Chapter 12 explores how you can figure out whether you could use some professional help in breaking off a relationship, staying broken up, or making better choices when it comes to romance. Some women “relapse” numerous times back into the arms of their lover. They may find it next to impossible to break free, even as their prime years pass by. A self-help book may be all it takes for some, but for many the guidance of a professional counselor provides the support, and facilitates the intensive emotional work, necessary to move forward. The chapter also explains how to find the right professional.
Finally, chapter 13 reviews key points and leaves you with messages about self-love, finding a sense of purpose, and healing. We also look at vulnerability, loss, and forgiveness. You can explore the recommended reading and additional resources that follow the final chapter to help yourself stay on track.
It’s hard not to analyze why someone would be averse to intimacy and closeness with others. We have a lot of information from the social science field that says humans are hardwired to connect with others. This phenomenon is part of our evolution and critical to our survival as a species. Yet reality tells us that some seem to choose social isolation. Some people may also refuse to risk the potential rejection that comes when seeking connection with others. These individuals are not going to make themselves vulnerable to that type of emotional risk. Now that we’ve discussed the big picture in chapter 1, let’s take a closer look at science to uncover the deeper reasons why some people avoid connection.
Attachment
It is beneficial to understand the basics of what is called attachment theory in the context of dating and relationships. Attachment theory is based upon work by psychologist and researcher John Bowlby that he started in the early 1950s. Attachment is about how we develop deep bonds with those we depend on. The first bond is most often with a parent, since we are not born with the ability to take care of ourselves. We are entirely dependent upon a parent or a substitute caretaker. How reliable and consistent the care is influences our sense of security with ourselves, the world, and others. These early patterns also create a blueprint for how we behave in romantic relationships. The core of this involves how we think about and know what we need and the ways in which we get those needs met. Several patterns, or “styles,” evolve from the safety and security of this initial relationship. We have either a secure attachment style or one of three possible insecure attachment styles.
A person with a secure attachment style is able to easily identify his or her needs and be comfortable reaching for other people to get those needs met if necessary. Securely attached people are also at ease meeting the needs of others, such as a romantic partner. In general, this style emerges from an overall happy childhood with consistent caregivers who met both the physical and the emotional needs of the child. The three insecure styles are anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Those who have an anxious attachment style, also known as “ambivalent” or “preoccupied,” seek a lot of reassurance, as these names imply, and become anxious when separated from a partner. Sometimes, they are viewed as “too needy” or simply “insecure.” This is often the result of inconsistent caregiving in childhood or a highly anxious parent.
Those with an avoidant attachment style, also known as “dismissive,” minimize their need for others or even deny having such needs. This frequently arises from the unavailability of a caregiver early in life, which left the child to take care of him- or herself or manage difficult emotions alone. Their view of relationships is quite negative.
The last category, disorganized attachment style, is also known as fearful-avoidant. People with this style often desire intimacy and connection but fear them at the same time. Hence, they give a lot of mixed signals and display “come here / go away” behavior. This style is often a result of childhood abuse, trauma, or severe inconsistency in parenting.
Typical behaviors of those who have any of the insecure attachment styles can also be viewed as coping strategies. They may have worked well in childhood or perhaps were needed for survival, but they work poorly in adult romantic relationships. For instance, a person who avoids conflict at all costs may be reacting to early bad memories of conflict within the family.
It’s important to know that we all have an attachment style. Attachment styles should not be considered normal versus abnormal. Your attachment style is affected by not just the quality of your parenting but the quality of your experiences with others throughout your life. It is significantly affected by how secure you feel (or don’t feel) within a relationship and how you respond to feelings of disconnection. Attachment is also a topic separate from mental illness. Some people may have a mental illness, “bad genetics,” a personality disorder, immaturity, or some combination of these things that is to blame for their transgressions or uncaring behavior.
Types of Emotionally Unavailable Men
Who are these men who behave poorly in romantic relationships? Do they all have an insecure attachment style? I would venture to say that many of them do. I have categorized these men using “profiles” that characterize their typical behaviors both when dating and when relating.
The Married (or Already in a Serious Relationship)
The ultimate unavailable man is the one who is already committed in some capacity to someone else. This person will also fit some of the other profiles listed below. I thoroughly explore this situation in chapter 3.
The Long-Distance Lover
You and he do not live in the same area. Such relationships often become passionate, and when you do see each other it is exciting and fantasy-like. I am definitely not saying that these relationships never work out. I know that they can, and not all participants in this type of relationship are emotionally unavailable. But some are, and purposely do not seek relationships with those they can see regularly. Just beware of how easy it is for him to hide from you who he really is. In fact, some men may purposely choose someone who won’t be privy to their day-to-day life for any number of reasons. Keep in mind that you must live in the same area to actually get to know each other and see if your relationship can really work out.
The Personality-Disordered
Perhaps he is a narcissist or, worse, a sociopath. Regardless, he keeps you around for his own exploitive or opportunistic purposes. He may be looking for validation of his good looks, virility, and manliness. He may lack both empathy and sensitivity to how his actions affect you. His feelings are the only ones that really matter. He is likely charming and confident as well, which can quickly suck you in.
This type might just be using you. He could be getting what he can for his own good out of being with you. This is not always sex. You may be offering him a place to stay or financially supporting him. If he is married, you may be the transitional person to help him out of his marriage. Regardless, love is not his motive.
Those with personality disorder traits also have the uncanny ability to make you feel like you are the one with the problem. He may be capable of committing to you in some respects, but understand that he will never love you as much as he loves himself. He may be in a position of high power owing to his career, wealth, political position, fame, or all of the above, and women often find this extremely attractive. Those in positions of leadership, control, and power are often admired by others and effortlessly capture the romantic attention of women. Just remember: