It repeatedly happens that women enmeshed in affairs become anguished while deciding what to do with this kind of relationship. Most likely they fit the description of one of the three types of insecure attachment styles. Furthermore, certain personality traits considered virtuous and positive may create a double-edged sword for these women — for example, being empathic, hopeful, strong-willed, passionate, and loving. These women have a natural tendency to empathize with a man’s situation if he is unhappily married. A strong-willed nature and hopefulness keep them holding out for a happy ending. These are passionate women, and they finally have someone who appreciates it. Having a loving nature makes it a challenge to merely stop loving him and think that there might be someone else to love! If you are in this predicament, your good intentions have serious unintended consequences.
Take Kathy’s situation. She considers herself an “empath,” someone who easily becomes attuned to other people’s energy. Empaths intuitively perceive and experience the feelings of others. The danger for empaths comes when they also take on the emotions of others. They may even do so at the expense of their own needs. Women like Kathy frequently attract their opposite — those deficient in empathy, such as sociopaths and narcissists.
Kathy felt Matthew’s pain very deeply. He always looked distressed, and when she asked him if everything was okay, he took the opportunity to pour his heart out about his troubled marriage and how his wife didn’t appreciate him despite the many things he did to try to please her. Kathy felt a pull to comfort him, and of course, she felt so bad about his circumstances. He seemed like a great guy. Before long, she was doing way too much to comfort Matthew. The boundaries between his own pain and her pain for him became utterly blurred. She was in a full-fledged affair by the time she realized she had made a huge mistake. Interestingly enough, now she could never do enough to please Matthew. In his eyes, she was always doing something wrong. Then, it dawned on her that she was probably feeling the way his wife felt — Matthew never believed he got enough care, love, and attention; he was always unsatisfied.
Women pursue relationships with men who are already taken based on their feelings and chemistry. The men, however, may only be looking to fill a need. Some men act out of selfishness and self-righteousness — they just want the physicality of the relationship with you. But those trying to fill an unmet emotional need aren’t simply focused on the physical. If they’ve been rejected by their wives, they may also feel unloved, unimportant, or hurt. Hence, the problem-solving state of mind: “I can stay happily married (or at least somewhat satisfied) and keep my family intact by maintaining an affair.” This probably isn’t a conscious thought, but it is likely a factor at play.
The profiles of unavailable men discussed in chapter 2 are also typical of married men who have affairs. However, if you have fallen for a married man, he most likely fits the narcissist profile. It is easy to get fooled by this type of person. Narcissistic people are often especially attractive and charismatic. They appear self-assured and confident. Others perceive them positively even before having any sort of interaction (a phenomenon called zero acquaintance)! Ironically, though, others’ perceptions become highly unfavorable as time goes on.
Married men who have affairs tend to have been avoidant in their past relationships, and they surely are with their current spouse. They don’t face problems head-on. They lack proactive behavior and problem-solving skills. They avoid confrontation. They turn to someone outside their marriage to get their needs met or as a coping strategy of sorts. They often come from dysfunctional families. They may have had cheating parents, or they saw a cold and unloving relationship between their parents.
The chances are excellent that the married man you are involved with picked you opportunistically. He may have some feelings for you, but it’s more probable that he just enjoys the physical aspect and excitement of the relationship. He is absorbed in the fantasy and fun that this relationship brings. And if he actually did leave his wife for you, you both would eventually find yourselves in a regular relationship. Following the stereotype, he would tire of your nagging, overspending, or PMS-ing, and you would tire of his clothes on the floor, his spontaneous farting, and his tuning you out every Sunday for football. And if in fact he is a narcissist, you are heavily involved with someone insensitive, self-absorbed, and manipulative.
Magical Thinking
Men who are cheating on their wives are not the “good ones.” These are not men of integrity. You can easily get caught up in magical thinking about the relationship you have with this type of man. Magical thinking may also come up for you when you consider someone not necessarily taken but emotionally unavailable. Here are some examples of this thinking:
• He really loves me; he made a mistake getting married to her.
• He would never cheat on me once we’re together for real.
• His wife must really be so _______ (fill in the blank: bitchy, cold, nasty...).
• He’s my soul mate; there can’t possibly be anyone else out there for me.
• We have a special connection.
• I am supposed to be understanding because ______ (fill in the blank: he has a child, he is a victim of a bad circumstance...).
• I can make him happy in a way she couldn’t.
You get the point. This thinking will keep you in this ongoing cycle of highs and lows with this person.
Common Threads among Affair Partners
Affair partners tend to experience one or more of several themes. Here are some of them:
• It is often a lonely and isolating experience. You might have to keep this part of your life hidden from friends and family. You often suffer in silence.
• You have one of the three insecure attachment styles that gets activated by your married partner.
• You may not have known your partner was married when you met, and now that you have fallen in love you’re already thinking it’s too late to get out.
• You experience a great deal of anxiety (fear, rumination) because you are involved with someone married.
• You recognize that your values do not align with your actions.
• You try to focus much more on the positives of the relationship and reasons to stay the course.
• You invest a lot of time, resources, and energy in the relationship, making it hard not to see it through.
What’s the Deal with His Wife?
You are probably very curious about your man’s wife. You view her as a rival who is standing in the way of your happiness. You may know her personally, or she may be a stranger. Regardless, your perception and knowledge of her are based mostly on what your man tells you (and doesn’t tell you). If your man does talk about her, you probably hear all the horrible things she does. If you know her and see her in a good light from your experience, you may not know what to think. His words don’t fit what you see or know. However, if you don’t know her, you can easily believe his convincing point of view. In fact, you will do whatever you can not to be like her. You will want to prove to him that you can make him happy. It’s part of the cycle that keeps you hooked.
Some men won’t even mention their wives. They refuse to discuss her or become quite good at evading any questions about her or the marriage. They have superior compartmentalization skills. This will drive you nuts! You will do whatever you can to try to find out about her. You will also look for reasons to consider her awful, to justify your behavior with her spouse.
Diana did just that. She was Jon’s affair partner for several months. He would not tell her why he was unhappy with his marriage. She stalked his wife on Facebook and saw that she and his wife had a friend in common. First, she was taken aback by how pretty his wife was. Diana made up a silly reason to ask her friend about Jon’s wife. She was even more disheartened