Social inadequacy
Fear of entrapment
The instinct to withdrawal
The need for self-protection
Disgust towards the person
Disgust about sex
Chapter 8:Sociocultural Sexual Scripts: Origins
Shared expectations, meanings and rules
Traditional scripts
Traditional Christian script
Chapter 9:Sociocultural Sexual Scripts: Changing Perspectives
Secular Western script
Sexual experimentation subscript
Individual freedoms subscript
Virtual sex subscript
Competing scripts and moral notions
Chapter 10:Sexual Narratives: Early Years
Childhood belonging and attachment
Childhood boundaries
Childhood sexual awareness
Early gender identity and sexual orientation
Chapter 11:Sexual Narratives: Transitions
The integration of the sexual and relational self
Attachment and the sexual self
Tim and Lucy’s story
First experiences
On falling in love
Chapter 12:Psychological Practice and Sexual Relationships
Sexual behaviour and mental health
On therapeutic goals
Some therapy principles
The maintenance and dissolution of a sexual relationship
Chapter 13:Some Stories to Finish With
The contamination of association
A story about gender dysphoria
A story about porn
Stories about ghosts of the past
A final story about sex and not belonging
Scientists prefer explanatory models that are simple with few variables. Psychologists prefer more comprehensive models that allow them to better describe and understand clients’ behaviour. In this book, I describe a model that is no doubt too complex for scientific modelling but hopefully provides psychologists with a useful map to understand sexual behaviours.
The ‘sex drive’ has long been seen as one of the most powerful drives directing human behaviour, and played a key role in Freud’s psychoanalytic theory. I argue that the ‘sex drive’ is better understood as a composite of drives including both biological and subjective factors. Its composition will vary between people and over time. However, such a conceptualisation does not in any way diminish the power it has in human affairs. Equally influential in directing human behaviour are the twin notions of attachment and belonging, which guide relationship dynamics. The various neuro-chemicals activated in the sexual response represent a powerful reward system in their own right; but when these interact with relationship dynamics, their centrality in human affairs becomes so much greater.
I present in this book a theoretical argument, research findings, and clinical narratives to develop and illustrate a dual-source, multiple drive model that integrates the various factors that can affect sexual relationships. Such a model needs to meet a number of criteria. As is evident in the various narratives, the model needs to allow for intra-psychic conflict as well as external (social) conflict. It needs to allow for fluidity in sexual behaviour patterns, yet recognise the inherent stability of such patterns once established (this being a function of the particular outcomes of sexual expression). It also needs to reflect the non-deterministic nature of sexual behaviour (that is, the decisional process).
The composite of drives in sexual relationships is not only powerful, but also complex, and various conflicts easily develop. Conflict can exist in the drive profile itself, with inhibitive and sexually activating drives operating simultaneously. But conflict can also exist between the ascending drives and the ultimate decisions made. This decisional process makes prediction and scientific investigation in general, difficult. Then there is also the matter of a potential conflict between the sexual behaviour embraced and the prevailing sociocultural sexual scripts. Furthermore, conflict can occur where the outcomes of sexual expression do not meet the goals of the prevailing drives, and conflict can arise where the physical self and the subjective self is not aligned. (Similarly, the sexual and relational selves may not be aligned.) Although such conflicts in themselves do not constitute mental health problems, their lack of satisfactory resolution over time certainly can lead to such problems. On the other hand, where the sexual behaviour aligns with secure attachment and belonging, where there is good intra-psychic alignment, and where sexual behaviour conforms to sociocultural norms, good mental health outcomes would normally be anticipated.
Moreover, to the degree that the drive profile can fluctuate, so can the patterns of sexual behaviour that are expressed; and yet once a narrative is established, it can be self-sustaining both in conditioning patterns and in the internal consistency patterns of the neural systems. This model is relevant to both heterosexual and homosexual behaviour patterns, and contributes to the explanation of sexual variation in general.
Regarding the case studies featured throughout this book — naturally, all names have been changed and identifying features have been omitted from the clinical material to protect the identities of those involved. The stories have been chosen not because of their unique characteristics, but precisely because they are representative of the many common experiences that are aired in the psychologist’s room.
It is my hope and desire that this book helps in some way to motivate a regulation of sexual behaviours that will enhance the wellbeing of those engaged in sexual relationships. This helps not only the parties in the sexual relationship itself but also the community of which they are a part.
My thanks to all those people from whom I have learned so much, and that have made this book possible. Thanks also to Dr Cynthia Dixon and Dr Shaun Dempsey who read earlier manuscripts, and to Stephen May and his team for graciously taking this project on board.
Tony Schneider
March, 2019