only our own lives, but also the lives of all of those around us—expecially our children. It is from this recognition that we will explore the three universal virtues of Confucius’ teachings.
How do we use virtues to cultivate ourselves from within? Virtue is not the same as moral principles or a code of ethics, which require us to be judged by a certain fixed standard. Virtue is moral character that we cultivate within ourselves and that determines the goodness of our own actions. In essence, virtue is about taking the right action for the right result. The cultivation of virtues will help us gain the insights to make the right choices and perform the right actions. Confucius believed that virtues are shown in the excellence of our actions in relationship with other people. How we act toward others affects people in positive or negative ways. When we act with virtue we will always positively affect our relationships as well as our own personal lives.
The power of virtue is in its influence. Virtue can gradually change our own behavior, and then through our positive influence, the behavior of the people around us without the use of coercion or violence. It is clear to see how this directly relates to parenting and how it may help us with many of our dilemmas. Parenting in today’s world is not easy. There are more parenting books than ever before and yet there also seem to be more problems with today’s children. We receive mixed messages every day about what we should consider to be important, or even true, and we can easily lose the focus of what will provide the essential foundation for all our parenting decisions. Virtue can help to remind us of the goodness we must always strive for in ourselves and in our parenting.
Practicing virtue in parenting leads to two distinct benefits. First, it brings about changes within yourself—not just so you are a better parent, but also a better person. Check with your spouse, friends, neighbors and even your dog, they will all be drawn closer to you when you become a bigger person in your heart. Second, it brings about the spontaneous cultivation of virtue in your children. For all parenting experts agree that the most important role model for your child is you.
Exemplary persons concentrate their efforts on the root,
for the root having taken hold; the way will grow there from.
(Analects 1.2)
According to Confucius, everything has its root and its branches. Confucius puts great emphasis on the root, for the root must come first. The branches, which only grow once the root has been established, are much less stressed in Confucius’ teaching. The order of this sequence cannot be altered. At times, people may fail to distinguish the root from the branches, and so they fail to distinguish between that which should be greatly emphasized and that which should receive less of our attention.
The root of parenting is the rectification of the heart. This will help us withstand difficulties and crises in parenting. A heart that is rectified with virtue will prepare you for all the challenges and the joys in parenting. As we work our way through this book, we will often pause to reflect upon the root and branches of common parenting issues—for only when we find the root will we be able to find the proper solution for each problem.
There is a Chinese saying “Once you get into the habit of doing something, it will become a natural part of you.” The cultivation of virtue is not a quick process. There is no button to push for instant download. Virtues can only be learned, experienced, and practiced, and the key is practice, practice, and practice. Eventually you will see that not only will your child start to feel at ease with you, but you will also feel the ease and peace inside yourself.
A person of benevolence is never anxious; a person of wisdom is never confused; a person of courage is never fearful.
(Analects 9.29)
Confucius named benevolence, wisdom, and courage the three universal virtues. They are universally binding and are each closely related. Wisdom aims at the knowledge of benevolence, and courage at its practice. By learning and practicing these three virtues, parenting will become simpler because you will no longer be fundamentally anxious, confused, or fearful.
Does this mean that parents who are not anxious, confused, or fearful in parenting are instantly benevolent, wise, and courageous? The answer is no. A parent who does not care about the well-being of a child will never be anxious; a parent who does not bother to learn about the different ways to parent will never be confused; a parent who is not concerned with the consequence of his actions will never be fearful. Yet, this does not mean these parents are virtuous. Only by instilling the virtues of benevolence, wisdom, and courage will you be able to see how right decisions will lead to right results, and in so doing you will become free from anxiety, confusion, and fear.
By learning how to apply the three universal virtues in parenting, you will be one big step closer to effective parenting. By incorporating the three virtues in your parental choices (or in any other life choices), you can rest assured that you will be making the right decision. It may not seem as easy as reacting thoughtlessly to a situation in any way you like, but you’ll see the difference is in the results you get. The key is to make the right decision for the right result. And that is what virtuous parenting is all about.
If you are not familiar with the three virtues of benevolence, wisdom, and courage, it may take a little while for you to get used to applying them to your everyday