Ghosted and Breadcrumbed. Dr. Marni Feuerman

you are not right for him now that he is with you full-time. If he’s like many cheating men, you served a purpose while he was married, but now you are no longer needed. Or, he (or you) will decide you both are not a match now that you are in a regular relationship.

      Reason #5: His extended family, children, and friends will dislike you. You will be seen as a home-wrecker or worse. You may not be welcomed by his family and friends. If he gets serious about choosing to marry or live with you, are you ready to be a stepmother? How well do you think this transition is going to go over with the children? Having stepchildren puts significant stress on even the healthiest remarriages.

      Reason #6: Good men do not cheat. They work on the problems in their marriages. He will not magically morph into a good guy just because he is now with you. His behavior — call it immoral, narcissistic, egotistical, or just plain being a jerk — is part of him, whether he’s married, divorced, or single.

      Reason #7: Will you ever really trust him? Now that you’ve got the guy, do you feel deep down that he would not choose to have another affair, with someone else? You might not be able to let your guard down and relax even though he is with you now.

      Reason #8: You will be forever branded as the “other woman.” Anyone who has met you or knows you by way of these circumstances will never view you differently. It may seem unfair, but this is powerful stuff and one of those things that can stay with you.

      Reason #9: You might feel extreme culpability over what has happened. If he is now an outcast according to his family and friends, you might feel terrible about it. This guilt is actually healthy, because it means you have now realized you were part of creating this problem. You did do something wrong. However, the guilt can seriously eat away at you and cast a dark cloud over your head.

      Reason #10: His former wife will still be in your life if they have children. If the discovery of the affair and the resultant divorce was a shock to her, you might become the target of her anger. Inside, she may still feel shock and despair. Her world has crumbled, and she is grieving. This may affect you directly or indirectly if she continues to make her ex-spouse miserable.

      You may have begun to recognize that you are entitled to more than an already-taken man. So how do you get yourself out? Perhaps you have tried a few times only to be lured back in. You may have been experiencing a lot of ambivalence about this arrangement. Or you may still be hoping things will end somehow, some way, with your heart intact.

      If you have made the decision to do what it takes to get out, I applaud you. To make this happen, you will have to take a good hard look at yourself. You will need to understand the underlying reasons that you got caught up in something like this. The same applies if you are in any other kind of unhealthy relationship, whether it involves emotional unavailability, abuse, addiction, or any type of toxic behavior. You need an in-depth understanding of why you engage in specific unhealthy behaviors or you’ll be destined to repeat them, maybe not in exactly the same circumstances, but in similar ones.

CHAPTER FOUR

       MAYBE IT’S YOU

      Why on earth would someone continue to put herself repeatedly in situations that cause her pain? It is a question that may be unanswerable in its entirety, but we can certainly look at some of the potential reasons. Looking at yourself in the mirror is no easy task. Most of us either avoid it or operate from the perspective that we don’t need to do it. Insight levels relating to self-perception can fluctuate widely. People can go from having an immense amount of insight to having nearly none. People vary on a continuum ranging from extremely psychologically healthy to severely disordered. And unquestionably, people vary significantly in their motivation, and perhaps ability, to make personal changes. Given this phenomenon, I ask you to stay open-minded enough to explore and consider what you are about to read in this chapter.

      Let’s break down the reasons you may repeatedly find yourself falling for men who won’t, or can’t, love you back. I emphasize again that this is tough to explore. It may bring up some feelings of sadness, anger, or shame. This is normal, however, because it is impossible to scrutinize our flaws without some of these feelings coming up. The good news about having these emotions is that emotion can be a huge motivator. Think about anything you do in life. If you didn’t feel emotionally moved to do it, you wouldn’t do it! Commonly, the only other time we do what we do is to avoid punishment or some other negative consequence. Strangely, people can suffer many adverse effects in a lousy relationship yet keep forging ahead. When it comes to matters of the heart, our feelings can guide us to what we need to do to feel better. So, let’s now take a look at some of the reasons that may be contributing to your relationship choices.

      You Are the Intimacy Avoider (Not Him)