The Forgiveness Solution. Philip H. Friedman

have emotionally backed expectations and obligations for ourselves based on some standard rules of conduct. For example, you might say to yourself: “I should earn X dollars a year” or “I should have gotten that promotion” or “I should make my spouse or mother happy all the time” or “I should be able to get an A in chemistry.” When we operate from these shoulds, we tend to judge ourselves harshly, and we fall below our own expectations and standards of conduct. Judging ourselves in this way is a form of attack. Anytime we “should” on another person, we are having expectations for that person based on some standard or rules of conduct. When the other person doesn't live up to that expectation or standard, we tend to judge them harshly. That judgment is also an “attack thought.” You can learn to identify these attack thoughts and let them go. There is nothing bad or wrong with having them. But when you learn to release them through the process of forgiveness, you will experience more love, peace, happiness, and joy in your life.

      In addition, if you look closely, when another person with whom you are interacting is expressing attack thoughts and grievances—for example, expressing blame or judgment and getting angry—you will discover that underneath the anger, grievances, and attack thoughts are hurt and disappointment. Furthermore, if you look even more closely, you will discover that underneath the hurt and disappointment is fear. Fear, in turn, is a call for help and for love.

      The fear operates on two levels. First, there is the other person's fear that you do not love, care, appreciate, or value them. Second is the fear that they are disconnected from the love within themselves. So hurt and disappointment cover up fear, and fear is a call for help and for love. Therefore, an “attacking person” is a fearful person calling for help and love. Moreover, when you are attacking or angry at another, you will discover the same process working within you; that is, you are experiencing hurt and disappointment, and that hurt and disappointment cover up fear. The fear within you is, in turn, calling for help and for love.

      You can learn, with practice, to shift your perceptions and perspective to see that an attacking or critical person is a fearful person calling for help and for love. Learning to shift your perception and your attitudes is a key aspect of forgiveness. It is also a choice that you can make. Making that choice empowers you. Not making that choice disempowers you.

      This is one of the most powerful decisions you can make and has the ability to transform the quality of your life. Part of the work of this book is to help you re-empower yourself by helping you return to your core self, that place that always exists within you, of love, peace, happiness, strength, and joy.

      The next set of exercises, which I have adapted from A Course in Miracles and the work of Gerald Jampolsky, can help you release your shoulds.^{8, 9}

       Exercise: Affirmations 3 to 7

      If you have been reading the book straight through, bear with me. I will repeat my introduction to affirmations for those who are just coming into the conversation.

      Affirmations are powerful beliefs with powerful energy connected to them. I would like to encourage you to contemplate, learn, and practice the affirmations in this book in a consistent way. Here is one way I recommend: Write each affirmation on a 3 × 5 card. Read the cards three to four times a day, starting in the morning and ending before bedtime. Repeat the affirmations throughout the day, especially when you experience any emotional distress such as sadness, anxiety, hurt, guilt, or anger. You may want to make several copies of the affirmations and tape them to your bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or the dashboard of your car.

      Memorizing each affirmation is not necessary but would certainly be beneficial. Keep in mind that you do not have to believe in the affirmation at first. I encourage you to repeat the affirmation anyway, and do it with as much conviction as possible. Contemplate its meaning. Allow yourself to feel its positive energy.

      As we practice affirmations, we shift from fearful, lower vibrational energy to a positive, higher vibrational energy path. Later in the book, you will learn to combine some of these affirmations with energy techniques that will make them even more powerful for you.

       AFFIRMATION 3

       “I can elect to change all thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and negative energies that hurt.”

       AFFIRMATION 4

       “I can elect to change all thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and negative energies that cause emotional distress.”

       AFFIRMATION 5

       “I can escape from the emotional distress I experience by giving up grievances and attack thoughts.”

       AFFIRMATION 6

       “I am determined to see and experience things differently.”

       AFFIRMATION 7

       “I can learn to see that attack and anger cover up fear, and fear is a call for help and for love.”

       APRIL'S COMMENTS ON USING THE AFFIRMATIONS

      From my personal experience, the affirmations were more effective when I wrote them each down on an index card and read over them a few times a day. With each affirmation, I was able to see the way I viewed situations and events in my life in a negative way, and by applying each one to my life it allowed me to shift my thought process to a more positive one. There are things that happen every day that one of these affirmations can apply to.

       From Fear to Love

      A lifetime of personal and spiritual growth and practicing psychotherapy has led me to understand that underneath all distressing emotions is the core emotion of fear, which is itself a lack of love. Love is the core positive emotion that we experience when we are connected to our inner Being or true Self. When we feel separate from our inner Being or true Self, we experience fear. All other distressing emotions are secondary to fear. The essence of our Being is love, and our journey through life is a quest to return to our core, which is love.

      Whenever we experience distressing emotions, we are, in fact, calling for love. On one level, we are calling for love from other people, but on a deeper level we are calling for love from and toward ourselves. So it follows that whenever someone else is expressing negative or distressing emotions, feelings, judgments, or complaints toward us or toward themselves, they are calling for love. Therefore, it can be said that every communication is either an expression of love or a call for love. Forgiveness allows you and me to remove the blocks and barriers to the experience of that love. For example, if your spouse, lover, friend, parent, sibling, or child is expressing a lot of negativity, anger, resentment, bitterness, or frustration, rather than seeing it as a sign of disrespect you can learn to see it as a call for help and a call for love. In fact, you can learn to see that underneath the negativity are hurt and disappointment, and underneath the hurt and disappointment is fear. By forgiving these people you care about and by staying calm and centered, you can learn to respond in a more resourceful, compassionate, and beneficial way to their calls for help and for love.

       Identifying Stressors

      In life, we're often going along, doing fine, when we encounter a stressor, either:

      1 something that is happening that you don't want to happen or

      2 something that isn't happening that you do want to happen.

      When we encounter stressors, we tend to judge them negatively and react automatically with a grievance, attack thought, or should, as in “that