These observations suggest that the meanings associated with ‘maleness’ might feature curiosity, adventure, the capacity to sexually respond to a woman’s physical beauty, strength and forcefulness,11 and the drive to claim, retain and protect territory. As such, these ‘maleness’ characteristics may feature strongly in the drive profiles of many men. We might also argue that these are the qualities women associate with ‘maleness’, although the characteristics of strength and the capacity to protect and provide are also primary issues for many women.
The woman’s body, on the other hand, is designed to allow her to sexually receive the man and his sperm, while her breasts allow her to nurture new life. Her hormonal cycles mean that sexual desire and the associated sexual receptivity are affected by ovulation, which in turn prepares her for new life. This suggests a biological connection between her sexual receptivity and nurturance, an integration of sexual arousal, emotional intimacy, the possibility of new life, and concerns with the future — the establishment of a home or safe place both for herself and for her children.12 In this context, for the woman, ‘belonging’ is more about shared experience, acceptance, identity, and affiliation. To the extent that she is receptive, she needs to be trusting of her man.13 But she also needs to be socially and emotionally aware. Her man must not become emotionally involved elsewhere: she should be his only or primary influence, and so she learns to read emotions well.14 She wants him to be protective and appreciate her physically and desire her body (and hers only — she watches for straying eyes). Yet she is careful about entering a relationship: to the extent that some dependence upon him may become necessary, it is important that she gets the ‘right man’, because she will need his support, strength, presence and understanding in the longer term, especially once she has had children.
These observations lead us to expect the meanings associated with ‘femaleness’ to feature integration between intimacy, emotional sensitivity and vulnerability, receptivity and an inclination to trust, nurturance and new life. We might argue that these are the qualities men associate with and perhaps desire in femaleness. Femaleness means the readiness to accept and receive what a man gives sexually, to trust for and desire his protection, general emotional sensitivity, and the capacity to create a place of nurturance.15 Yet I suspect that for all the woman’s complexity, a man is more likely to be initially drawn to and aroused by the simpler elements associated with femaleness: the physical and biological attributes of her femaleness and her sexual receptivity.
While the biological differences between a man and woman colours psychological and behavioural differences, the notion of maleness and femaleness — and especially how such maleness and femaleness is expressed — is also informed by cultural contexts and expectations.16 Although not everyone will embrace these cultural expectations, they nevertheless serve to orient the inner self in the subjective experience and expression of maleness or femaleness in the social sphere. I will later review some major sociocultural sexual scripts which affect the drive profiles of male and female, and contribute to the emerging relationship dynamics.
The male/female distinction lends itself to the idea that each makes different contributions to a relationship on the basis of their inherent differences. Together they form a functioning social unit; the functions of one being intimately balanced by the functions of the other at a biological and psychological level. For one to enter, the other needs to receive. For one to respond, the other needs to initiate. The strength of one needs the trust of the other. The social and emotional awareness of one stabilises the tendency to adventure in the other. And for such a social unit to function over time, we find that a sexual relationship generally becomes integrated with the processes of bonding and belonging, which further contributes to emotional and psychological stability and satisfaction. This circumstance provides a secure setting for children born into the relationship; and the growing social unit continues to be coloured and balanced by the gender differences. Yet the diversity of drives found in a person’s drive profile means that many sexual relationships don’t fit this pattern, and that sexual behaviour will find broad expression — but often at cost.
We have seen how ‘sexual’ has to do with the respective sexes, male and female, and the behaviours (essentially the gender predispositions) and physical characteristics unique to each which defines their maleness and femaleness. But it also has to do with the sexual act and the intention (with its associated drives) and behaviours leading to the sexual act. This includes physiological arousal in which certain hormones and neurotransmitters are activated, creating tension and priming for sexual (genital) release (or intentionally stimulating this in another person); and the desire for, and experience of, sexual pleasure resulting from either their own or another person’s actions. And, of course, it relates to entering another person’s personal space with the intent of stimulating sexual interest and perhaps of establishing a subjective connection with that person, and ultimately the act of copulation.
Some of these components have to do with the sexual experience itself, but some associate with the relationship more generally, so that the two become intertwined. For example, one component involves physical touch and sexual entry, which stimulates a bonding process through the release of oxytocin and vasopressin. Along with this, a parallel event occurs: the entering into another person’s subjective personal space, so that personal space becomes a shared space. Such intertwined components in sexual behaviour create associations (with corresponding neural connections) which link it to the notions of both belonging and bonding.
But first: what makes behaviour ‘sexual’? A range of behaviours might attract the label ‘sexual’ but involve few of the above-mentioned components, while there are also behaviours that are decidedly nonsexual, yet have components associated with the idea ‘sexual’. A key distinguishing factor is intent — that is, the meaning or purpose of the behaviour. For example, because love and intimacy associate strongly with sexual behaviour, behaviours relating to either love or intimacy may be interpreted as sexual, yet they may be without sexual intent: one need not imply the other. Two people can love each other deeply without sexual intent, such as a child and parent, or siblings, or two men or two women who are drawn together, perhaps through shared life experiences. Similarly, there are behaviours and experiences that might approximate aspects of sexual behaviour or experience, but, lacking sexual intent, are not considered ‘sexual’; such as an adult caressing a child, a child suckling at the breast, a person receiving therapeutic massage, or a doctor conducting an intimate examination.
On the other hand, there are situations, behaviours, or comments that might be described as ‘sexualised’ because there is an intended association with sexual desire or behaviour, even though there is no actual sexual component to the situation, behaviour, or comment (such as may be found in advertising). Then there are behaviours where the boundaries and motives are blurred, and it is difficult to interpret whether or not the behaviours are ‘sexual’