• “I’m not in love with her anymore.” He may not understand how love evolves over the course of a long-term relationship. He is also equating love with lust.
• “She never wants to have sex” or “The sex is boring.” For many, the novelty and excitement of married sex will never compare to the excitement of affair sex. The spouse may be very attractive and sexy too...it really doesn’t matter.
• “She doesn’t take care of herself” or “She gained a lot of weight.” Your man will highlight her undesirable traits and how she has let herself go.
• “She doesn’t understand me.” This is a big cliché and probably a big lie. The wife knows him all too well, and this bothers him.
• “She’s a nag.” This may be true in some regard. But, as a couples’ therapist, I can tell you that the more one partner withdraws and avoids, the more the spouse nags, pokes, and pushes for intimacy, connection, and closeness.
• “She doesn’t appreciate me.” This one often has some truth to it as well. It does not excuse the cheating behavior, however. Cheating is not a solution to the marital problem.
• “She is mentally ill.” It is possible his wife is physically or mentally ill (or both). Your man may worry about how his wife will decompensate if he leaves. He may also worry about a severe reaction or breakdown.
If he tells you they are both unhappy but won’t divorce, you may hear these reasons:
• “I can’t afford to get a divorce.” Facing significant financial changes can definitely be a barrier to seeking a divorce. Many husbands worry about how they will support two separate households or pay alimony. Wives also worry about how they will live off drastically reduced incomes. There may be other money-related intricacies as well. Finances can keep two unhappily married people together.
• “My wife is ill.” A man usually will not leave a wife with a chronic medical illness or a wife who is fragile. He may also stay if she is at risk of suicide or deep depression.
• “I will never see my kids.” He may fear that his wife will alienate him from the kids or that he will not get fair visitation rights. He may even have discussed this with a lawyer and have good reason to be scared. Or he may tell you, “I will scar my kids.” He is afraid of the harm and upheaval it will cause for his children. He wants an intact household and believes it is best for the children if he does not divorce.
• “Leaving my wife for you will negatively affect my career / my reputation / what friends and family think of me / what clients or customers think of me.”
Courting Disaster
When involved with a married man, you are courting disaster. This disaster will likely be one of three things: (1) he’ll dump you; (2) his wife will find out, and he’ll drop you; or (3) he’ll leave his wife for you, and together you’ll crash and burn. Let’s take a look at each of these three scenarios.
Why would this man dump you? Remember, even traditional relationships end for various reasons. He might dump you if he feels too pressured to commit to you or spend time with you. He might dump you because his guilty conscience gets the best of him. He might dump you because he basically doesn’t love you anymore. Let’s say your man’s wife finds out. Or, she kinda, sorta, knew something was up but didn’t act on that intuition until now. What if she goes ballistic and seeks revenge on you?
Marcy found out her husband, Dan, the CEO of a highly respected nonprofit organization, was cheating on her with an employee. She stormed into his office one day and literally destroyed it in a rage. He was fired on the spot along with the woman at work he was cheating with. The incident blew them both out of their fantasy world in an instant. He had to search for jobs all across the country because his reputation was destroyed. He couldn’t afford the nice family home anymore and moved into a small apartment with a roommate. What had happened created fodder for gossip for a long time after. This may seem like an extreme example, yet it does happen, and it can easily happen to you.
If your man’s wife finds out, he will be faced with making a decision whether to stay or go. The energy that goes into this decision is immense. He may very well have feelings for both you and his wife. But he made a commitment to his wife, and if he has children with her, he is very likely going to lean into the marriage, not out of it. Regardless, this will create a severe crisis and much turmoil for him. He may even go into marriage therapy with his spouse at this point. In fact, he may want you to “wait in the wings” while he tries this out. I have seen men come to therapy with their wives, blown away by how devastated their wives are over the affair. The men didn’t know how much their wives loved them before this. Often, they both realize that they took each other for granted.
Steve had been married to Kate for fifteen years. They had two kids. He wasn’t unhappy with Kate, but in his mind, she seemed to constantly want romance and intimacy. She always wanted to talk, to improve their communication. As a relatively withdrawn guy, Steve didn’t like to talk about their problems. If he was angry at Kate, he thought it would be better to just ignore it and let things settle down.
Steve met Jodi at work. He found her easy to have a relationship with. She never brought up anything serious and was a lot of fun. Steve, being unable to maturely communicate with his wife, had this affair to get some relief from the seriousness of day-to-day family life. Kate did find out about the affair and was devastated. All she’d done was try to love Steve. She had no idea why he would do this to her.
The story you get from your man, or what you piece together with limited information, is not the entire truth. Most importantly, you deserve someone fully available to be your partner. You also deserve honesty and transparency and should not settle for less than that, ever.
Several chapters of this book explore the reasons women stay with unavailable men. However, regarding the man who is married, we also need to examine some additional special circumstances that may keep you hooked. The foremost special circumstance is the promise of commitment or marriage or that he will leave his wife for you down the road. Your view-point on this notion may vary. In his eyes, your relationship might be a long-term ongoing secret affair. In your eyes, it is a love affair, and there is hope that commitment will come. He may even offer a time frame. You will likely see this time frame get pushed back over and over. You might hear a lot of reasons why it can’t happen soon. Meanwhile, you wait and wait and wait. If you desire children, you might be forced to give up on this, too, while waiting. Again, you deserve a fulfilling life. Your goals must be front and center and supported by a life partner instead of compromised by him.
Let’s say that, as a result of failed marriage therapy, a midlife crisis, or his own personal decision, he does leave his wife for you. Unfortunately, your relationship with him is probably doomed to fail. It may seem cynical of me to say this, but I assure you, this is the honest, direct, and realistic assessment of what will most likely occur. As noted earlier, only the tiniest of chances exists for the relationship to succeed if it began as an affair — a possibility so slim that I can’t in good conscience advise you to bet on it.
This relationship is doomed to fail for several reasons:
Reason #1: The relationship got off to a troubling start. It was based on deceit and dishonesty. Does that sound like a good beginning to you? I am not sure if any woman (or man) looking for love would ever say, “I would like a dishonest person.”
Reason #2: You have been living in a fantasy world. You got his best side. You two have always done something fun, romantic, or sexual. There has likely also been much novelty, which added to the rush of endorphins you got whenever you saw him. You did not get to see everything about him, and therefore you have built up a certain false image of him.
Reason #3: You will now be involved in his day-to-day life. If he’s in a crisis over choosing