Oldests often have trouble turning down requests and over-commit themselves rather than disappoint someone. Some oldests feel they have to do it all and meet the needs of work, family, community, and church. Many an oldest child is the pillar of a community and the cornerstone of a church or other volunteer organization. They can’t say no, and they can’t understand why others don’t have the same dedication that they do. They will take on responsibilities and do work that really belongs to someone else. They often resent how much they have to do and how little time they have for themselves, but they aren’t able to stop. If anything goes, it is usually their relationships, which get sacrificed to the higher goal of achievement and success.
This tendency to over-commit may arise from their concern to take care of others. Some oldests are so concerned about being nurturing and pleasing others that they seem to be compliant. They allow themselves to be overworked in the same way they were overparented and are often pushed to their limits. They feel responsible for everything and think that if they don’t take care of it, it will fall apart.
Alternatively, they may be seeking recognition through trying to accomplish more than others do. They can be so goal-oriented and driven to succeed that they sacrifice themselves, their family, and their employees in order to be the best, the biggest, the richest, or even the most giving and sacrificial.
They don’t easily ask for help. They have trouble trusting in the ability of others, and even if they are able to delegate work, they aren’t able to delegate their anxiety about the work being done right. After all, their younger siblings could never do anything as well as they could.
Pierre was the oldest of six brothers and sisters and he was strongly encouraged by his father, also an oldest, to become like him — a demanding, directive, take-charge person. Pierre’s mother was often unable to function as a parent due to her serious depression. She was frequently hospitalized and absent from the family for long periods. Pierre was often the person who ran the household during these times. He became caring and helpful as well as a take-charge decision maker who organized his younger siblings to do the household chores. The more pressure he felt due to his mother’s absence and his father’s demands, the more organized and directive he became.
Later, he married a younger sister of a brother, who at first enjoyed Pierre’s leadership qualities. She felt safe and well taken care of by him as she had with her brother whom she admired. Over the years, however, she began to have bouts of depression and lethargy, during which Pierre ran the household. She started thinking that her identity was being eroded by Pierre’s take-charge way of organizing their lives. She did not know much about his childhood and simply began to think he was a born dictator.
During a number of therapy sessions, Pierre began to be aware of the anxiety that lay behind his impulse to take over a situation and start giving orders. His entire self-image was at stake. He feared that if he did not fulfill his prescribed role of leader when things got tough, he would not be accepted and the whole family would fall apart. He found his wife’s reactions quite puzzling at first because he genuinely believed he was just being loving.
It helped his wife to hear that Pierre’s anxiety about being accepted was what lay behind his behavior. She learned to see his actions in a different light. Although he felt tremendously vulnerable, Pierre eventually learned not to go into automatic take-charge mode when things got rough. He learned to feel more comfortable with his vulnerability and to appreciate his wife’s abilities and her input into joint decision making.
Even at play many oldest children work hard and are high achievers. It’s not enough to jog, they have to run — and win — a marathon. It’s not enough to have a friendly game of tennis, they have to attack the ball and demolish the opponent.
They are more likely than others in their family to experience jealousy and express anger. Unless their parents have been abusive physically, oldests most often express their anger verbally, which is quite effective since they tend to have high verbal skills. If they have experienced intense jealousy over the youngest, these feelings may be transferred to other scapegoats in the future — minorities or “welfare bums” — whom the oldest perceives as “getting away with things” and getting ahead “without doing a day’s work,” just like a younger sibling.
b. As A Spouse
Many oldest children have unhappy marriages. Spouses often find them impatient and demanding. Oldests who only have same-sex siblings have a particularly difficult time because they have no experience of living intimately with the opposite sex.
Oldests usually do better when married to someone who was a youngest or middle sibling and may do quite well if they both had opposite sex siblings. They tend to believe in the importance of marriage and want to stay married no matter what. If the marriage ends, they are prone to strong feelings of failure and guilt.
When married to a typical youngest, oldests often see their spouse as less competent and take over doing everything, but then come to resent having to do everything. Oldests often don’t feel loved by their spouses and in their anxiety compensate by dominating the household and trying to be more in charge. They do more of what they are good at, thinking this will bring the love they want.
c. As A Parent
Oldests usually want to have children and are responsible parents. They may be very nurturing and loving or overprotective and strict, sometimes harsh, in their childrearing. They often appear to their children as cold and distant people, whereas inside they crave the respect of their children.
They are more likely than others to demand adult behavior in their children. Since they try hard to be a perfect parent, they often pressure children to walk, talk, read, etc., before they’re ready.
The oldest children of small families are usually happier parenting than the oldests of large families who may have been overburdened and burned out in childhood by caring for many younger siblings.
d. As A Friend
Partly because they use their power to get their own way and partly because they tend to be undemonstrative and serious, oldest children find it difficult to make friends. They usually have just one close friend. They tend to be sensitive to personal slights. Though anxious to please those in authority, oldests are often less popular generally than those in other birth orders.
Although they appear to be independent, they need the approval of others and without it have a low self-esteem. Researcher Margarete Lautis found in her work with oldests that they were “adult-orientated...serious, sensitive...conscientious.” They may be “shy, even fearful or self-reliant, independent and undemonstrative.” Their difficulty with revealing their weaknesses inhibits the development of close, intimate friendships. They tend to “keep up appearances” even with close friends because they don’t want to lose the admiration of anyone.
Oldests have had the experience of always being the leader of the other children in the family and are used to being the best at everything and having the most power with siblings. Therefore, they are used to being able to say, even demand, what they want and will more often be confrontational than manipulative. Just as they ended up being loyal to their parents, they will be loyal to other people in their life and expect loyalty from others. Often, the merely independent actions of others seem like a betrayal to oldest children who may have been surprised and hurt by the rebellion of their younger siblings.
e. At Work
Oldest children tend to choose careers that