Thomas à Kempis
Think of a handful of sand—the harder I try to hold on to it, and the more I squeeze, the faster the grains run through my fingers. Trying to exert control over people and events in my life is like trying to hold onto a handful of sand; the more I squeeze, the less I end up with.
I have control over what I say and do; pretty much everything else in the world is out of my control. I may influence people with words and actions, but I don’t have control over them.
I can make plans, but I can’t control the results. I do “the footwork” and leave the results up to my higher power. The knowledge that I am not in control is actually a great relief. When I stop believing I control the outcomes of my efforts, and just try to do the next right thing, my emotional state becomes more relaxed. Knowing I’m responsible only for my actions, and not for the results of my actions, is a source of emotional balance in my recovery.
It is important to be loving and good to myself by taking an honest look at what I have control over and surrendering what I don’t.
LACK OF TRUST
SPIRITUAL BALANCE
“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough.”
Frank Crane
Trust is an experience. It may be the experience of sharing intimate details of my life with another. It may be the experience of keeping another’s confidence after they have shared with me.
Trust is built by taking right actions, repeatedly, sometimes even when I don’t quite see how doing so will help me with either my pain or my addiction. However, I see others in recovery taking these same actions and recovering; so I trust that these actions will work for me.
When I lack trust, taking right action seems almost impossible. I ask my higher power to help me trust that I can recover, that I can walk through my pain without abusing medications. I replace lack of trust with trust, by taking right actions and experiencing the results.
I understand trust is more than a feeling; it is the action I take of opening up and sharing with another person, listening to and following another’s suggestion, and continuing to stay in the pain recovery process.
CONCERN
RELATIONSHIPS
“The ability to give back is a gift that recovery provides. When you get out of yourself, it helps you to see your problems in the proper perspective and context.”
Pain Recovery: How to Find Balance and Reduce Suffering from Chronic Pain
Am I making a habit of demonstrating concern or caring for others when I am at a recovery group meeting, or am I always making everything about me? Am I sharing to talk about my own pain to get attention, or to help others find a solution?
I can start showing concern for others from the very beginning of my recovery. If I’m not picking up the telephone because I don’t want to talk to anyone, why don’t I make it a habit to pick up the phone to listen? Soon, I can make it a habit to call others to see how they are doing. I ask others how they are progressing in their pain recovery program. At first I may do this to create an opening so I can talk about myself. But soon, I find myself genuinely showing others the concern that I want people to show for me. I listen, not providing advice or direction, but just to lend an ear that others can talk to. I know the isolation that comes from chronic pain and active addiction. I know the loneliness of early recovery. I can show concern for others on that same path by extending myself to others who are in the process of recovery as well.
I make a habit of demonstrating concern for the welfare of others. Part of my daily routine is to get out of myself and show, by my actions, I care for another who is recovering from chronic pain and addiction.
PATIENCE
PHYSICAL BALANCE
“Patience is the companion of wisdom.”
St. Augustine
When I’m in pain, I want it to stop. Right now. Pain medications might give me that immediate relief I crave; however, the damage they may do to my recovery means they are no longer an option for me. I have to use the tools of pain recovery today in order to take care of my disease of addiction as well as my pain. And that takes a lot of patience.
Because today I seek relief in the principles embodied in the Twelve Steps rather than in pain medication, I must be patient. I’ve learned that twelve-step recovery works if I work it; however, it is not as quick as a pill. If I expect immediate results from my efforts to reduce or eliminate my pain, my expectations may lead to frustration and disappointment, because practicing twelve-step principles, though ultimately effective, takes longer than pain medications. This is why patience is so important.
Impatient expectations only cause my pain to get worse. My worsening pain then tests my patience. The vicious cycle of pain and impatience spins to increase physical and emotional suffering. When I am able to muster even the smallest amount of acceptance and display the least bit of patience, I soon discover that my pain lessens.
I use the tools available to learn patience and reduce my stress and pain. I learn from others in the program how to develop necessary coping skills. Patience brings progress. As long as I take a step in the right direction and do it slowly, patience finds me.
GRATITUDE
MENTAL BALANCE
“Now that I’m in recovery I don’t fantasize about dying or dread the thought of living. I wake up each day grateful for another twenty-four hours clean and look forward toward the unfolding day with anticipation.”
Tails of Recovery: Addicts and the Pets That Love Them
Waking up each day with gratitude does not mean that I don’t wake some mornings with some anxiety or a little stress about the day ahead. What it means to wake up with gratitude for me is that I take the time to remember what I’m glad to have in my life— recovery, family, friends, a program. How different from when I was in active addiction, before I entered recovery. Then, I would wake up and think of all the difficult things that lay ahead of me: this doctor appointment, that lab test, my pain and how I’m going to suffer through the day.
Today, I bring to mind the good things in my life, and I get to the other stuff later. First-things-first today means focusing on the gratitude in my life. That attitude carries me through my day, regardless of how I’m feeling or what kind of day is ahead of me.
Gratitude is a state of mind more than anything else. I keep gratitude in my mind and think of things that I am grateful for, whether I am feeling grateful or not; I still know I have much to be grateful for.
ALL FEELINGS ARE TEMPORARY
EMOTIONAL BALANCE
“Sometimes I think I shouldn’t feel the way I do. When I start thinking this way I tell myself