CHAPTER II.
I felt dretful and how I wuz goin' to break it up and git his mind off I couldn't tell; I talked it over with the children. They wuz goin' to be mortified to death by the idee if carried out and they told me in confidence and the woodhouse kitchen, "It must be stopped!"
And I sez, "How is it goin' to be stopped? I've handled every weepon I know how to lay holt on. I've pompied him, cooked the very best of vittles, argued with him, eppisoded, but all to no use, he's as sot as a hen turkey on a brick bat, and I've got to the end of my chain."
Sez Tirzah Ann, "Have you tried readin' historical novels to him?"
"No," sez I, "I don't dast to be too hash with him, your pa's health hain't what it wuz, I dassent take too hash measures."
Sez she, "Have you tried readin' poetry?"
"Yes," sez I, "I have read Pollock's Course of Time most through to him, and the biggest heft of 'Paradise Lost,' and I read the last named with deep feelin', I can tell you."
"Didn't it do any good?"
"Not a mite," sez I. "He would choke me off in the soarinest passages to boast about some crazy side-show at his Exposition."
Tirzah Ann sithed and sez, "I don't know what can be done."
Thomas J. is more practical and sez, "Can't you git his mind on some work? Hain't there sunthin' that ort to be done round the farm? Or in the house?"
"Id'no," sez I. "He can't plow or reap in February or pick gooseberries or wash sheep. But I know what ort to be done in the house, I tried my best to git him at it in the fall, I do want a furnace and hot water pipes put in to heat the house. We most freeze these cold days, and it is too much for your pa when Ury is away to tend to the fires."
"That's just the thing!" sez Thomas J., "get him interested in that and he will forgit all about the Allen Exposition by the time it is done."
But I sez in a discouraged way, "If I couldn't git him at it in the fall
Id'no how I'm goin' to now."
"But it is worth tryin'," sez Thomas J., "for his scheme must be broke up, and if you git your furnace in now it will be all ready for another fall."
"Well," sez I, "I can try." And so I begun that very night on a new tact, or ruther the old tact in a new way, I told him how sot Thomas J. wuz on our havin' a furnace and hot water pipes put in.
Josiah thinks his eyes of his only son, and I see it kinder moved him, but he wouldn't give his consent, and sez:
"What do you want hot water pipes and a furnace for in the summer?"
Sez I pintin' to the snowy fields, "Do you call this summer, Josiah? And Thomas J. sez it will be so nice to have it all ready in the fall. And I do wish, Josiah, you would hear to me."
"Well, well, I am hearin' you, hain't I, and been hearin' for a year back, I hain't deef as an adder!" And he jammed his hat down over his ears and went to the barn. But there wuz a sort of a waverin' expression to his linement that made me have hopes.
Well, when I had, with the children's help and an enormous expenditure of good vittles and eloquence, brought him round to the idee, I found I had another trial worse than the first to contend with. Instead of hirin' a first rate workman who knew his bizness, he wuz bound, on account of cheapness, to hire a conceited creeter who thought he could do anything better than anyone else could.
He knew how to milk, Jabez Wind did, and how to clean stables, and plough and hoe corn. But he felt he could do plumbin' better than them who had handled plumbs for years. And when I see Josiah wuz sot on hirin' him to do the job I felt dretful, for he wuz no more fit for it than our brindle cow to do fine sewin', or our old steer to give music lessons on the banjo. He wuz a creeter I never liked, always tryin' to invent sunthin' and always failin. But Josiah insisted on havin' him because he wuz so much cheaper.
And I sez, "You'll sup sorrow yet, Josiah Allen, with your tendency to save and scrimp. Jabez Wind don't know nothin' about such work; he hain't got any shop or tools and I don't want him meddlin' round my house. We want the rooms warmed good and we don't want a big noise and racket, as I've hearn they make sometimes, I couldn't stand it with such noise and cracklin' goin' on day and night."
"Oh," sez Josiah, "that's one great beauty of Jabezeses invention, it is perfectly noiseless, not a murmur or gurgle from one year's end to the other, and so easy to tend. Jest twice a year, he sez, to put a pail of water in the upper tank, two pails of water a year to insure summer warmth, no dirt, no noise, not much like luggin' in wood from mornin' till night, breakin' your back cuttin' and splittin' it and litterin' up the house."
The idee of the perfect stillness did tempt me, I so love comfort and quiet, and also not havin' to sweep up after chips and kindlin' wood. But yet how did we know these things wuz so? And agin I sez, "How do you know he can do all this? He hain't got any tools."
Sez Josiah, "He's got idees if he hain't got tools. A man can borry tools, but he can't dicker for such idees as Jabez has got. See the things he's undertook."
Sez I, "Anybody can undertake things; his idees hain't made him rich or famous. That air ship of hisen he wuz goin' to sail to Europe on, rared up and spilt him in his uncle's back yard. And his automobile, when he sot off on it and headed it for the road it backed up and took him down that steep hill back of the barn into the creek, where it kep on ploughin' up dirt and slate stuns till his uncle stopped it by main force and lifted Jabez out from under it drippin' like a water rat. And his machine for perpetual motion, his ma uses it now for clothes bars," sez I. "What has he ever done to merit your encomiums?"
"Well," sez he, "he's bound to succeed this time. His idees are some like the hardware man's at Jonesville only Jabez'es are more deep and not nigh so expensive." I never liked Jabez Wind and shouldn't if I'd seen him settin' swingin' his legs off the very top of Fame's pillow. He wuz oncongenial to me, made so from the beginin'. I never knew any particular hurt of him, but he seemed so much like his own sir name, so puffed up and onsubstantial. He wuz middlin' well off to start with, or his ma wuz, but he had used up all her property in his different enterprises.
Now I dote on inventors, they wear a halo in my partial eyes. They're the greatest men of our day, and I mentally kneel at their feet, but gold always has counterfeits. The real inventor, made by the Deity to carry out his plans, is modest, silent, broodin' over his great secrets, away from the multitude where angels minister to him. But Jabez wuz loud, boastin', arrogant, his pert impudent face proclaimin' the great things he wuz goin' to do, but never did. He wuz in love, too, or what he called love, with a girl that wuz a prime favorite of mine, sweet little Rosamond Nickleson, she and I wuz such great friends she often used to come and stay a week at a time with me.
When Jabez Wind came to Jonesville, Rosy wuz about the same as engaged to a good sensible young farmer, Royal Nelson, who lived three milds above Jonesville on the old stage road. He wuz a stiddy, likely young man, who owned a nice farm well stocked, wuz good lookin', good appearin', but ruther bashful and retirin', which made him some times in company a little awkwud in his manners, and most offish where he wanted to please most. But he had a good mind, and his heart wuz pure gold, and he loved Rosy with the deep earnest love, such undemonstrative men often cherish for the one woman in the world for them. His calm gray eyes would light up with the pure light of deathless love when they rested on the sweet face of little Rosy. And he wuz always tryin' to help her in some way, lookin' out for her interest, he seemed to love to protect and wait on her in a way that argued well for the future, but mebby it wuz this constant and almost slavish devotion that made her slight him, she had got so used to his stiddy love that she didn't appreciate it as she'd ort to.
He had paid