Back to Basics
When all is said and done, sexual intercourse is the only thing worth a fuck.
Casey Stengel attributed
Night and Day
Los Angeles is a town where you can watch night baseball almost any afternoon.
Anon
Business and Pleasure
A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.
William Feather, publisher
What A Waste?
After spending four years as a college star, he was a failure at pro baseball. In fact, all he had to show for it was an education.
Anon
Patriotism
I take a national view of the American League and an American view of the National League.
Hubert Humphrey, former US Vice-President
Home Advantage
The good thing about playing for Cleveland that is you don’t have to make road trips there.
Jay Johnstone, Cleveland Indians
Shorts
Ballet is the fairies’ baseball.
Oscar Levant, humourist
COD
How does he want it? Cash or green stamps?
Billy Martin, New York Yankees, when told he was facing a $1 million lawsuit
Results
There are no prizes for winning the first half.
Steve Rogers, sportswriter
Absolutely Fabulous
We’ve got an absolutely perfect day here at Desert Sun Stadium, and we’re told it’s going to be an even more perfect day tomorrow.
Jerry Coleman
Speaking Proper
Old Diz knows the King’s English. And not only that. I also know the Queen is English.
Dizzy Dean, (in)famous commentator
The Final Nail In The Coffin
The only real way you know you’ve been fired, is when you arrive at the ball park and find your name has been scratched from the parking list.
Billy Martin
Narcissism
[Charlie O.] Finley is a self-made man who worships his creator.
Jim Murray, sportswriter
Mixed Blessing
The advantage of playing in New York is in getting to watch Reggie Jackson play every day. And the disadvantage is in getting to watch Reggie Jackson play every day.
Craig Nettles, New York Yankees
Not Like The Military
Close doesn’t count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and grenades.
Frank Robinson, Baltimore Orioles
The Man In The Middle
Pity the woman who marries a baseball umpire and has to have a man around the house who is always right.
Anon
To Russia With Love
You must give the Russians credit, they haven’t claimed yet that they invented baseball.
Ian Rosenberg, humourist
Distinguished Performer
If you come down to Ebbets Field today, you won’t have any trouble recognising me. My number is 42.
Jackie Robinson to his wife, before becoming the first Afro-American player in the Major League
A Thankless Task
It’s like being the president of the Flat Earth Society.
Don Smallwood, the President of the British Baseball Federation on the low interest in the sport in the UK
Envy
There’s two kinds of ball players – prospects and suspects. And suspects don’t like prospects.
Anon
Women Trouble
There is no reason why the infield should not try to put the batter off his stride at the critical moment, by neatly-timed disparagements of his wife’s fidelity and his mother’s respectability.
George Bernard Shaw
2. Players
Persistence
If you don’t succeed at first, try second base.
Anon
Up To Standard
Who said I have no standards? ‘Course I have standards! They may be very low, but at least I have them.
Yogi Berra
Line Dancing
All right, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
Diagnosis
From the way Denny’s shaking his head, he’s either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye.
Jerry Coleman
High Scoring
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Henry ‘Hank’ Aaron, Atlanta Braves
Slow Motion
[Stu] Miller has three speeds – slow, slower and slowest.
Anon
On The Crest Of A Slump
Slumps are like a soft bed – they’re easy to get into, and hard to get out of.
Johnny Bench, Cincinnatti Reds
Penetrating Analysis
If the people don’t want to come out to the ball park, nobody’s gonna stop them.
Yogi Berra
Legs
Who says I treat women badly? Nonsense, I put them on pedestals. It’s much easier to look up their skirts that way.
Babe Ruth attributed
Divine Providence
The good Lord was good to me. He gave me a strong body, a strong right arm and a weak mind.
Jay ‘Dizzy’ Dean, player & sportscaster
Heads Will Roll
There’s a fly ball back to centre field. Winfield is going back, back… He hits his head against the wall. It’s rolling back towards second base.
Jerry Coleman
Covert Operations
Throwing a fastball by Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.
Curt Simmons, Philadelphia Phillies
Highlight Of The Year
Young Frank Pastore may have just pitched the biggest victory of 1979, maybe the biggest victory of the year.