Bobby Fischer
Exit
When a man’s house is on fire, it’s time to break off chess.
Thomas Fuller
Equality Of The Sexes
Mixed chess is the ultimate mating game.
Colin M. Jarman
The Feel Bad Factor
I say, let’s banish bridge. Let’s find some pleasant way of being miserable together.
Don Herold, US humourist
Arrested Development
The only athletic sport I mastered was backgammon.
Douglas Jerrold, playwright
Mistaken Identity
I always thought backgammon was a side of bacon.
Spike Milligan
Revenge Is Sweet
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
Maverick
She [Joan Collins] has the assurance of someone dealing herself a fifth ace in a card game with children.
Louis T. Stanley
V for Victory
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Savelly Tarkatower
Fair Play
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
Oscar Wilde
Impossible Odds
Fate was kind to him, dealing him a hand of five aces.
Harry Wilson
This collection reveals the unquenchable, insatiable wit that smoulders unseen under the mute, impassive faces of the world’s toughest men. The result is a wry, idiosyncratic and sometimes bizarre catalogue of comic creations. Perhaps the intensity and sheer brute force of the sport requires a natural human fallout, a spontaneous emission that enables pugilists to get through the physical battle. Comedy serves as a safety valve.
1. The Good
Self-confidence
When you’re as great as I am, it’s hard to be humble.
Muhammad Ali
Down And Out
Politics is like boxing – you try to knock out your opponents.
Idi Amin
Preliminaries
Marriage is like a boxing card. The preliminaries are frequently better than the main event.
Anon
Goldfist
My aim is to become another Diego Maradona – the man with the golden fist.
Frank Bruno
Three In One
If you ever get belted and see three fighters through a haze, go after the one in the middle. That’s what ruined me – I went after the two guys on the other end.
Max Baer
Family Tree
Charlie Magri has to do well against the unknown Mexican who comes from a famous family of five boxing brothers.
Harry Carpenter
Discretion
Only the nose knows,
Where the noes goes,
When the door close.
Muhammad Ali, when asked about sex before a fight
Thrilling
It’ll be a thrilla, a chilla and a killa when I get the gorilla in Manila.
Muhammad Ali’s confident prediction before his third clash with Joe Frazier in 1975
Behind Every Great Man . . .
I don’t know what impressive is, but Joe was impressive tonight.
Marlene Bugner
Crowd Pleaser
When I got into the boxing ring, women used to scream with delight because usually I’d left my shorts in the locker.
Roy Brown
Metaphorically Speaking
That’s cricket. You get these sorts of things in boxing.
Frank Bruno, after Jorge Vaca took Lloyd Honeyghan’s world title following an accidental clash of heads
Of Biblical Proportions
Joe Bugner: Get me Jesus Christ, I’ll fight him tomorrow!
Hugh McIlvanney: Joe, you’re only saying that because you know he’s got bad hands.
Know What I Mean, Harry?
They said it would last two rounds – they were half wrong, it lasted four.
Harry Carpenter
No Contest
I’m the best heavyweight fighter in Canada and I’ll still be the best when I’m dead seven years.
George Chuvalo
Daddy’s Girl
This baby was planned. Before conception I had wanted a girl. It’s uncanny how I always get what I want.
Chris Eubank
Finnegan’s Awake
I know it’s said I can’t punch, but you should see me putting the cat out at night.
Chris Finnegan
Fair Fight
Sure, the fight was fixed. I fixed it with a right hand.
George Foreman, on his 1994 victory over Michael Moorer
The Eyes Have It
His potatoes kept getting cut eyes.
Reg Gutteridge, on why Henry Cooper quit his greengrocer’s business
Hair Today. Gone Tomorrow
With four sisters about the house, I could never get my hands on a comb.
‘Marvelous’ Marvin Hagler on his shaven head
Poetic Justice
I came from a dirt farm. Now I’m filthy rich.
Larry Holmes
Not To Put A Tooth In It
The hardest thing about boxing is picking up your teeth with a boxing glove on.
Kin Hubbard
Noblesse Oblige
Boxing is described as a ‘noble art’ because the winner is usually the first to draw blood on the canvas.
Colin M. Jarman
Womaniser
I enjoy broad-jumping!
Sonny Liston on his hobbies
Relaxation