Through her years of personal and spiritual growth, she found a way to transform her anxiety into courage and strength, rather than avoiding it through overeating. By opening to the Divine Source through meditation, she increased her emotional resilience. She allowed the emotions inside to arise in her meditations and experienced cathartic releases, which can also be achieved using the practices we will explore with feeling and listening to your anxiety. Dr. Kelly also found that empowering actions—being afraid and taking action anyway—were pivotal in overcoming the fears that beset her. You’ll discover more about empowering actions later in this book, including how you can use them to shift toward courage and calm.
Divorce and Anxiety
Many of us go through relationship breakups and divorce. Even the most amicable divorces are difficult; and the contentious ones can trigger constant worry and fear.
Renee came to see me as she was going through the ups and downs of the divorce process. Although the paperwork, legal proceedings, shuffling the kids back and forth, and dealings with her ex were plenty stressful, what triggered her anxiety the most was being alone and fearing that she wouldn’t meet another man to share her life with. She also was prone to criticizing and blaming herself when things went wrong, which hindered her ability to trust the process and to believe she could find the relationship partner she dreamed of.
As we worked with the fears and self-doubt that arose in the process of healing, Renee cultivated the skill needed to hold her feelings with awareness and compassion (coming up in the chapter “Self-Compassion”). She let go of the anxiety-provoking stories she habitually told herself about why people acted the way they did. Through engaging in this process, she not only was better able to move on from her ex-husband, but her self-confidence increased. Renee learned to love herself as she was and to trust in the Divine (more on that in the “Surrender” chapter); soon, she began to date again.
Fear of Rejection
A very common source of anxiety is the fear of being rejected, judged, and shamed. Perhaps we grew up with critical, shaming parents, or were mocked or ostracized at school, and that experience carried forward into our adult lives. This fear can become an unconscious motivator—or hindrance—in our daily lives, as well as a source of perpetual anxiety.
Anne was no stranger to this. She struggled with generalized anxiety most of her life, primarily related to fear of rejection. She was always “trying to do the right thing, keep the peace, and accommodate everyone around me. I even play the part of a person who is ‘easygoing, relaxed, and mellow’ as my friends typically describe me. But as my attuned husband tells it, I am like a duck in the water: calm, serene, and peaceful above the water, but with feet churning ferociously underneath to stay afloat.”
Few others knew how much she suffered, but she was keenly aware of how the anxiety afflicted her life. Through the application of yogic principles and the ability to witness her thoughts and emotions from a more neutral place (more about that in the “How You Do Spirituality is How You Do Everything” chapter), she felt “better equipped to deal with them.” “To be able to identify it, label it, observe it, and have a thoughtful reaction to it is empowering.”
It’s Time to Get Started!
You’re in good company—many before you have embarked upon this journey of awakening from your anxiety. The clock has sounded, and now you’re arising out of bed, ready to take on the new day of living with more calm, confidence, and inner peace. Turn the page, and let’s get started!
The Mis-takes Spiritual People Make That Perpetuate Anxiety
We’ve all done it. With the best of intentions, we set out on our spiritual path, ready to have our awakening and determined to find the calm, centered, peaceful place within that is beyond our anxiety.
Often, we do find that place—for a while. It’s the natural cycle of things for this state of being to come and go. When that calm, courageous place within begins to slip away, we might make some spiritual mis-takes .
They can be errors in our approach, perspective, or how we’re applying our beliefs. These spiritual mis-takes —for they’re just slipups, missing the target we’re trying to achieve—aren’t a big deal. We all get a little off track sometimes.
The problem is that we tend to make them a big deal. They can become deal-breakers, sending us down the spiral of not only more anxiety, but self-recrimination and anxiety about our anxiety.
Let’s take a look at some of the most common mis-takes on the spiritual path that can get under our skin and actually perpetuate that anxiety—which is not what we want to have happen! Then we’ll chart a correction on our course and dive into the keys that will release us from the anxiety cycle.
Spiritual Mistake #1 Perfectionism
“Let go of who you think you are supposed to be so that you can be who you truly are.”
—Brené Brown
I’ll bet you weren’t at all surprised to see this as my number one spiritual mistake. Chances are good that you’re a perfectionist (or like me, a recovering perfectionist!).
We often embark upon practices like yoga, prayer, or meditation because we’re hoping for a perfectly peaceful life. And then remember the last time you sat for meditation and it was crummy? All kinds of distracting, anxious, upsetting, annoying thoughts were going on. Did you say, “yippee”? Or did you get frustrated? Of course, like me, you were probably quite displeased.
Maybe you then tried harder to push those thoughts away, thinking, “This is not supposed to happen! I am supposed to be calm, relaxed, and serene. I’m supposed to look and feel like a Buddha in lotus pose: eyelids half-closed, body upright and aligned but oh so relaxed, and hands in a perfect mudra, completely still, looking as if I could float on a lotus leaf. Or at least I should feel that way.”
Um, no. Well, you certainly can have that experience. But if you’re attached to it—attached to outcome, expecting that it should, must, has to, and needs to be that way—then you’re holding on to some degree of perfection.
Spirituality Is Messy
The honest-to-goodness truth is that spirituality is a messy journey. You’ll have to get used to getting dirty, digging down deep, bumpy trails, picking up the trash, and sometimes even sitting in it because it just happens to be there.
The spiritual path is not about avoidance—avoidance of anything less than ideal—but about fully embracing who you are and whatever is. Yes, it involves taking appropriate action to continue on the path, but still, the path is what it is.
Your mind isn’t always going to be still. Neither will your body. In fact, they rarely will be. That’s OK. And your anxiety will arise from time to time, even after you’ve been practicing meditation, breathwork, or yoga for years. But as you continue on, you’ll develop the skill and courage to know how to journey through it rather than trying to push it away.
The “Saint Syndrome”
One of the attractive qualities of the spiritual path is the idea of becoming perfect. Sure, almost everyone has some ideal they seek to realize, even if they aren’t spiritual, like the pinnacle of their career, winning a marathon, or writing that bestselling book.
But spiritual seekers take that to the nth degree. This is what I call the Saint Syndrome. We have these spiritual teachers or gurus we look up to who seem to have it all together. They’re completely at ease all the time, sit in meditation