Clarissa went on to present a numbing cream, two kinds of body chocolate and several products for enhancing internal tightness and one for promoting multiple orgasms.
Like a student cheating on an exam, I tried to spy the menu of the woman lying on the floor next to me to see which items she was checking off. She caught me looking at it and moved her paper away. I looked over at Mahjong’s paper but couldn’t see any check marks in the mess of erotic doodles on her sheet. I faked a sneeze to take a quick glance at the paper in the lap of the lady who had handed me the cushion and noticed she had ticked more than five items. I took my penis pencil and made five random checks of my own as Clarissa brought out a game box.
“Now this is a great way to increase communication and have fun while playing,” she said, holding the box up to her chest. “The aim is to win favour coupons which are good for thirty days after the game is played. Remember the most important part of the word foreplay is play!”
The game seemed like a good deal all around. It had a blindfold I could use to sleep in with on the weekends, the timer would replace the one my mother broke in Yahtzee when she caught me cheating on my score card and the pretty pink note pad was perfect for grocery lists.
Clarissa then presented a few other stimulating liquid products, some edible body paint and five kinds of massage oil. When she was done, she asked if anyone wanted to take a break before the toys. Almost everyone shot up from their seats without hesitation and lunged at the island of food in Isabelle’s kitchen.
I headed straight for the coolers in a bucket near the fridge.
“I’m so glad you came out tonight!” Jenny said to me. Her eyes were completely glazed making them appear like two shiny blue marbles. “I didn’t think you would come. Cum! Ha! Leena did you hear what I said?”
Everyone, including Isabelle’s neighbours, probably heard her.
“I’m so happy for you,” I mumbled looking instinctively for Mahjong. “I guess I’ll see you at the wedding next week.”
“Are you going to wear a len-goo?”
“Sorry?” Despite the fact that she was still shouting, I had no idea what she meant.
“A len-goo. You know, a len-goo. Your traditional clothes. The clothes of your people.” My people? My people were the same people as her people. I saw Jenny picking out a blouse in the mall two weekends ago in the exact same shop as me.
“You mean a lengha?” I asked.
“Yes! A len-goo! Oh please wear it! Johnny will just love it! Oh my God Lee, did you make these samosas?” She stuffed the entire triangle into her mouth. “So good!”
“I bought them. But I did make the chutney.”
She dipped another triangular pastry in the green liquid and then stuffed it in with the half-masticated heap already in her mouth. “That chutney is so good! I’ll have to barf tonight or I’ll never fit into my dress!” She darted off to talk to the other girls in the kitchen.
Isabelle topped up everyone’s drinks, served some warm brie from the oven with a crusty French bread and then loudly insisted that people resume their seats.
“Jenny wants me to wear a lengha,” I said to Mahjong as we sat back down on the floor.
“Are you going to?”
“You must be high! All my lenghas are heavily embroidered. She showed me a picture of her dress last month. Even my cheapest one makes her dress look like she bought it at the dollar store.”
“So what are you going to wear?”
“Whatever fits my fat ass.”
Clarissa clapped her hands. “It’s toy time!”
She began the second half of her presentation by showing us a laminated picture of two vaginas. One showed the clitoris directly over the vaginal cavity, a phenomenon she said approximately 15% of the female population enjoyed. The other picture showed the clitoris higher up, with a greater space between it and the opening. This she said was the case for about 85% of the female population.
“Men are born with their genitals on the outside of their bodies,” Clarissa said. “Lucky them! Women, on the other hand, need to go and get a mirror and physically look at themselves and we don’t often do that. And if no one has told you before, then I’m telling you, you’re beautiful. You’re unique.” I felt like everyone was staring at me. I shifted on my pillow. I was just drunk enough to start to enjoy the sounds it made.
Clarissa’s first toy was a cyber-skin penis that had a suction cup on the end. She called it Hank. Mahjong dated a guy named Hank once. She called him Stanky Hanky after he dropped his drawers on their second date and the smell from his penis almost made her faint. They never went out again.
“Now this little bullet vibrates.” Clarissa held up an egg shaped toy with a cord attached to a control. “I’m going to put it in your hand so you can feel what vibration feels like.” She walked around the room, placing the toy in each lady’s hand. The buxom blonde squealed with joy and proclaimed to everyone in the room that she already owned one just like it. Jenny in her drunken state needed her friend’s help to steady her hand. The long-nosed lady refused to hold the toy. Mahjong curled both her hands around it and smiled.
I was next.
I held out my hand like I was waiting for my teacher to hand me back an assignment I knew I had failed. The first wave of vibration coursed straight through my veins on a highway of alcohol fast-tracked to my brain. It felt at once invigorating and frightening. I closed my hand over it as Mahjong did, feeling the pulsations dance like little sparks inside my fingertips. Before I could fully begin to enjoy the sensation, Clarissa pulled the toy away and continued her presentation. I was surprised that I instinctively wanted to hold the bullet longer to see what other reactions it would elicit.
“That’s just a sample of what it’s like.” She pulled a small silver bullet similar to the one she had in her hand from one of the black satin bags on the table. “Here’s a great toy that I recommend. It has six speeds and it fits into this piece.” She pulled a small pink gel-like rabbit out of the bag.
Clarissa demonstrated how to slide the bullet into the back of the bunny causing its nose to vigorously vibrate. She slipped two fingers into the round strap under the base of the bunny so it appeared as though it were perched on a ledge. She recommended it as one of the best beginner toys. Beginner, now that sounded like me. I put a star next to the number for the bunny.
She demonstrated two waterproof toys, a crooked one for the G-spot and a ring for use around the testicles to increase sensitivity and prolong an erection.
“Now while we’re on the subject of him.” With a smile she pulled a rubbery pink sleeve from a golden box behind her. “This is for him ladies. You pour warm water through it and slide some of our water-based lubricant down the centre and when the penis goes in here, it feels like a vagina. He can use this for self-stimulation, or you can use it with him. If you give it to him, you can have the whole night off to read a book! Imagine that! And if you want to play together, here’s how.” She grabbed Hank from the table and inserted him inside the sleeve. “Hold it at the base. Then I pull on the sleeve… gently! And as I tug on it up and down, I am caressing the penis with my hands on the outside but it feels like a vagina on the inside.”
Jenny clapped and laughed awkwardly.
I thought about buying the sleeve for Manny. My mother had been telling me to buy him a leather briefcase for work with his initials on it for his upcoming birthday. Somehow in my drunken state, I reasoned they were pretty much the same idea: a thing he held in his hand at his job or a hand job for his thing. Either way his birthday present was taken care of.
“Okay ladies,” Clarissa said after everyone was quiet again,