What we call this trait does matter. Labels tell us what we are dealing with as well as affect how children are viewed and view themselves. Naturally, those in the majority, the nonsensitive, have developed assumptions about what is going on inside sensitive children. Sometimes they may be projecting a bit—seeing in the “other” what they do not like and want to be rid of in themselves (perhaps fear or what they see as “softness” or “weakness”). But from the inside, sensitive children and their parents know the rest of the story—these children are sensitive.
IS YOUR CHILD HIGHLY SENSITIVE?
If you have not already done so, fill out the questionnaire at the end of the Introduction. Every “true” is a statement about an HSC. These questions are the result of research involving thousands of children. However, not all the statements will be true of every HSC. Children, like adults, vary enormously, in both their other inherited traits and the environment in which they grow up. So another way to decide is to do what you are doing—reading this chapter—and then seeing if it seems to fit your child.
Parents often know right away that they have an unusually sensitive child. Any newborn can be fussy or colicky, but sensitive infants cry mainly when there’s too much (for them) happening around them for too long. And for a sensitive infant, it takes much less to be “too much.” Sensitive children are also more affected by the moods of their parents—for example, anxiety. You can imagine the vicious circle that can create—you will find more on this topic in Chapter 6.
On the other hand, some sensitive babies don’t cry very much at all. Their parents have caught on to their infant’s sensitivity, perhaps because they are sensitive themselves, and have kept their child’s world calm and not too stimulating. Yet sensitive infants are still noticeable—they seem to follow everything with their eyes, respond to every sound or change in tone, and react to the fabrics against their skin or the temperature of their bathwater. As they grow, HSCs notice even more—that you are wearing a new shirt, that the broccoli has some spaghetti sauce on it, that there aren’t any trees growing here, that Grandma moved the sofa. And again, they are even more easily overwhelmed as they grow because they are experiencing so much more and have not yet become familiar with what they see, or learned how to reduce what their senses are absorbing.
So Why Is My Child Sensitive but Others Aren’t?
Any temperament trait is an innate, and thus very basic, aspect of a person’s behavior. It is genetically determined and usually present from birth. The basic temperament traits are found not only in humans but in all higher animals. Think of the temperaments typical in different breeds of dogs—the friendly Lab, the aggressive pit bull, the protective sheep dog, the proud prancing poodle. How they are raised matters, too, of course, but you cannot make a bulldog act like a Chihuahua. These personalities evolved, or were developed by breeders, because they are highly adaptive in certain situations. Therefore they are not disorders or impairments. All of them are normal dogs.
Biologists used to think that evolution guided every species toward a perfectly adapted prototype for living in a particular ecological niche. There is a design for an elephant that will work perfectly—a perfect length of trunk, height, thickness of skin. Elephants born with these features will survive while those that do not will die out.
Yet it turns out that in most or perhaps all animal species we find two “personalities.” A sizable minority are like your child—more sensitive, aware of subtleties, checking everything before proceeding—while the majority go boldly ahead without paying close attention to the situation or their surroundings.
Why would this difference exist? Imagine two deer at the edge of a meadow with grass that looks especially nutritious. One deer will pause a long time to be certain no predators are lurking. The other will pause briefly, then rush out and eat the grass. If the first deer was right, the second deer is dead. If the second deer is right, the first deer misses out on the best grass and, if this happens often, may suffer from malnutrition, become diseased, and die. So having two strategies, two “breeds” of deer in a herd, increases the odds of that group of deer surviving no matter what happens in the meadow that day.
Interestingly, even a study of fruit flies found this difference—and the gene that causes it. Some fruit flies have a place on their “forage” gene that makes them “sitters”—they do not forage far when food is present. Others are called “rovers” and do forage afar. Even more interesting, the gene causes the sitters to have the more sensitive, highly developed nervous systems!
In another animal experiment, looking at the “personality types” of pumpkinseed sunfish, a pond was filled with traps. According to the researchers, the majority of fish were “bold” and behaved “normally” by going into the traps, while the minority, the “shy” fish, escaped the traps. (What I want to know is why the two types weren’t called the stupid and the smart sunfish? Or at least the nonsensitive and sensitive!)
HOW THE HUMAN SPECIES WILL BENEFIT FROM YOUR HSC
In human groups there are enormous advantages to having a large minority who reflect before acting. They notice potential danger sooner; the others can then rush out to take care of it (and even enjoy the excitement of it all). The sensitive ones think carefully about consequences, too, and often insist that the others pause, see what may happen, and develop the best strategy. Clearly the two work best in combination.
Traditionally, sensitive people have been the scientists, counselors, theologians, historians, lawyers, doctors, nurses, teachers, and artists (for example, at one time sensitive people naturally became their town’s schoolmaster or -mistress, preacher, or family doctor). But, increasingly, sensitive persons are being nudged out of all these fields due to what seems to be a cycle that starts with the nonsensitive moving aggressively into decision-making roles, where they, quite naturally due to their temperaments, devalue cautious decision making, emphasize short-term profits or flashy results assertively presented over a quieter concern for consistent quality and long-term consequences, and do not need and so eliminate calm work environments and reasonable work schedules. Sensitive people are discounted, have less influence, suffer, or quit. Then the non-sensitive control the profession even more.
My description of this cycle is not meant as a complaint—merely an observation about a probable reason for these professions becoming more profit-oriented and less satisfactory in their results. In today’s world, too, if decision makers are not thinking enough about complexities and consequences, there is also danger as well as discomfort when there is an imbalance between the influence of the sensitive and nonsensitive. So it is critical for all of us that your HSC emerge from your home feeling confident and important, so he can share his gifts and have a solid influence on others.
Your Child Is Still Utterly Unique—Like Rhoda’s Three
Now that I have made a case for “sensitive” as the best label for this trait, let’s admit one problem with labels (there are others of course). It seems as though as soon as we give something a label, we think we know quite a bit about it, whether it is a camellia, a German shepherd, or an HSC. In fact, we still know very little about each individual camellia, German shepherd, or HSC.
As I interviewed parents and children specifically for this book, I was stunned by the uniqueness of each HSC, even more than in adults. It made me agree yet again with Margaret Mead, who said that children are born with a great variety of traits, like the many hues of a palette, but the culture encourages only certain