You learn early how to be a social being. A newborn develops a relationship first with parents and then with siblings. The way the child learns to relate to these significant people sets the pattern for how the adult will relate to other significant people in life.
The overall tenor of the family sets the framework. A family with a basically optimistic or benign approach to life provides a different framework for the children than that of a family with a hostile or angry approach to life. The oldest child in an easygoing, fun-loving family is likely to be the most serious, responsible child in that family, but a much looser, happier person than an oldest child in a rigid, serious family. The youngest child in both those families is likely to be less responsible and more helpless, but the one from the happy family will be more playful and carefree, while the one from the serious family may be quiet or even depressed.
Within the family framework, too, children can create very different pictures for themselves as shown by Jeremy and Wylie in chapter 1. Birth order is one of the lenses through which children develop a view of themselves and the world, and create their story or identity.
a. Your Spouse
The term “spouse” here includes legal and common-law spouses and the partners in other live-in love relationships. Gay partners can extrapolate somewhat from the information, but keep in mind that the research in this area is extremely sparse. However, anecdotal evidence from gay couples in therapy indicates that the relationship patterns are similar to those of heterosexual couples.
Living with someone in an intimate relationship is the situation that most nearly duplicates the experience of growing up in a family. It is hardly surprising, then, that birth order characteristics usually become most evident and even accentuated in relating to a spouse. Jeremy’s way of relating emotionally to his wife was much the same way he related in his family, and he experienced his child as he had his younger brother.
Of course, many things affect the nature of your love relationships. The way your parents related to each other is your basic model for such relationships. The quality and tone is usually similar, though not necessarily the content. For example, you may argue about different things with your spouse, but your preferred style of arguing may be similar to the way your parents argued and your spouse’s style similar to his or her parents’ way. The differences or similarities between your cultural backgrounds, ages, educational levels, and values will also affect how well you can live with one another over the long term.
However, your relationship will also reflect the way people in your birth order positions usually get along. The combination of your birth order and your spouse’s birth order will have some effect on your relationship. Other things being equal, some matches work better than others simply because the birth orders are well matched. Being well matched in this case usually means most nearly duplicating the age and sex arrangement that you each were used to as children. You already know how to act and what to expect if your spouse has the same sibling position as your opposite-sex sibling. For example, the youngest sister of a brother is usually well matched with an oldest brother of a sister. Both are used to that particular relationship of sex and relative age, and “know how to act” with each other. In effect, the spouse takes the place of the sibling. Their positions are complementary. The better their family experience has been, the better the current relationship will feel and function.
Even those who didn’t “like” their sibling while growing up are still on familiar ground and may be more comfortable with this arrangement than with a spouse whose sibling position is the opposite. For instance, a woman who had an older brother who was always in charge, protective, and caring may expect her spouse to be like this. If her spouse is a younger brother, he may not meet this expectation. This could lead her to feel abandoned and unloved.
Complementary relationships can become difficult if one spouse wants to change. The younger sister married to an older brother may eventually want to be more independent and then start resenting her husband’s natural tendency to take charge of things or take care of her. He may resist her attempts to “grow up” in the same way he tried to keep his younger siblings from trying to usurp his position. But even in this case, the battleground may be familiar and earlier adaptations helpful in the new situation.
On the other hand, if you are in a situation that is quite different from what you were familiar with as a child, you will have more difficulty coping with it. A case in point might be the relationship of an oldest sister of sisters married to an oldest brother of brothers. They are both used to being the eldest and therefore the “authority,” and neither is used to family peers of the opposite sex. They are more likely than other matches to have conflict over both control and lack of understanding of the other sex.
Although the best match may often be the one that most closely duplicates the family of origin arrangement, it isn’t always the one that people seek. We are often attracted at first to people who have many things in common with us. Thus, two oldest children may be able to sympathize with each other and share their common frustrations and burdens. They may think they have found a kindred spirit. It’s only after living together for a while that they find their spirits may be kindred, but their personalities are in constant conflict over who is boss of the household.
Another thing that sometimes prevents people from choosing the mate who is likely to be most compatible is the conscious or unconscious effort to find someone totally different from a sibling. If there has been much conflict between siblings, a mate who bears no resemblance to the sibling may seem most desirable. What isn’t apparent is that even though there may have been conflict, the siblings have at least learned how to deal with that kind of conflict. They won’t have a clue about how to deal with conflict when it involves someone from a non-complementary birth position.
On the other hand, if you have felt especially close to a sibling, you may unconsciously have some fears about incestuous relationships and thus look for someone who is nothing like the favored sibling. Again, you may end up disappointed by the reality of living with someone whose birth position is in conflict with your own instead of similar to what you knew at home.
For most people, of course, it is too late to look for a spouse of complementary birth order. The choice has been made. If it is one of the theoretically “poorer” matches, it doesn’t mean there is no hope; it simply means you have to work harder to overcome that particular handicap. Being aware of this potential source of friction in a non-complementary relationship can make the problems more manageable.
It is useful to know that something as simple as birth order can account for major conflicts in a relationship and that neither person is to “blame.” It is just that the differences between you are more challenging than most to live with. Once you understand, for example, that an oldest brother of brothers and an oldest sister of sisters married to each other are bound to have conflicts over who is in charge, you can stop blaming each other and accept the fact that it is a difficult combination. You may, perhaps, even learn to laugh at your conflicts as you catch yourselves acting like a typical oldest sister of sisters or oldest brother of brothers.
b. Your Friends
Friendships are also affected by birth order. The friends you get along well with are likely to be in a complementary birth position. Non-complementary birth positions may partly explain any tension that exists in a friendship. Differences of opinion that may appear to be the result of rational thinking may simply reflect early family experiences.
Annette and Sue were neighbors, and they enjoyed each other’s company, shared the same interest in local politics, and had children the same age. However, they often had strong disagreements about a variety of issues, especially the subject of men in general and their own spouses in particular. Sue always defended the actions of men, made excuses for her husband’s poor treatment of her, and was critical of feminists. Annette thought Sue’s husband treated her intolerably and couldn’t understand why Sue put up with him. It was no surprise to learn that