Concern today is something I show others—concern, consideration, and caring. I have tools and a support group, and if I utilize them, I no longer need to be concerned about my own serenity. That will come. It may come slowly, but if I work my program, it will come.
THINKING OF JOY
MENTAL BALANCE
“As he slowed down and breathed, joy replaced anger and anxiety; he relaxed and his pain diminished.” A Day without Pain
Joy comes from being in balance. I go about my routines, focus on exercise, reading, studying, and doing step work, or work out of Pain Recovery. But when I focus my mind on things other than quietly sitting, meditating, praying, or breathing, a couple of days go by and I’m feeling restless. I’m not in touch with the joy that is already inside me. It takes time, dedication, and focus of the mind to listen to and feel that joy. If I’m not feeling it, that’s not because it’s not there.
Joy is like my higher power—always there and waiting for me to be open to that power. Joy is sitting patiently and waiting for me to bring my thoughts to bear on it. There is joy for life, joy for living without drugs, joy for my family and friends, even joy for my pain. But when I’m not balanced mentally, I cannot feel the joy that is in my heart. All other kinds of excitement, happiness, and freedom with outside things and accomplishments are temporary. Joy is permanent and never leaves me. It runs deep—as deep as I’m willing to go to find it.
I honor and acknowledge the joy I feel, even when I’m not feeling it strongly. I take the time to make sure that my mind is in balance and know that through my thoughts of a spiritual connection, my joy is waiting for me.
EMOTIONAL PAIN
EMOTIONAL BALANCE
“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.”
Oscar Wilde
Emotional pain can sometimes be as hurtful as the physical pain I have experienced as the result of my chronic pain condition. The emotional pain I’ve been through in active addiction while abusing pain medication became so great at times that I felt the need to use even more. The more emotional pain I experienced, the more out of emotional balance I was. I cannot achieve true, balanced recovery and live a life of meaning with chronic pain if I am not in balance. I experience pain as I go through life, just like everyone else. It is a natural part of living. Part of living life on life’s terms is learning how to deal with and walk through not only physical pain, but emotional pain too. It helps to remember that, when I’m in emotional pain, this too shall pass.
My emotional pain may be trying to teach me something; it may be representing some unresolved issue I need to address in my recovery program.
TRIGGERS
SPIRITUAL BALANCE
“We should every night call ourselves to account: What infirmity have I mastered today? What passions opposed? What temptation resisted? What virtue acquired?”
Seneca
Just about anything can trigger feelings in me today. Fear, anger, sadness, self-pity—any one of these painful emotions can be triggered by an innocent word, a song on the radio, a billboard I see as I drive to an appointment. I could respond the way I did before I entered pain recovery, and devote time and energy to “searching” within myself for the “cause” of the pain. (Somehow this never results in any new revelations, but it does keep me in pain as long as I continue to do it.) I can waste my mental energy trying to “heal a sick mind with a sick mind,” as it’s said in the rooms of recovery. Or I can do what my program tells me to do—I can search my soul for my own weaknesses, for the areas in which I may be dishonest, resentful, selfish, or fearful—in other words, spiritually unfit. And I can ask my higher power for forgiveness when I see my part in what is bothering me. I ask for forgiveness and I ask to have my attention directed to someone or something I can help.
Today I use triggers as a way to bring me closer to my higher power. I focus on constant prayer, remembering the freedom I have today from active addiction, and on positive thoughts that will turn to positive action.
SECONDARY GAIN
RELATIONSHIPS
“Secondary gain refers to any perceived benefit you receive from having pain. If not identified, secondary gain gives you unconscious reasons for holding onto your pain.”
Pain Recovery: How to Find Balance and Reduce Suffering from Chronic Pain
It took time for me to realize that I did receive a benefit from being in chronic pain. Sometimes it was more than one benefit. I wasn’t “faking” my pain in order to receive these benefits…I wasn’t even aware I was receiving them until I entered recovery.
Some of these benefits included receiving more attention from friends and family, being excused from having to work, being relieved of responsibilities, getting out of unpleasant activities, and having an excuse to take medication. I no longer need to be in pain in order to receive benefits; in recovery today, I can simply ask to have my legitimate needs met, being aware of my expectations and wants in a healthy way, being productive and working, taking responsibility, showing up for activities, and not abusing medication.
I remember my responsibilities and expectations in my life. I know that by not using my pain as an excuse to get the secondary gain, I am actually reducing the intensity of the pain itself and making it easier on myself. I find healthy ways to live through the habits I create for myself to meet my expectations.
{ FEBRUARY }
CONTROL
PHYSICAL BALANCE
“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.”
Tao Te Ching
Control. What a word. There was a time when I thought I was in control, of myself and of the world and the people in it. Paradoxically, that was during the time of my active addiction. Oh, yes, I may have been “in control” of my emotions and my feelings, but I was really just dulling them with medication so that I wouldn’t feel them. That was only the illusion of control, because ultimately, my addiction had total control over me. It was my master.
Entering pain recovery, I was told I had to