President Lyndon Johnson developed his style of leadership as the oldest brother of three sisters and a brother. When given chores to do, he assigned them to his siblings. “He was a hard taskmaster with them.... If the younger children didn’t do the chores, they weren’t done, for Lyndon wouldn’t do them,” writes biographer Robert Caro.
Work situations often seem quite similar to family situations, but without the safety net of being bonded by blood and having at least the ideal of, if not actual, love between individuals. Since people who work outside the home spend half their waking hours in that setting, these work relationships can be a significant factor in determining life satisfaction.
Your boss may unknowingly fit emotionally into the role of one of your parents and your co-workers into the role of siblings, for good or for ill. You could have complementary relationships that make you a good working team or you could have non-complementary relationships that pit you against each other. You might react to these people, especially in times of stress, in the same way you reacted as a child to parents or siblings, without realizing where your inappropriate fear or anger comes from.
Gordon worked as a production manager for a large printing company. His boss wrote an article for the company newsletter announcing Gordon’s recent promotion. Gordon was furious about the article. He thought the article sounded as if it was about the boss’s abilities as a supervisor rather than about Gordon’s good work. When exploring this unexpected reaction later in therapy, Gordon was asked what his feelings reminded him of. He immediately recalled how he had often reacted the same way to his older brother. He had thought, as a child, that everything his brother did in relation to him was designed to put the brother in a better light and deflect Gordon’s credit to him. Even though his boss had praised him in the newsletter, Gordon’s old suspicions took over.
As a boss, the way you treat your employees may also reflect your experiences in your sibling position. An oldest brother of brothers who took charge of the younger boys in his family may be loath to give much responsibility to employees and may resent any questioning of his authority or attempts by others to get ahead. As the employee of this man, you may chafe more under his thumb if he resembles your own older brother and reminds you of your futile attempts to win your parents’ praise.
An oldest-brother boss who was a guide and mentor to his younger brothers may be eager to help a younger man get ahead. He may also think women have no place in management and subvert any attempt on the part of female employees to advance in their careers. The younger sister of a brother may be less inclined to fight against such a boss than an oldest sister who may either wonder what is wrong with her that she is not getting ahead or confront her boss with her lack of progress.
A male only child may expect to have the same attention, privileges, and advantages as an employee that he had as a child. The discovery that he is expected to fit into a different and less comfortable mold than he is accustomed to may come as a rude shock.
Knowing how birth order characteristics affect work relationships can help you be better prepared for what you might expect from yourself and others. You will probably find that you work best with or for some birth orders than others. You may also realize that you prefer people from certain birth orders as employees.
Gerard, an only child, had had a series of executive assistants who just didn’t live up to his expectations. They were capable women, but he kept being disappointed that they didn’t take on more responsibility for running his busy office and didn’t work hard enough. Then he hired someone who turned out to be highly capable and also eager to take on more responsibility and do much of his work for him, which he appreciated. He couldn’t figure out what had changed in his approach to hiring until he found out, after the fact, that all the previous assistants had been youngest sisters of brothers (as was his mother), who were charming and clever, but not the workhorses he needed. His current assistant was the oldest sister of brothers and sisters and very willing to run things and give the credit to Gerard.
Keep in mind, however, that it is probably illegal to discriminate in hiring on the basis of birth order, even though it’s not officially on the list of questions you’re prohibited from asking in job interviews!
3
Finding The Description of Your Sex And Birth Order Position
Till one can see the “family” in oneself, one can see neither oneself or any other family clearly.
R. D. Laing, Self and Others
The characteristics described in the following chapters of this book seem to be generally representative of average middle-class North Americans and Europeans of each sex in each of the birth order positions. Few people exhibit all the characteristics of their sex and birth order position, but most people will recognize at least some aspect of themselves in these descriptions. Where there is great variation from the expected characteristics, it is often because of other more powerful influences in the family that have interrupted in some way the usual patterns of development (see chapter 15 for more information about factors that create exceptions to the rule).
However, the descriptions should come close to reflecting your basic personality and approach to life. The one thing that is absolutely certain is that if you were born in a different order and of a different sex, you would have characteristics very different from those you now have.
a. Circumstances of Birth
All other things being equal, birth order traits develop on the basis of five circumstances of birth:
(a) The order of birth, whether first child, second child, last child, etc.
(b) The sex of the child
(c) The number of years between the births of siblings
(d) The sex of the siblings
(e) To a lesser degree, the birth order of the parents, particularly the same-sex parent
All the major birth order positions for each sex are described here. An almost infinite number of other variations exists, depending on the number of siblings, their sex, and their relative ages. However, all the sibling positions are some combination of those presented here. By doing some mixing and matching, you can figure out the description for your own particular birth order.
1. Order of birth
The major divisions discussed here are oldest, youngest, and middle children, only children, and twins. General descriptions are given first for each of these ordinal positions, and then each position is discussed according to sex.
The characteristics of middle children are the most difficult to pin down and require the most interpretation in reading the descriptions. For example, if you are a middle child, you should begin by reading the general chapter on middle children. Then, if you are the middle brother of brothers, you should read the description of the oldest brother of brothers plus the one for the youngest brother of brothers because you will share some characteristics with each of them.
The special characteristics of twins are described in the chapter on twins, but twins are also either oldests, youngests, or middle siblings in relation to the rest of the family so you should read whichever of those chapters is relevant as well.
2. Sex
Sex counts — not so much because of biology as because of sociology. Girls and boys are treated differently in our society by everyone from the delivery nurse to grade school teachers and employers. While oldest girls and boys have many things