But, as humans, we are not general – we are specific. We are kind and, sometimes, not so kind. Be careful not to take one or two experiences in a specific area and generalise them. Trust is never broken in totality – it is broken only in a specific area. For example, I might not trust you with money, but I trust you with our children. Be specific about the behaviours you do not want and would like to change.
In an argument or conversation, your general perceptions of each other may stand in the way of hearing each other and having a calm and understanding conversation. Statements like, ‘You always do this …’ and, ‘You never do that …’ are signs that you are seeing your partner in general terms. Even if there is some truth to your perception, see if there is another side to your partner by checking your general perceptions.
Questions to ask yourself
•Which general beliefs do I have about my partner?
•Which of my beliefs about my partner are standing in the way of really seeing him or her?
•What is the truth about who he or she really is?
•What are my beliefs doing to our interactions?
•How can I correct my perceptions and avoid speaking in general terms?
Step 7: Create a respectful space for talking
Just as a bird builds a nest to hold a delicate egg, it is a good idea to build a nest for conversation into which you can put your sensitive topics. To build a nest is to create a context for speaking, a beautiful space that invites you to have a good conversation.
For starters, it is never a good idea to have a conversation while standing. Standing and talking does not show serious intent. Rather, it shows that you are on your way somewhere. To give your conversation the respect it deserves, it is best to sit down when you have it.
A couch or a table is a good place to start a conversation.
Sit on your couch or at your table, and start speaking. As simple as it might sound, it is not easy – we often feel upset or hurt in that moment. Remember that every time you are upset or hurt, or you disagree, it is an invitation to talk. By asking your partner to sit with you and talk, you indicate the seriousness and respect you intend to give your relationship.
Respect each other and your relationship by switching off or removing all electronic devices. No couple has ever managed to speak successfully in front of a television or computer screen.
Often, when you switch on an electronic device, you switch off your relationship. The intention is to switch on to each other and your relationship. It’s also not good for your relationship to bring electronic devices such as televisions, phones and tablets into your bedroom. Intimacy and screens don’t live well in the same space; screens should be banned from your bedroom.
AN EXERCISE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP
•Name the place where you would like to have a conversation with each other.
•Tell each other why you prefer to have your conversation in this place. And promise your partner to invite them into this space when you have indicated that you would like to speak.
Once you have indicated that you want to speak, and have created a safe and comfortable place to do so, start talking. You are now ready to speak your minds.
Chapter 2
speak your truth (honestly and gently)
Speaking your truths – that is, sharing your thoughts and feelings – is one of the best gifts that you can give your relationship.
A real conversation is a process in which two people share their thoughts and feelings honestly and gently and start feeling closer to each other. The best conversation you can have will move you from disconnection to connection, from tension to closeness.
One of the best ways of feeling a warm closeness is to speak from your mind and from your heart. That feeling of distance and disconnection is about all the things you do not say and this causes the tension in your relationship. Disconnection caused by not sharing honestly feels like tension in any relationship. The tension caused by disconnection is life’s constant reminder to become honest. The quickest way to relieve yourselves of this unpleasant tension and distance is to share your truths. That feeling of disconnection is your invitation to share what is on your mind.
What you do not say to yourself and the people around you causes the distance and disconnection you feel.
All your thoughts and feelings that matter to you and that you are not expressing cause the tension and distance you feel in your relationship. Your unspoken words sit between the two of you like a rock on a narrow road. You cannot see each other, because there is so much in the way. When you start speaking about that rock, you start clearing your path to connection and closeness.
When you speak your truth, you free yourself of that heavy burden of having kept your emotions and thoughts to yourself for so long. It changes the experience of your relationship. As we are made for honest connection, we have an obligation to share what is on our minds and in our hearts. Even if hearing the truth is painful, at times, honesty has a powerful liberating effect. With the pain or hurt of truth comes relief, and movement towards a stronger connection. Real relationships are always honest relationships.
One of the main aims of any relationship is to speak your mind – to share your truths gently. Happy couples share their minds and hearts gently and honestly, and very regularly.
The best way to speak your mind is with honesty, kindness and gentleness.
Speaking the truth about yourself, your relationships and your life is not easy, yet we have no choice but to share our minds and hearts. The moment you have the courage to speak from your heart, you start moving from disconnection to connection.
It is not supposed to be easy: it is supposed to be honest.
You do not have to like what you hear. The conversation just needs to be honest, patient and very real. It is not easy to hear that you have upset or hurt or angered or disappointed your partner. Who likes to hear that? Honesty can bring you closer, but can also upset your relationship. But the upset that comes with honesty is never a problem, as it is part of the process of getting closer to each other. You need to expect, and learn to deal with, the upsets that come with honesty. This is one of the most important skills in any relationship: being honest, and dealing with the consequences of being honest.
THE BENEFITS OF HONESTY IN RELATIONSHIPS
Connection and closeness are two of the many benefits of sharing your truths.
When you feel distant or disconnected in your relationship, it often means that you are not getting what you need and are keeping quiet about it. If you speak you mind, you might get what you need and expect. If you don’t say it, you don’t get it, and you may remain full of unmet expectations. It is not your partner who is hurting or upsetting you – it is your own unexpressed expectations. Expectations are unexpressed, silent needs. When you talk honestly about what you expect, your expectations become needs. From that moment of truth – when you become truly honest about what you need – you will start feeling better, as you give each other a chance to participate in meeting each other’s needs. A need that is not shared openly is a missed opportunity for happiness and connection.
When you share honestly, you move your relationship from