Samantha was like many women in a relationship with a married or otherwise unavailable man. People would ask her why such an attractive, smart, educated, and hardworking woman didn’t have a serious boyfriend. She really seemed to have her life together. And although she always answered, “I haven’t met the right one yet,” she believed that, one day, she would be introducing the right one — the one she was already seeing — to her inner circle...as soon as he got a divorce. She also believed that she could wait. After all, she was only twenty-five.
Single women in relationships with married, noncommittal, or emotionally unavailable men let many years of their lives go down the drain. The chemistry of lust and fantastic sex can keep them in a state similar to addiction. With a married man, the highs are so high that these women have learned to cope with the lows — the “in-between” times of not being able to see or talk to him and of going solo to parties and events. With the emotionally unavailable man, you find yourself going crazy, in a state of high anxiety, wondering why he has not responded to your call or text.
Like Samantha, you have found that a relationship with a married man ensnares you in a web of lies that keeps this relationship hidden. Your friends and family may have met him under the pretense that he is single. Or perhaps no one even knows he exists. Whatever the case may be, your life is an emotional roller coaster.
Being with an unresponsive man who you know is single and available is another kind of torture. You tell people you have met a “great guy,” and you can’t deny the chemistry and intense attraction. Yet your friends all wonder why you also seem miserable. You are likely conflicted because this feeling that you call love makes you insecure and anxious at the same time.
Since you have decided to read this book, maybe you’re tired of living in a state of constant ambiguity. Perhaps you are seriously asking yourself if you should cut your losses and move on. Or perhaps you are looking for a sign of hope telling you that you should continue to ride this out. Many women enter into such an arrangement unwittingly. Some women do break up with a man upon learning he’s married or emotionally unresponsive and, in doing so, cut off a seemingly drama-filled relationship quickly. However, many others stay in roller-coaster relationships anyway.
When He’s Emotionally Unavailable: “Isn’t my love enough?” you might ask. I can tell you this circumstance has nothing to do with the amount of love or your ability to love. Lust and infatuation maybe, but not love. Love doesn’t hurt like this. Real love is balanced and reciprocal. There is a healthy dependency rather than a codependency. In a healthy dependency, you can each count on the other, and you have each other’s back. A man in a mutually loving relationship would not make you feel off balance and as if you are going crazy. He would also be completely honest about his feelings and the status of your relationship.
Let’s take a look at Michelle’s situation. She got set up on a blind date with Mark by a friend. Not blind exactly, because she knew so much about him before they met. He looked adorable in his social media pictures. Just her type. What’s more, he looked great on paper. An Ivy League graduate with a professional job, and Jewish like she was — and now, her friend thought they would be perfect for each other.
When they finally met at a noisy bar, it was as if the heavens parted and there was no one else in the place but them. They talked all night and had so much in common. She was sure she had found “the one.” When the date ended, and they went their separate ways, she was excited to hear him say he would contact her and definitely wanted to go out again. Then, when he didn’t call or text the next day (or the day after...), she became sad and anxious. She replayed the date in her head, wondering what she had done wrong or if she’d misread Mark.
She finally heard from him on Friday and was now faced with deciding whether she would be “too available” if she agreed to see him on Saturday night as he requested. After polling all her friends, she decided to go out with him, and they had an amazing time again. But then the cycle started over, and again she didn’t hear from him for several days. She decided to send him a text, and it went unanswered until the next day. All she got was a “sorry so busy” response. What a letdown. But instead of reading the situation for what it was, Michelle just tried harder and obsessed over him more. She could not comprehend how this could be happening, given all the undeniable chemistry they had.
Fast-forward to a few months later, and the “relationship” Michelle had with Mark — if you want to call it that — was filled with constant ups and downs, highs and lows. He could be very sweet and responsive and, at other times, distant and moody. This left her feeling great at times and, at other times, extremely depressed and anxious. It seemed like she was always worried about the relationship and whether Mark was going to break up with her or had found someone else. Mark called her “needy” when she tried to express her feelings to him. She was so confused at that point. She believed she was in love, but she was miserable and her family was always concerned about her.
Leaving someone you love is one of the most difficult things you can ever do. Michelle got in so deep that it seemed impossible. We can see from her story that she completely missed some major red flags. Even she did not know how she turned into the person she did with Mark. She always saw herself as strong and independent, successful at work, and as someone with plenty of friends.
But the essential point is that men like Mark are not capable of loving women back. Their behavior may run the range from manipulative or insensitive to downright emotionally abusive. It’s imperative to understand why this happens and how to find a man who will love you back unequivocally. It is also critical to know when and how to get out of this situation before it creates more distress and psychological damage.
When He’s Noncommittal: Don’t some men get over their fear of commitment? The short answer is, yes, some men do get over their relationship anxiety (a.k.a. “commitment phobia”). If they are going to, though, it will likely happen in a reasonable amount of time! You will also be getting positive signs during the course of your relationship that it is progressing in that direction. You will not see the same anxiety in other areas of this person’s life. Truly noncommittal men are just that: incapable of committing. The issues may be too deep-rooted, or the dysfunction too significant, for him to get past his fear. You may notice it in other areas of his life as well, not just in his relationship history.
This is the situation Emily found herself in. She liked so many things about Jake. They had a lot in common, enjoyed each other’s company, and had good sexual chemistry. She was in her late twenties and had established herself in a career. She was ready for marriage and thought Jake would make a good husband and father. After a year of dating, he still never brought up their future and certainly not marriage. Every time she wanted to talk about it, he would derail the conversation by picking an ugly fight. He would say that he was not ready, but he could not provide a clear answer about when he might be. Or he would blame it on his uncertain career path.
Emily noticed he had trouble staying at one company and bounced around a lot. She also knew that his parents had had a contentious divorce and a drawn-out custody battle. She did everything she could to reassure him, yet nothing seemed to calm his fear of committing. Emily began to feel tormented by her love for him and her desire for marriage and children.
Men with relationship anxiety can, indeed, be in love with you. However, they have much more difficulty staying in the relationship long term. They also have trouble talking about a future with you. If push comes to shove, they will likely bolt from the relationship. The expectation of commitment makes them fearful. They may struggle with the conflict of dependency versus freedom. Being in love with someone who can’t commit to you can become a nightmare.
When He’s Already Committed (or Married): Men in this category are emotionally and often physically unavailable. In fact, they already have a girlfriend or have taken vows with someone. Yet you might find yourself involved with or very attracted to one. Don’t some men leave