The Forgiveness Solution. Philip H. Friedman

expecting him to change or say thank you? Could I give up my hope that we could have a different relationship and accept that the way he showed love was through his years of work? Could I forgive him for not being the dad I wanted? Could I just walk away from him and live with myself? I decided that I could not walk away—that in spite of everything I loved him. I chose to forgive him and love him, faults and all.

      A funny thing happened, though. Within a year of this decision—suddenly my dad was saying, “No one takes care of me as good as you” and even he said, “I love you” to me regularly. A year later he died, but for a glorious year I had the father I always wanted, because I opened my heart first and forgave him.

       One Core Problem, One Core Solution

      As you know by now, at the core of my work is the belief that lurking underneath almost all of the other problems we have there is one core problem: unforgiveness.¹ In other words, if you are depressed or angry or anxious or having any number of other psychological, emotional, or interpersonal issues, a grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought is at the heart of it all, being used consciously or unconsciously by you against yourself or another person. A grievance or attack thought is any thought with the intent to harm, injure, hurt, threaten, offend, disparage, diminish, blame, judge critically, or judge harshly someone else or oneself. Attack thoughts always separate us from our true selves and from others. Attack thoughts include phrases or tones of voice that say or imply: you are wrong, bad, incompetent, inadequate, sinful, not good enough, stupid, worse than, and foolish. Phrases that include always and never are usually attack thoughts as well, such as “you always drive too fast” or “you never remember to put away your clothes.” Attack thoughts against oneself include the same kinds of thoughts directed against oneself: “I am wrong, bad, incompetent, inadequate, sinful, not good enough, stupid, worse than, and foolish.” Shoulds include statements such as “you should do something differently” or “I should do something differently,” said or thought with a judgmental tone.

      For that one core problem, there is also one core solution: forgiveness.² Forgiveness is the letting go of the grievance, judgment, should, and attack thought that you use (consciously or unconsciously) against another person or yourself. Forgiveness is a shift in perception and attitude. It is also about seeing the inner light or goodness in yourself and in other people. For some of you, this may be quite challenging to understand at first. I know it took me a while to see and understand that unforgiveness could be such a powerful force and that it was underneath so many other problems. This is why forgiveness is often said to be the key to happiness and peace. Forgiveness removes the blocks and barriers to the presence of love, peace, happiness, and light. Fortunately, however, forgiveness is inherent within the problem and can be learned.

      The next set of exercises is designed to help you discover what grievances, judgments, and attack thoughts you hold against yourself, other people, groups, or God so that you can then begin to learn how to forgive yourself and others.

       Exercise: Identifying Your Grievances and Attack Thoughts

       In your notebook or journal, write down any grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought that you are holding against the people you live with. (If you don't live with anyone, think about the person you are closest to.) It doesn't matter how large or small the grievances, judgments, shoulds, or attack thoughts are or how strong or weak your feelings are toward this person or persons.

       APRIL'S RESPONSE

      People you live with—Because I have a lot of unresolved feelings from my past, I take a lot of my emotions out on Brian because we live together. Most of the time I am upset or angry about something that he doesn't have anything to do with, but I don't know where to place those feelings.

       Now write down any grievances, judgments, shoulds, or attack thoughts that you have against someone you work with, including your boss, supervisors, colleagues, clients, customers, employees, and supervisees. Again, it doesn't matter how large or small the grievances, judgments, shoulds, or attack thoughts are or how strong or weak your feelings are.

       APRIL'S RESPONSE

      For the most part, I enjoy my job. There are, however, many clients that come in [who] aggravate me. The ones I have the biggest problem with are those [who] walk in when we are about to close. It seems like the same three or four people that do this frequently, and I think it's rude. It's as if any time is less valuable than theirs. I feel it is disrespectful toward the employees.

       Now write down any grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought that you are holding against your parents, siblings, in-laws, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Again, it doesn't matter how small or large you consider the grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought to be or how strong or weak your feelings are.

       APRIL'S RESPONSE

      The time I was angry at my mom for leaving was when I was five. I felt like she should've been there a lot more throughout my life. She said things that hurt me and made me feel bad about the person I was. My uncle is also someone who made me feel bad. He said, “You're a worthless clone of your father.” That's hard to hear, especially from a family member.

       In your journal, write down any grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought that you are holding against yourself. It doesn't matter how large or small the grievances, judgments, shoulds, or attack thoughts are or how strong or weak your feelings are toward yourself.

       APRIL'S RESPONSE

      I am insecure about myself. I constantly wonder if I'm living up to the standards of other people. I tend to be hard on myself when things go wrong. I put myself down a lot. Sometimes I think I'm not good enough for anyone.

       Now write down any grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought that you are holding against someone from another ethnic, religious, national, or international group. Again, it doesn't matter how small or large you consider the grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought to be or how strong or weak your feelings are.

       Finally, write down any grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought that you are holding against God, nature, the Universe, or any Higher Power. Again, it doesn't matter how small or large you consider the grievance, judgment, should, or attack thought to be or how strong or weak your feelings are.

       APRIL'S RESPONSE

      I don't feel like this so much anymore, but when my dad died I kept thinking, “Why? Why would God do this to me?” I questioned my belief in God at one point.

      Soon you will be learning some techniques to help you release these grievances, judgments, shoulds, and attack thoughts, and I will explain more about the role they play in your healing process. For now, we are just identifying the limiting and attacking thoughts that cause you emotional pain and distress and helping you begin to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. In other words, there is always a silver lining within these upsetting experiences that trigger unforgiving thoughts and feelings