It is more important to know than not to know.
Another benefit of honesty is growth and movement. Relationships can only survive and grow with honesty. How often you share your mind and heart honestly determines the life of your relationship. If you don’t speak the truth in your relationships, you will never get anywhere. You will always stay stuck in the same place.
If you are not interested in movement and growth, you are not interested in the future of your relationships. We all know that as you move through life, you change – that growth is inevitable. That your relationship will change as your life does is a fact of life.
Movement is love.
If you take the time to share your innermost thoughts with someone you love or want to love, and that person does not want to hear them, then he or she is not really interested in you. You need to ask yourself why. If happy relationships are all about sharing our minds and hearts, and if the person with who you are sharing is unable or unwilling to hear you, you need to ask, ‘Why would a person who loves me or shows interest in me not be willing to listen to my mind and heart? Are we not in the kind of relationship in which honest sharing is allowed?’
The truth about relationships is that if you love each other, you will grow with each other through sharing. A relationship that does not move over time will not survive.
You have the right to share. You have the right to your feelings and thoughts.
If you are in a real relationship, you have the right to share what you think and feel. And if you want to be in a happy, honest relationship, you need to be willing to listen to what is being shared. If you are not interested in this process of sharing, you are neither interested in nor ready for a real relationship. What is the point of having a relationship that does not welcome sharing?
Your inner thoughts and feelings are always relevant to your relationships as they are a part of you – part of your identity. Therefore, they need not only to be heard, but embraced. It is a privilege to share the most private thoughts of the people around you; you need to show your respect in exactly the same way, as you would expect it to be shown in return.
When couples share their inner thoughts and feelings in therapy and one partner constantly interrupts the other or starts fighting, I ask:
•Are you not interested in your partner’s thoughts and feelings?
•Is it not okay for you to listen to what you partner has to say?
•Do you not want to hear what you partner is really thinking and feeling?
•Would you not also like to be heard and understood?
In relationships, we feel and experience life in different ways. This is at the core of any relationship. We all carry different truths. Your main focus is to honour, embrace and see each other’s different experiences. When you do, you truly see each other for who you are.
Relationships that do not consider what you think and feel – in which your experience is not important, and in which you don’t try to ‘see’ each other – will make you unhappy. The reason is simple.
It is hurtful not to be seen.
So, when you share your thoughts and feelings, remind yourself that your main focus is to see and be seen. This is an experience of true love.
When we feel seen, we feel loved.
If you know what upsets you and what you need from your relationship, but have difficulty expressing it in a way that makes you feel understood and seen, you need to learn some relationship skills. These skills are important in all relationships, and anyone can learn them.
RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
If you struggle to share honestly and gently, the following relationship skills may guide you during your most honest and difficult conversations:
Relationship skill
Share your upsets
When we don’t feel seen and acknowledged by the people we love, we get upset or feel hurt. Being upset and, at times, hurting each other is part of being in a relationship. Having good intentions, and loving and caring for each other deeply, do not mean that you will never hurt each other. Being upset is an important – and inevitable – part of being in a relationship.
Being upset means life is giving you direction.
When times are difficult and upsetting, I find that life is guiding you and your relationship. Your relationship is speaking to you if you are upset or hurt. It is telling you that you have to make time to share your inner thoughts and feelings. Being upset is your invitation to share your moment of truth. Every upset that you sweep under the carpet and ignore is a missed opportunity for connection.
The golden rule is that if you have a thought or feeling that bothers or upsets you, and you sleep on it and wake up the next day still feeling the same, it is relevant to your relationship. You need to discuss it. Every upset not discussed is a missed opportunity for connection. Be honest about what you think and feel, and share it gently.
The sooner you share your upsets, the better for your relationship.
The moment you feel upset, you need to remind yourself that a conversation might follow. The longer you keep your upsets to yourself, the more damaging it is for your relationship. This is called your ‘turnaround time’, and it is a skill. The time between feeling upset and sharing your upset will determine the experience of your relationship. Most couples I meet stay upset for days, months and even years. But the truth is that every day spent with upsetting thoughts and feelings is a wasted one.
Even if your partner caused you to be upset, you are responsible for sharing your feelings with him or her. Your upsets are always your responsibility. You have a responsibility to the life of your relationship by sharing your upsets. Not speaking your truth inevitably creates a crisis, which will force its way to the surface like a ball that pops back up when you push it under the water. So, the next time you are upset, remind yourself to share it honestly and gently – as soon as possible.
Questions to ask yourself
The following questions might guide you in the process of sharing your upsets:
•What really upsets me in my relationship?
•What is important to me in my relationship at this point in my life?
•What needs to be shared or spoken about that I am keeping to myself? What is really going on inside me that I am not saying?
•What do I need or expect from my partner that I am not sharing?
•When I feel upset, how, when and where can I share my thoughts and feelings?
If you struggle to answer these questions, no longer know what is true for you, or feel so lost that you no longer have a sense of who you are, you should start the process of checking in with yourself. Looking closely at yourself is about seeing yourself and your relationship. When you are lost, it is good to write down your inner thoughts and feelings – writing is a good way of seeing. In time, you will experience what is really on your mind. Once you connect with what is true for you, you will never forget it. Once you have seen yourself and your relationship, you cannot pretend that you haven’t. You cannot change what