But my understanding of Spirit is that it is Infinite, Unlimited, everywhere Present, and All That Is. How can anything that has no limits or bounds be limited by our idea of a word called perfection? And if that is true—that perfection doesn’t exist, not in the way we conceive of it, in the realm of the Infinite—then why are we as spiritual seekers holding on to the idea? Why hold onto an idea that causes us anxiety from continual self-comparison and, naturally, falling short?
Furthermore, if perfection doesn’t really exist except as a ridiculous idea in our minds, then neither does imperfection. Step out of the duality of perfect/imperfect and simply allow yourself to be, right here as you are. Take a deep breath of appreciation for simply being. You might find just by doing that, your body and mind relax a bit—one step made on your journey to more ease and resilience.
Spiritual Mistake #2 Flight to Light
“Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.”
—Brendon Burchard
Back in the 1980s, when I first embarked officially on the spiritual path, it was the “New Age.” Channelers, crystals, tarot cards, and “the Harmonic Convergence,” a rare astrological alignment, were all the rage. A common theme that emerged during that time was “going to the Light.”
It’s a projection of the perfectionistic mindset of a spiritual seeker. Don’t feel anger or any of those “dark” parts of yourself (notice any judgment there?), just go to the Light. Surround yourself in Light, and push all those bad thoughts away. Live in the Light, and everything will be blissful. Everyone was running as far as they could from anything that could be seen as dark and unspiritual. This tendency to avoid the Shadow, the less-than-desirable parts of ourselves, and cling to our imagined ideal was known to some of us as “Flight to Light.”
It works really great—until you blow up at your kid or someone cuts you off on the freeway, or a deep-seated fear arises from within us, and suddenly the Light isn’t working to make it go away.
Everything Isn’t “All Good”
We can’t transform our fear, pain, and worry by pretending it doesn’t exist or matter. The more modern version of the Flight to Light is “It’s All Good.” There’s good intent behind this statement—we can certainly choose to see the good, the helpful, and the transformative aspects of our most unpleasant situations. But when someone else does something that triggers our anxiety, one can’t make it all better by just saying “It’s All Good.” Running to the light side of the situation too quickly avoids the potential for some deep healing of our worst triggers.
In my experience, it’s better to acknowledge that something doesn’t feel so good, or that we’re not happy with a behavior that’s emerged in us, especially when we’re reacting out of fear. We can acknowledge it without indulging in it, and we can help ourselves to heal and release the fear by moving through it rather than pasting a pleasant face on the pain.
When someone is trying to look calm and loving when you feel that there’s something else brewing beneath the surface, you notice the dissonance. It’s inauthentic. We have a hard time trusting someone who says and does all the right things but does them with clenched teeth in their tight smile, and who might occasionally have a sharp retort or a short fuse when the image they are trying to hold is just too much.
Avoiding the Shadow and Spiritual Bypassing
The people who indulge in Flight to Light avoid the Shadow—that unconscious part of personality known as our “dark” side. But it’s not limited to the uncomfortable, unpleasant aspects of the self. The Shadow also contains good qualities that we don’t perceive we possess. Essentially, the Shadow holds all that we aren’t willing to look at within ourselves—and that’s often the “negative” qualities. We shove our insecurities, less-than-desirable traits, and shame and self-blame, among other disconcerting aspects of ourselves, into the closet of the Shadow, and then lean back against the door to attempt to keep it closed—tight.
A related idea that falls under the Flight to Light category is spiritual bypassing. According to Robert Masters, author of Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark, spiritual bypassing “is the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, unresolved wounds, and developmental needs.” Anything that we’re afraid of looking at and owning is passed by—shoved back into the Shadow indefinitely.
We think that we have just gotten rid of the anxiety that we judge as pathetic, or our anger that is so “unspiritual,” by sweeping it under the rug. But we know deep down inside that it ain’t goin’ away. It’s just piling up inside until the time when it can’t stay hidden anymore.
What You Resist, Persists
You know the old adage—what you resist persists. Or, whatever you push away is going to stay. This is why Flight to Light is problematic. By resisting an issue, a feeling, a thought, or a behavior, we actually give it power. It’s like an old, festering wound. When it’s raw and small, you can deal with it pretty well. You grit your teeth, pour the burning alcohol over it, and cleanse it. But if you avoid the sting of having to clean the infection, it starts to grow and can develop into a serious condition.
When we try to push away our anxiety and the sources of it, we shove it into the unconscious. There it can grow into quite an unmanageable beast, which makes us avoid things in life that could be satisfying. We begin to feel nervous or uncomfortable. If we do that for a long time, the fear starts to have control over our lives.
Pushing a Wall
Using a metaphor of a wall is another way to understand why resisting is problematic. Imagine that the wall has something on it you don’t like—maybe a mark from a piece of furniture that banged into it. That mark represents a character trait you don’t like about yourself, or an emotion you don’t want to deal with or confront; say, anger. Go ahead and push that anger away. Push on the wall where that mark is, as hard as you can. Go on, keep doing it. Going anywhere? Is the anger disappearing? How do you feel? Probably tired at some point, yes? Frustrated? It’s silly (and needlessly exhausting!) to try to make a mark on the wall disappear by pushing it away, isn’t it?
When you repress things like anxiety or anger into the Shadow, it’s like that. You can’t pretend you’re not angry when you are. It will take a lot of energy to try to repress something like that. It won’t make it go away, and you’ll just deplete your energy. Walls are walls, and we can’t make a spot on them disappear by trying to shove it away.
Now, instead, just look at the mark on the wall. Get to know it. How long is it? What is its shape? How do you think it got there? Can you wash some of it off? Step back. Look at the spot again, and the whole wall. Step back even farther. What do you notice? Do you see that it’s just a small part of the wall, probably? If you stood all the way on the other side of the room, can you even see it? Maybe, maybe not. Now, what if you walk away? Once you have consciously acknowledged the spot, you can do that, and now your attention isn’t on it. It’s still there, but you haven’t denied the fact, and you’re not fighting against it. You could even decide to paint over it at some point, but that comes from acknowledging that it is there, recognizing that something needs to be done about it, and taking appropriate action—not trying to push it away.
Resistance Creates Anxiety
If you’re resisting your own fear, worry, and stress, you’re not alone. Many of us would simply like for it to go away. But resisting it not only stockpiles it inside of you. It creates tension and depletes your energy in order to keep those feelings underground—which also creates more anxiety.
If we believe the ideas that 1) this feeling is too much, too uncomfortable, and/or too scary to feel and that 2) getting rid of it makes us feel safer,