Is It All or None?
Can your child be just a little sensitive? Some researchers say you either have the trait or you do not; others say it is a continuum. My own research says both—that is, some HSCs seem more sensitive than others, probably because there are so many ways that a child’s environment can increase or decrease how much sensitivity is expressed. But if it were a true continuum, like height or weight, most people would be in the middle. In fact, the distribution of highly sensitive people is more like a flat line, perhaps even with a few more people at either end.
Inside the Highly Sensitive Child
Let’s go farther inside the mind of your HSC. Yes, he notices more, but he may have a “specialty.” Some tune in to social cues, mainly noticing moods, expressions, or relationships. Some HSCs mainly notice the natural world, such as changes in the weather or the qualities of plants, or they seem to have an uncanny ability to communicate with animals. Some express subtle concepts, or the humorous and ironic. And some are mainly vigilant in new surroundings while others are mainly bothered by a change in the familiar. Still, in all cases, they are noticing more.
Your HSC is also thinking more than other kids about what she has noticed. Again, there is always variation. She may be pondering and asking you questions about social dilemmas—why you did what you did, why one kid teased another—or larger social issues. Another HSC might be trying to solve difficult math or logic puzzles, or worrying about “what would happen if,” or making up stories or imagining their cat’s thoughts. All kids do these things, but HSCs do them more.
The HSCs’ reflecting on “what’s come in,” particularly whatever they have seen or heard, may be quite conscious and obvious, as when they ask for more time to decide something. (You have probably noticed that trying to get an HSC to decide quickly is like trying to walk a male dog quickly past fire hydrants.) But often HSCs’ processing is entirely unconscious, as when they just intuitively sense what is going on with you. Indeed, intuition might be defined as knowing something without knowing how you know it, and sensitive people are generally highly intuitive.
The processing may be rapid, as when a child instantly knows “something’s up” or “you changed my sheets” when other children would not notice. Or it may be slow, as when HSCs think about something for hours, then announce some startling insight.
Finally, as a result of taking in more and processing it more completely, if the situation is creating an emotional response (and all situations do to some extent), your HSC is going to feel stronger emotions. Sometimes it’s intense love, awe, or joy. But because all children are dealing with new, stressful situations every day, HSCs will also have to feel fear, anger, and sadness, and feel these more intensely than other children.
Because of these strong feelings and deep thoughts, most HSCs are unusually empathic. So they suffer more when others suffer and become interested early in social justice. They are also brilliant interpreters of what is happening in anything or anyone that cannot speak—plants, animals, organs in bodies, babies, those not speaking the sensitive person’s language, and the very elderly when they suffer from dementia. They tend to have rich inner lives. And again, HSCs are conscientious for their age—they can imagine for themselves or understand when you say “what if everybody did that.” They also tend to seek the meaning of their lives very early.
Mind you, HSCs are not saints. In particular, with a few bad experiences, they are more likely than others to become shy, fearful, or depressed. But with a little gentle guidance, they are exceptionally creative, cooperative, and kind—except when overwhelmed. And whatever they are doing—or not doing—HSCs do stand out, even though they are not “problems” in the usual sense.
Long before I knew I was raising a highly sensitive child, I just knew my son was “different.” He was aware, incredibly creative, conscientious, cautious in new situations, easily hurt by his peers, not fond of “rough and tumble” play or sports, and emotionally intense. He was hard to raise in some ways, easy in others, and always stood out, even if only as the kid who was not joining in. So I developed the motto that I shared with you in the Introduction: If you want to have an exceptional child, you must be willing to have an exceptional child.
The Problem of Becoming Easily Overstimulated
Although I could sing the praises of HSCs for many pages, you are reading this book because you need help. Unfortunately, most people—and that includes parents—tend to notice mostly the down side of sensitivity. This is, again, because HSCs are easily bothered by things other children do not notice, and can become totally overwhelmed by a noisy, complex, constantly changing situation, like a classroom or a family reunion, especially if they are in that environment for too long. How could they not be bothered, when they sense so much in every situation? But given the fact that HSCs are in the minority, their reactions and solutions often seem odd to others. Hence all those hints from others, or perhaps suspicions in your own mind, that your child is abnormal.
What are some of the ways in which HSCs try to deal with overstimulation? No child will do all of these, but some will likely be familiar to you. Often HSCs complain a great deal—it’s too hot, too cold, the fabric is too itchy, the food is too spicy, the room smells too weird—things other children would not even notice. And they may choose to play alone, watch quietly from the sidelines, eat only familiar foods, or stay in one room or indoors or in a certain spot outside. They may refuse for a few minutes, hours, days, or even months to speak to adults, strangers, or in class. Or they may avoid “typical, fun kid activities” like summer camp, soccer, parties, or dating.
Some HSCs throw tantrums and have rages to avoid what irritates or overwhelms them or as a reaction to it. Others try to cause no trouble, to be perfectly obedient, hoping no one will notice them or expect more of them. Some stay glued to the computer or read all day, mastering a smaller world. Others will begin to overcompensate for what seems to them to be a flaw, by striving to be stars or perfect.
Some overstimulated HSCs bounce off the walls and seem to have attention deficit disorder, ADD (but their attention is fine when they are not overstimulated and have their priorities straight—more about that later). Or they have “meltdowns,” lying on the floor and screaming. Others become very still and quiet when overstimulated. Some develop stomachaches or headaches—their body’s reaction and also its solution if that means they can go and rest.
Finally, as we will see, some HSCs feel they have tried everything and finally give up. They become afraid and withdrawn and lose hope.
Children can exhibit any of these behaviors for other reasons, and all children can become overstimulated without being HSCs. But too often sensitivity is the last explanation adults think of when children rage, are depressed, bounce off the walls, have stomachaches, or become stressed-out overachievers. It is my hope that, with the publication of this book, people will no longer overlook that possibility. At the end of the chapter I will discuss how to distinguish an overaroused HSC from children who are not sensitive and children with more serious problems.
If There Are So Many HSCs, Why Haven’t I Heard of This Before?
Today, we know that about 50 percent of personality is caused by innate temperament differences such as high sensitivity. The other 50 percent is caused by experiences or the “environment.” But not so long ago psychologists believed that a person’s personality was completely determined by experiences, especially experiences within the family.
When psychologists did begin to study temperament, it was easy to describe the actions and feelings of active children as they were observed in the laboratory or at school, but harder to describe those who stood in the back of the room or were quiet. You might say that this difference of doing less was the easiest to observe—all cultures observe this difference in people—but the hardest to describe. So observers tended to assume that the quiet ones were shy, afraid, unsocial, or inhibited. In identifying the trait of high sensitivity, we have simply gained