It is also true that once HSCs have had bad experiences or feel unsupported, then when they do pause to check they cannot compare the new situation to old ones and assume all is well, so they truly are fearful. But to think of these children only as fearful is to miss their essence and especially their assets. When we see a lovely fair-skinned person with blond hair and blue eyes, we don’t say, “Oh, look at that skin cancer – prone person.” So why focus on the greater potential for fear in HSCs? It is important to regard every personality trait as having a purpose and to focus on the situations in which it is adaptive as well as the times when it is not.
In the same vein, HSCs are not born “shy.” I doubt anyone is born shy in the sense of fearing the negative opinions of others and being seen as not good enough. Of course, the word shy is loosely tossed around, especially about those who hang back for any reason. “Shy” is even used with animals—people will say that one in every litter is born “shy.” But when it is used in this loose way to describe any kind of hesitance, again, you are probably inaccurately labeling a child who is actually an HSC.
I was present on the first day of preschool for both my son and, fifteen years later, my nephew. Both boys, both HSCs, stood at the back of the room, just stunned by all the kids, toys, and activity. I could tell they were not afraid. They were just watching, fascinated. Both times a teacher came up and asked them if they were “shy” or “afraid.” The labeling had already begun for them.
Third, introverted HSCs do not “dislike people.” Introverts simply prefer being with one or two close friends rather than in large groups or meeting strangers. Another way to think of introverts is that they prefer to step back and reflect on what they encounter; extroverts prefer to rush forward. Introverts value the inner, subjective experience of what they encounter; extroverts value the outer, “actual” objective experience.
As I said earlier, when I began my research, I thought sensitivity might be the same as introversion, and by the last definition, it is. But most people think of introversion and extroversion as a description of how sociable one is. And by that definition, as I’ve said, about 70 percent of HSCs are introverts, but not all; some are extroverts. And not all social introverts are highly sensitive. Are introversion and extroversion inherited differences? We do not know for sure. What matters is that you know your child’s preferred, most comfortable style.
Fourth, your child is not even “overly sensitive.” Professionals with a medical background tend to think of sensitivity as a disorder, a problem of being “too sensitive” and unable to filter or coordinate the information they take in. For example, occupational therapists who use Sensory Integration Therapy to treat real problems include “oversensitivity” as a problem, as if it can be cured.
I do not wish to be critical of Sensory Integration, however. Certainly, sensitive children, like all children, may have a sensory integration problem. These show up as difficulty with balance, awkwardness or stiffness of motion, lack of coordination, and so forth. Many parents have told me that they found Sensory Integration very helpful for their HSCs, although it takes time. But I do not think being sensitive as I have defined it is a problem to be treated, much less cured. (Whenever anyone says an HSC is “overly” sensitive or taking in “irrelevant” information, I think of Sherlock Holmes, who found everything relevant.)
Finally, HSCs are not mentally ill and will not become mentally ill unless put under unusual stress. As Jerome Kagan of Harvard said about “highly reactive infants,” 90 percent do not become consistently inhibited or anxious as adults. Studies of adolescent anxiety finds it unrelated to shyness in early childhood, except in rare cases in which the families already had members with anxiety disorders. Finally, there is my own research, which indicates that those HSCs with reasonably normal childhoods were no more prone to anxiety, depression, or shyness than non-HSCs.
Furthermore, two studies have found that “reactive” children (HSCs) with good childhoods are actually less likely to have physical illnesses or injuries than non-HSCs (suggesting they are emotionally healthier as well).
STILL UNSURE IF YOUR CHILD IS AN HSC?
At the start of the chapter I said that a good way to know if your child is an HSC is simply to read this chapter and see if it fits. To help you draw your conclusion I need to make a few more comments.
First, your child is probably not an HSC if he is sensitive about only one thing, or only about something that would be expected for his age. For example, most children develop a fear of strangers in the second half of the first year, and become fussy about how things are done when they are two. Most young children are bothered by very loud noises and separations from their parents. They almost all have some nightmares.
Your child is also probably not an HSC if there was no sensitivity or fearful reactions until a big stress or change in the child’s life—a new sibling, move, divorce, or change of caregivers, for example. If your child’s personality has undergone a sudden, persistent, disturbing change—such as becoming withdrawn, refusing to eat, developing obsessive fears, picking fights constantly, or developing a sudden, very negative self-image or sense of hopelessness—that needs to be checked by a professional team, which usually includes at least a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, and pediatrician. An HSC’s reactions are fairly consistent from birth, not a sudden change, and not purely negative.
HSCs have responses that are more pronounced than those of a non-HSC, but they are within the normal range for HSCs, and the normal range on most other behaviors. They start to talk and walk at about normal times, although slight delays are common in toilet training or giving up a pacifier. They are responsive to people as well as to their environment, and eager to communicate with those they know well. And while young HSCs may refuse to talk at school at first, they should be talking at home and with close friends—that is, they should be relaxed in familiar surroundings.
HSCs and ADD
I am always asked about the relationship between the trait of sensitivity and attention deficit disorder (ADD). On the surface, there are similarities, and some professionals think many HSCs are misdiagnosed as having ADD. And, I suppose, it is possible for HSCs to have ADD. But the two are not the same at all, and in some ways are, in fact, opposites. For example, there is more blood flow to the right side of the brain in most HSCs, more to the left in those with ADD. Children with ADD probably have very active go-for-it systems and relatively inactive pause-to-check systems.
Why are the two confused? Like children with ADD, HSCs can be easily distracted because they notice so much (although at times they are so deep in thought they notice very little). But ADD is a disorder because it indicates a general lack of adequate “executive functions,” such as decision making, focusing, and reflecting on outcomes. HSCs are usually good at all of this, at least when they are in a calm, familiar environment. For whatever reason (the cause is not known), children with ADD find it very difficult to learn to prioritize, to return their attention to what they are doing once they have glanced outside or know the teacher is not talking to them personally.
Again, HSCs can generally tune out distractions when they want to or must, at least for a while. But it requires mental energy. Thus another reason HSCs can be misdiagnosed as having ADD is because, if the distractions are numerous or prolonged, or they are emotionally upset and thus overstimulated already from within, they may very well become overwhelmed by outer distractions and behave as if agitated or “spacey.” They may tire midway through a long, noisy school day because they have to make a greater effort than others to screen out distractions. Also, if they fear they will perform worse in a given situation because of overarousal and distractions—for example, during an important exam—they very often do become overaroused and therefore notice some distraction they could ordinarily tune out.
Teachers may suggest that