“And the parachute chuddy too!” I said as she put the last item I ordered in a bag.
“Sorry, what is that?”
“The underwear with the hole for those bad days when you want to grocery shop and forget your troubles.”
“Oh, you mean crotchless panties!”
“No more bad days for me.”
In the end, I handed Clarissa my MasterCard and my trust hoping in the sober light of day I wouldn’t regret what I had purchased and would remember the sweet excitement burgeoning in my chest as I said yes to every item she held up to me. I walked out with two large black bags packed with products that filled me with equal amounts of extreme anxiety and extreme anticipation.
Mahjong waited for me at the front door with the most peculiar smile curling her lips.
“Good thing you brought your credit card eh, Lee?” Her eyes twinkled as she handed me my coat.
“I didn’t have any idea, Mahjong. It’s like I’ve been sleeping for thirty-two years.” Mahjong smiled at me and wrapped my coat around my shoulders as Isabelle came over to say goodbye.
“Did you have a good time, Lee?” she asked.
“I sure did. I was just blown away.”
Isabelle looked down at the two big bags in my hands and then to Mahjong. “From the size of those bags, it looks like Manny is going to be the one getting blown away tonight. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to round up some cabs for these horny drunk bitches!”
Once Mahjong and I were in the car, she immediately threw her bag in my lap. “Open it if you want.” A part of me was more than curious to see what she had bought for herself since I didn’t see her go into the sales room. I peered in and found a satin bag with the King inside. She had also bought some lubricant in the grape flavor and then much to my surprise I suddenly found my hands on Hank.
“Holy crap! That does feel like skin!”
“You better believe it!” Mahjong said reaching her hand over to pet the top of the penis. “He reminds me so much of Huge. I mean Hugh. Ah, I miss that loser sometimes.”
I studied the cyber-penis in my hand with unabashed excitement. Mahjong smiled at me but said nothing.
“Do you want to know what I bought?”
“Only if you want to show me Lee.”
“I want to show you what I bought.” I marveled at how much more excited I felt about showing Mahjong what I had bought than I had been making the purchases. “I bought the blue bubble bath for making your muscles relax.” She seemed uninterested. “I bought this hot stuff in a few flavors to begin with.”
“I have that.”
“And I bought some lubricant.”
“Me too.”
“I bought… I bought… the rabbit toy too.” I paused to create dramatic effect. It was after all the first vibrator I had ever purchased.
“What else?” Mahjong asked matter-of-factly.
Her reaction disappointed me. I could feel my buzz completely fizzle.
“The game,” I said flatly refusing to act like it bothered me that she didn’t congratulate me on my monumental purchase.
“That game looks lame. But let me know if it’s any good. I think you’ll get laid the second he sees you come in the house with the big bags alone!” Mahjong howled out loud laughing at her own joke.
“Mahjong?”
“Yup?”
“I have to tell you something.”
I took a deep breath.
“Sure.” Mahjong’s eyes were focused on the highway ahead of us.
“I’ve never…”
“Had an orgasm,” she finished. “I know.”
It took all my courage and bravery to make my confession for the second time that night and instead of a reaction of shock or surprise, she made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal.
“How did you know?” I wailed.
“What the fuck? It’s obvious! I’ve known you like fifteen or sixteen years now, right? You think I never pay attention? Anyway I blame that fucker Nick for messing with your head all those years. He screwed up your self-esteem and he made you feel bad about yourself. Anyway, forget that jackass. I’m not going to waste any more time being careful how I put things to you. What I don’t know is why you felt like you needed to lie to me all these years.”
I was reminded of a few conversations we had in the past. Once when we were in university Mahjong flat out asked me if I had ever had an orgasm and I lied. A second time, a year into my marriage to Manny, she asked again. I lied again. She never pressed the issue after I gave her my answer both times.
“I don’t know why I lied,” I said, fidgeting with my seatbelt. “I can’t believe you knew all along and never said anything.”
“Don’t put this on me, Lee. I wanted to help you but every time I asked, you said, “Yeah sure Mahjong.” What the hell was I supposed to say? Prove it? I knew you were too embarrassed and I wasn’t going to put you on the spot.”
“Thanks,” I muttered under my breath.
“What I don’t get is why you’re telling me now. I’ve asked so many times over the last few years and suddenly we go to this party and you say it just like that.” I could tell instantly that she was hurt that it took a total stranger to bring it out of me.
“I would never have said it if you hadn’t forced me to come to the party tonight.”
Suddenly there was too much tension in the air between us.
“Well, anyway, whatever. I’m glad you got a toy,” Mahjong said, her pride obviously still a bit wounded. “Do you know how to use it?”
“I – uh. I – well…”
“It’s really very instinctual. Don’t be embarrassed to ask me questions. Cause you can ask me anything Lee.”
She sounded so sincere but I found it hard to get past how awkward I suddenly felt. “For sure,” I said as easily as I could. “I will ask you, but I hope to be able to figure it out on my own. I’m not a total sexual loser. The toy goes in my ear right?”
It took her a few seconds before she let a smile curl her lips and then Mahjong quickly reached over and squeezed my knee with her hand.
“Leena,” she said, taking a deep breath, “I’m really proud of you.”
I felt tears sting my eyes.
“Well I don’t know how Manny will react,” I said “I never talked to him about it really. All this time we’ve been married and I’ve never talked about it.”
I was getting more and more anxious as we approached the house. How do you come home from a sex party with a big bag of toys and bring up subjects with your husband that you haven’t ever broached the entire time you have been married? Where do I start?
By the time Mahjong drove me home, it was just past 11:30 p.m. I scurried upstairs and, like a drug dealer trying to hide a stash from the police, I frantically scouted out a suitable hiding place for all my newly acquired loot.
I decided to hide the bags in the spare room behind the plastic totes I had been asking