In making links between neurobiological processes and sexual experience and behaviour, it is necessary to differentiate between sexual arousal, sexual desire and interpersonal sexual attraction, even though these experiences can overlap and the distinctions can become blurred.17 Nevertheless, these distinctions become important when analysing and deconstructing a person’s prevailing drive profile: sexual arousal, desire, and interpersonal attraction are not always aligned, and nor does their combined presence necessarily predict a successful or functional sexual relationship. Furthermore, the blurring of these distinctions can sometimes create confusion in interpreting one’s own physiological and psychological responses to a situation — for example, the experience of sexual arousal does not always correspond to sexual desire, nor is it always a valid indicator of sexual attraction. Let us consider these distinctions.
Generally, sexual arousal has to do with eroticism — the capacity of a stimulus to excite a genital response. Such a stimulus may be the presence of another person, or of sexual images or fantasy; it may even be a pleasant awareness of one’s own sexual attributes. However, such genital response does not always reflect sexual desire; and sexual desire, on the other hand, can occur without a genital response. Consider, for example, masturbation without erotic images; a child sexually stimulated by an adult; therapeutic massage; and physical closeness. The one responsible for the sexual arousal does not necessarily represent an object of sexual desire for the one experiencing the arousal.18 To be aroused simply means that physiological changes have taken place within the neuroendocrine system, typically involving the release of dopamine and melanocortins. Sexual arousal is a physiological event generally reactive to certain stimuli associated with sexual behaviour, but does not constitute a sexual drive as such, even though it is a critical link in the chain of sexual behaviour. Nevertheless, we will see that sexual arousal without interpersonal attraction or pre-existing sexual desire can result in the conditioning of subsequent sexual arousal responses, which in turn can create a sexual drive.
Distinguishing between sexual desire and interpersonal sexual attraction is more difficult. They involve rather nebulous dynamics comprising interrelated meanings, attributions, values, perceptions and expectations. Interpersonal attraction may involve admiration, love, or pleasure in the company of another person, and can occur without concomitant sexual desire, although the basis of attraction does normally include gender traits. Of course, interpersonal attraction can prime someone for sexual desire (just as sexual desire can prime someone for interpersonal attraction). Importantly, interpersonal attraction — whether sexual or otherwise — involves being drawn to a person because of certain qualities of the person to whom one is drawn: its focus is the other person, including their maleness or femaleness; not sexual activity as such. The experience of falling in love typically reflects this, as I will explain later.
More generally, desire relates to wanting an object or experience, so it generally emerges in the context of a perceived lack of something. It translates into an impulse to own, consume or experience something: its focus is one’s own fulfilment. Sexual desire, then, has to do with wanting the fulfilment that comes through sexual experience. However, it can also refer to that sexual experience as an avenue to wanting, consuming, or experiencing someone, or certain aspects of that person. Being ‘joined’ to a person is subjectively accomplished through the sexual act — it can be a way of subjectively ‘capturing’ that person and what that person represents. In this case, the goal is not the sexual experience per se; but the sexual experience is used to obtain the goal — the getting of something which is seen in a person or associated with that person. The origin of such desire might reflect any combination of underlying drives that finds expression in the sexual act. To understand sexual desire in a person, we need to establish what that person wants to own, consume, or experience.
Of the attributes most men want to experience or own in another person, perhaps the most important is the femaleness of the woman — both of her body and her inner self; and for most women, the maleness of the man. But when sexual desire is ‘desire for sex’ only, it is essentially indiscriminate in terms of with whom a man or woman might have sex (especially where alcohol is involved), drawing a man or woman into sexual activity where there may be little interpersonal attraction outside the essential femaleness or maleness of the other body (as Karl discovered in his encounter with the prostitute).19 Sometimes, of course, a man desires the maleness in another person (and a woman the femaleness in the other person); and then, sometimes, the sex of the other person is irrelevant, either because the sexual desire lacks all discrimination in what is desired except for the pleasure of sex itself, or because the desire is to own or experience certain inner qualities of the other person other than their maleness or femaleness. Where sexual desire relates to a particular person, then the desire is for the qualities seen in that person, a desire that finds momentary consummation through the sexual act with that person.
The relational goals of connection and belonging
We have considered what makes behaviour ‘sexual’. Sexual behaviour, however, is one thing; a sexual relationship is another. And because sexual behaviour generally occurs in the context of relationship, relationship dynamics necessarily play a role, affecting the quality of the sexual encounter. Indeed, sexual and relationship satisfaction are closely linked.20 A relationship has to do with relating to and connecting with someone else. But where a relationship is sexual, that relating and connecting necessarily has a sexual dimension. Belonging comprises an important element of sexual relationships. Love and intimacy add further elements addressing relational needs, forming the basis for romantic relationships. Of course, not all relationships are sexual; nor does all sexual activity occur within relationship — romantic or otherwise.21 We will find that these variations are the outcomes of different drive profiles.
But first we need to make a distinction. While the ideas of belonging and attachment overlap, they are not the same. I can belong and not be attached; and I can become attached but not belong. A child can belong to its parents and not be attached to them, while a person who has fallen in love may feel an attachment to someone that doesn’t yet belong to them. One aspect of belonging has to do with social identification with somebody. Such identification might cause me to be embarrassed by a person’s behaviour when I feel I belong to them, which I wouldn’t if they didn’t belong to me. By the same token, I would feel proud of their achievements because they are a part of me, and represent me as much as they do themselves. Ours becomes a shared experience, with shared ownership of decisions, accomplishments, failures, and so on. It is primarily a matter of social position: others also perceive and respect that the couple belong to each other. When something happens to the person that belongs to me, it also vicariously happens to me. I will argue that the need to belong is a central psychological drive, and that one function of the sexual relationship is to meet that drive.
While attachment is also about shared experience, its focus is different. It has to do with the nature of the bond that has been created — with intimacy and being close to someone. What matters is a person’s acceptance, interest, and understanding of me, regardless of how they might come across socially. I am less likely to be embarrassed by or proud of the person I am attached to: so long as they are there for me. What is important is the connection, the interpersonal need for recognition and validation, the mutual encounter. With attachment, what others think of the person is not as important as what the person thinks of me. Secure attachment is built on a person’s ongoing emotional presence and availability when I need them; it also involves my desire to be emotionally transparent with them in order that they might know me and validate me.
Belonging is a fundamental drive that associates with relatedness and attachment. Although they don’t distinguish between attachment and belonging, Baumeister and Leary (1995) conclude ‘that human beings are fundamentally and pervasively motivated by a need to belong, that is, by a strong desire to form and maintain enduring interpersonal attachments. People seek frequent, affectively positive interactions within the context of a long-term, caring