CHAPTER FIVE
There was something which struck me in that conversation with Mr. Curry not altogether conciliatory; and after pondering over it for some time, I came to a conclusion that presently Mr. Probe would come to me with a new offer. I thereupon resolved to bide in the coffee-house all day, that I might not be wanting in the needful season. The day, no doubt, was no temptation, inasmuch as it was rainy, and the streets in a very slobbery condition, and I had no particular business to call me abroad. Accordingly, it fell out just as I expected. About the heel of the evening, the waiter came to see what I would have for dinner, and said to me, in a kind of parenthesis, as I was looking over the bill of fare, that he supposed I should not want the private room that evening.
‘My lad,’ quo’ I, ‘that’s very correct of you, for I had forgot that maybe the same gentleman who was with me yesterday may call again; I therefore think it will be just as commodious to have my dinner laid in the parlour as in this, the coffee-room; so you’ll just attend to that.’
‘Very well,’ said he, and did as I desired; and well it was for me that he had been so considerate, for, before the dinner was ready, who should come in but Mr. Probe; and after various hithers and yons, I invited him to dine with me, the night being very wet; to the which, after some entreaty, he was consenting, and thereupon we went up into the private room, and had a couple of candles and our dinner duly served.
For some time, and especially while we were eating, I thought that it was judicious to say nothing to him concerning the manor of Humbug; but when we were satisfied, the cloth withdrawn, and Carbonell again upon the table, we opened the debate.
‘Mr. Probe,’ said I, ‘since I had the felicity of conversing with you concerning that weak plan of my friend’s about going into Parliament, – for weak I say it is, as I see no whereby he can make profit of his outlay, – I have thought I cannot better do a friend’s part than advise him to have nothing to do with such an inconvenience.’
‘My good Mr. Jobbry,’ said he, ‘no one can dispute your prudence in that matter; for no man in his senses, I mean in his sober senses, would ever think of spending his nights in hearing young men, of a very moderate capacity, talking by the hour; but that is not our present purpose: my business is, as they say in the House, to report progress; and what I have to mention is, that I have seen my client and communicated your offer.’
‘My offer, Mr. Probe? what do you mean? surely you could never consider our few preliminary words as a serious overture?’
‘Mr. Jobbry,’ replied the ruddy little man, ‘did not you tell me that you would give a thousand pounds per session for I’ll not say what?’
‘Most certainly I did, Mr. Probe; most certainly I gave it as my opinion that a thousand pounds was quite enough; but there is a wide difference between giving an opinion on the value of a thing, and buying that thing. Now, I was clearly made up in my mind that a thousand pounds was the full value of your client’s sitting part; but the worth to my friend was another question.’
‘Mr. Jobbry, I considered we had done some business together; you made an offer – I reported that offer – and you have your answer.’
‘Very right, Mr. Probe, you speak like a man of business; I like to deal with off-hand people – there is nothing like frankness; but if you thought that I made a definitive offer, you were never more mistaken in your life.’
‘You don’t say so? – this is very awkward.’
‘Oh, not at all, not at all; we were only talking upon the general question; and I think, Mr. Probe, considering it as an opening conversation, we advanced pretty well to the point: but you must know, sir, that I could not bind my principal without his own consent.’
At these words, I observed Mr. Probe looking at me with a kind of left-handed peering, which left no doubt in my mind that Mr. Curry had reported progress too, and asked leave to sit again; but I was on my guard.
‘I shall not controvert that, Mr. Jobbry,’ said Mr. Probe, ‘but the mistake has been committed, certainly.’
‘If you think so, Mr. Probe, I shall very much regret it on your account; but with me, in my usual way, all was plain sailing, – and if you will ask our mutual friend, Mr. Curry, who was here with me in the morning, he will tell you that I told him five hundred guineas was the full and adequate price of the article.’
‘This is surprising! To what purpose did we speak, if you did not authorise me to offer a thousand pounds?’
‘Mr. Probe, I am a greenhorn, and not versed in the diplomaticals; but it was not reasonable to come upon me in that way, without even knowing the name of the borough, and who were to be my constituents. That simple fact, Mr. Probe, shews you have been greatly mistaken in supposing my words of course contained a specific offer.’
‘Well, let that pass; all I had to say was, that my client was not indisposed to listen to your offer.’
‘Now, Mr. Probe,’ said I, ‘don’t your own words confirm what I was saying? If I had made an offer, would not your client have given an answer either in the affirmative or in the negative? And yet you say that he was only not indisposed to listen to my proposal.’
‘Well, well,’ said Mr Probe, ‘you attach a little more importance to the accidental word “indisposed” than I intended; and therefore you will excuse me if I request you to say in few words what you will give, that there may be no mistake this time.’
‘My principal,’ said I, ‘is a prudent man.’
‘So I perceive,’ said Mr. Probe.
And I added that, ‘I had told Mr. Curry I thought, and did think, five hundred guineas a liberal price.’
‘I shall report that,’ said Mr. Probe; ‘but it is too little.’
‘Then, if you think so, let the business end. I am very indifferent about the subject; and, besides, I have good reason to think that, under particular circumstances, seats can be had cheaper, Mr. Probe.’
‘My object, Mr. Jobbry, in being with you is to do business: it is nothing to me what you know or what you offer; I am but an agent.’
‘I see that,’ replied I; ‘you are the go-between.’
‘Well, well, that office must be done by somebody; let us make a minute of agreement for seven hundred pounds.’
‘No, no; five hundred guineas is the ultimate.’
‘You are a strange gentleman,’ said he. ‘Make it six hundred guineas, to end the matter.’
‘No,’ said I; ‘no guineas above the five hundred: but I’ll make it pounds, which you will agree is very extravagant.’
Thus, from less to more, we came to an agreement, and signed mutual missives to that effect; and a pawkie laugh we had together, as well as a fresh bottle of Carbonell’s, when it came out that Mr. Curry was ‘my client’, as I had jaloused; and that I was to succeed him as the honourable member for Frailtown, when he had taken the Chiltern Hundreds.
CHAPTER SIX
Having thus explained my popular election for the well-known ancient borough of Frailtown, as the member for which I made my appearance among the knights and burgesses in Parliament assembled, I will now proceed to relate what next came to pass.
It will be seen that I took my seat in the middle of the session, which many of my Indian friends thought was a souple trick, because the event at the time made no noise; whereas, if I had waited for the general election, that ill-tongued tinkler, the daily press, would have been pouking at my tail maybe, as I was going in, duly elected, among the rest of the clanjamfrey.
No