Relationship skill
Decide what really matters
If you think it and feel it, it is your right and responsibility to share it. This doesn’t mean that every thought or emotion is relevant and important. Sharing every thought and feeling would be an exhausting mistake. Instead, filter through your thoughts and share the ones that really matter to you and the life of your relationship. A simple rule here is the sleep test. If you take a thought or feeling to bed and it holds the same intensity when you wake up the next day, it is asking to be shared. If keeping a thought or emotion to yourself will prevent growth in your relationship or cause tension, it needs to be shared.
If a conversation topic is important to you but not to your partner, it is relevant and important to your relationship. What matters to one of you may not matter to the other, but if you are in a relationship in which both of your experiences matter, you need to embrace them. Never fight about whether a topic is ‘big’ or ‘small’ – what is small for you may be big for your partner and, consequently, deserving of attention.
What matters to one partner should always matter to the relationship.
If you are scared to speak your mind because you expect a fight or an argument to result, or if you don’t feel safe enough to do so, you need to start with the next skill: the skill of coming to an agreement about how, when and where to speak, or not speaking until you are ready.
Questions to ask yourself
•What is on my mind that is really important to my relationship and to me?
•Which point or issue needs more understanding in our relationship?
•Where do I feel really misunderstood or not seen in my relationship?
•Which point or issue would I like my partner to understand better?
Relationship skill
Introduce your need to speak
Sensitive topics need a well-chosen time and place for discussion and, often, a sensitive introduction. If you know that what you are going to say may upset your partner, no matter how gently you say it, introduce the conversation before you bring the topic up. When you introduce your need to speak about a sensitive topic, you prepare your relationship for a sensitive and possibly difficult conversation. Doing so gives everyone some time to prepare and connect with the seriousness of what might come. Your short introduction could sound like this: ‘I would like to speak to you about … [name your topic]. I know this is difficult for you, but I think it’s important that we speak about it. ’ You could also prepare for the conversation by sharing your intentions or why you would like to share this sensitive point. Although you cannot control the outcome of the conversation, you can speak about how you would like the conversation to go.
Questions to ask yourself
Asking yourself the following questions could help you during this process:
•Which topics are sensitive in my relationship?
•Why are they sensitive topics?
•How can I be more considerate about how I speak about my relationship’s most sensitive topics?
•How can I introduce a topic that is sensitive to my relationship?
Relationship skill
Take turns to speak
When you share your upsets, you have to accept that you will need to take turns to speak about what is really in your hearts and on your minds, without interrupting each other or fighting. This is not an invitation to fight – it is an invitation to speak, to exchange your inner dialogues.
The best thing you can do for your relationship is to try, always, to have the best conversation you can have.
This conversation may not be a perfect conversation. Conversations are not meant to be perfect – they are meant to show interest in, and understanding of, each other’s real thoughts and feelings. One of the best ways to have them is to give each other a turn to speak, respectfully.
A good conversation is not always a dialogue. A monologue – a conversation in which one person does most of the talking and the other listens and acknowledges – can be a very powerful process. If you struggle to listen without interrupting and fighting, try to take turns to do most of the talking. Try your best to listen and understand when it is not your turn to talk.
Questions to ask about your relationship
•Who wants to take the first turn to speak?
•How can we decide whose turn it is to speak?
•What can we do if we feel we might lose track of our thoughts while the other person is speaking?
•What can we do when we keep interrupting each other?
Relationship skill
Show real interest
Your focus in a conversation is, firstly, to show interest in your partner’s real experience and, secondly, to understand what he or she is saying to you. Your focus should never be on being right or on fixing things or finding solutions, because real interest and understanding are the solutions.
The experience of a solution comes when you both feel seen, acknowledged and understood. That moment is a relief for most – the moment in which you see that your partner is really trying to understand you and is showing a real interest in what you are saying. Being seen is beautiful and it makes us feel deeply loved.
A willingness to try to understand each other’s experiences of life is an act of love.
You show your interest in understanding, and your willingness to understand, by switching off your television or phone, giving your relationship your undivided attention and looking each other in the eye when you speak. Trying your best to show real interest and understanding in what is being shared is the best conversation you can have. Doing so will bring you closer and make you feel more connected to each other.
Questions to ask about your relationship
•Which of our behaviours during a conversation make us feel unacknowledged and unheard?
•Which of our behaviours during a conversation speak of real interest?
•Which promise can we make to our relationship in terms of how we will show real interest in the future?
Relationship skill
Speak only for yourself
Speaking your mind means sharing your ideas, thoughts and feelings, not your partner’s. Be careful of telling your partner what he or she is feeling or thinking, as you are not the carrier of his or her heart or mind.
The best way to try, always, to speak for yourself is to start your sentences with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’. So, instead of saying, ‘You don’t know what you are doing … you always say this to me,’ consider speaking for yourself by saying, ‘I need you to look at how you speak to me. I would really love it if you … ’ When you speak for yourself, you stay in your lane.
Being spoken for is, for most people, deeply upsetting and often the start of a fight that goes nowhere. When you speak for another person, you could be assuming that you know best, or that you are always right. Of course, you are never right for both of you – you are only right for yourself, as your partner is only right for himself or herself. So, to put it simply, you are both always right.
Whereas you have the right to your own observations about each other and your relationship, it is irresponsible and disrespectful to speak for another. Claim what is yours and speak for yourself – you know yourself best. I am often reminded that you, having lived