I present a model that recognises multiple drives from two sources, biological and subjective, that operate within a context of sociocultural sexual scripts. These drives relate to various functions that the sexual relationship serves. The critical role of the perceptions and decisions of the subjective self, and the central functions of bonding and belonging in sexual relationships (helping make such relationship a psychological ‘home’), receives particular attention. Indeed, I propose that when sexual activity serves to build belonging and attachment, good mental health is promoted. I also seek to restore a personal perspective to the psychology of sexual relationships.
The Challenge of Explaining Sexual Behaviour
As he left the prostitute’s premises, Karl regretted what he’d done and found himself with mixed feelings towards her for her part in the arrangement. It wasn’t the money. He felt empty — he just didn’t like himself. Karl wanted something more, but couldn’t define what that more was. He’d looked forward to having a good time. And he did have a good time for a short time. He’d found adventure and release. Yet he felt cheated — and a bit stupid. Vague feelings of loneliness seemed only to have intensified. He resolved he wouldn’t do it again, but knew in his heart that he probably would — and he would want similar sexual activities to happen, things his mates had talked about. He wanted to enjoy sex without the complications of a relationship (which he hadn’t been much good at anyhow), and he was at a loss to know why this experience had left him like this. After all, she’d done everything he’d wanted, and he’d felt great while he was with her. From where did this urge to see her come, and why did he feel this way now? Was he really looking for something else?
Indeed. What causes me to do a thing? What is the origin of the drives and motives that energise my behaviour, and how do these affect my choices? How do I understand the behaviour I engage in, and what meanings do I attribute to such behaviour? For that matter, am I able to discern the motives of my own behaviour — can I always identify what moves me to do a thing? Or do I, like Karl, sometimes find myself doing things, and wonder why I do them? These questions are fundamental to psychology in general and no less so to the psychology of sexual behaviour and relationships. Sexual behaviour, moreover, has features that differentiate it from other behaviours. Although non-sexual motives and drives play a role in sexual behaviour and relationships, there are also drives unique to them. And this raises the question: what motives or drives make behaviour and the relationships in which such behaviour occurs ‘sexual’?
Deeply embedded in both our physical and subjective selves are sexual differences. Indeed, this is true throughout the animal kingdom. Why might this be so, and what function does such sexual difference serve? We will look at this thing called ‘sexual’. ‘Maleness’ and ‘femaleness’ is explored; and what is and isn’t ‘sexual’. Intrinsic to the sexual relationship is the expression of sexual motives — what is their function in relationship? We will ponder the other component to the sexual relationship — the ‘relationship’ — and what it has to do with sexual behaviour. We will consider the role of internal drives, introducing the idea that drives have two sources — a biological one and a subjective one. I will argue that we are influenced by a changing drive profile comprising multiple drives which in turn help predict the sexual behaviour and relationships in which we might engage. I will later identify factors that help shape a person’s drive profile, paying particular attention to the notion of belonging.
On ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’
A unique aspect in sexual behaviour that differentiates such behaviour from other behaviours is inherent in the notion ‘sexual’. But what does this mean? According to my dictionary, ‘sexual’ has to do with the sexual act, the intentions and motives leading to the sexual act; and with the respective sexes, male and female, and the behaviours (essentially the gender predispositions) and physical characteristics unique to each defining their maleness and femaleness. We understand, of course, that there is a biological imperative that male and female should desire sexual encounters between each other (a primary and normal function of sexual behaviour): to create offspring.1 Yet while sexual attraction between male and female might be mutual, there will be differences in the basis for that attraction between male and female, reflecting inherent differences in their maleness and femaleness. Indeed, it is the very difference that contributes to mutual attraction and desire. But this is not so for everyone: same-sex attraction and other forms of sexual expression reveal further complexities in the notion of what is and isn’t ‘sexual’.
We begin with the notions of ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’. These are surprisingly difficult to define, even though the idea of consistent differences in male and female experience and behaviour resonates with popular perception and the observations of experienced relationship counsellors. Gray, for example, famous for his 1993 self-help book Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, suggests a number of such differences: men are ‘solution-focused’ rather than ‘feeling-focused’; under stress men withdraw while women prefer to talk issues through; men and women have different needs for, and patterns in, intimacy; men need to be ‘needed’ while women need to be ‘cherished’; men need a love that ‘is more trusting’ while women look for a love that is caring, understanding and respectful; and a man’s need is to overcome his resistance to giving love while a woman’s need is to overcome her resistance to receiving it. Is Gray right? And if so, are these differences inherent in maleness or femaleness, or are they learned gender roles?
While sexual differences are genetically determined and easily seen in the physical differences between a man and woman, the subjective aspect of maleness and femaleness is not so easily seen or understood. The experience of one with Gender Dysphoria highlights this subjective dimension: ‘I feel that I (my subjective self) am female, even though I am in a male body.’ Whatever the reason for this dysphoria, it seems that it is possible for the physical self to be male, while the inner self — the subjective experience or awareness – does not identify as such. This is not simply about a male behaving as a female – a cultural construct; it is about feeling or identifying as ‘female’, the self-perception of being female in a male body. Furthermore, even though feeling or identifying as female is not the same as having a female body, there is a need to have a female body to properly express such experienced femaleness: at least, this is what the person suffering Gender Dysphoria would argue and why the relevant treatments are sought.
But what does it mean for the inner self to be ‘female’ or ‘male’? And why is it necessary for the body to reflect this?2 This difference has historically been seen as the basis for the differences in the emotions, the psychology, and the motivations found between a man and a woman: commonly referred to as gender difference. Is this difference also reflected in the dynamics of sexual desire and attraction? And is the subjective experience of ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’, the basis of gender difference, innate? And then, how is it possible for these not to be aligned to physical sexual characteristics, as is the burden for those suffering Gender Dysphoria?3
Prenatal hormonal influences play a role in the masculinisation or feminisation of the brain, a process separate from the development of physical sexual characteristics. Nevertheless, to the extent that the body is the vehicle of expression for the inner self,4 and that the neural and hormonal activity of the brain orients that self; we would expect the experienced maleness or femaleness of the self to correspond to the relevant physical sexual characteristics. And so, given that a female body is required to express the female self, and the male body is required to express the male self, reviewing the sexual features and functions of the physical body should be a legitimate source of clues as to what might define subjective ‘maleness’ or ‘femaleness’ — the gender identity.5