“Has that happened to you?” I whispered to Mahjong.
“It was a freaking tsunami the first time. I thought I peed all over the guy and the dumb jerk got all cocky and wouldn’t stop smiling. But let me tell you Lee, it put the ah in ah-mazing!”
How had I known Mahjong all these years and somehow I never knew this? She shared details about each of her lovers from girth, width and duration but this piece of information was news to me. In fifteen years of knowing her I could recite the nicknames she gave to all her lovers from Andrew Apple Balls to Thick Dick Victor. I could tell you her shoe size, how she cheated on her exams in university and which one of the Spice Girls she would have sex with but somehow this was a subject we had never discussed.
“The answer is true,” Clarissa said. “The first time it feels like you have peed all over your partner.” Mahjong had a smile on her face and an I told you so look in her eyes. “But let me take the time to explain this because it’s important.” Clarissa positioned herself squarely in the middle of everyone’s gaze and looked down at her pubic area drawing everyone else’s eyes down at the same time.
“The G-spot is on the outside wall right here,” she said poking her belly just below her navel. “If you put your finger inside you and crook it like you are motioning come here, come here you will be pressing against it.” She looked back down to her pubic area and made a circle with her other hand over the hub of her bottom belly. Then she bent her finger as though it was stimulating the circle from the inside. “Now as I continue to stimulate this area, it goes from about a dime-size to a quarter-size and with clitoral stimulation… well let me put it this way, you’ll have to change the sheets!” She smiled broadly.
“I’ve heard about them but I’ve never had one,” a woman with bright red lipstick said. “Is it pee?”
“No,” Clarissa said. “Everyone thinks that it is but it isn’t urine. It’s natural and it will feel unlike anything else you’ve ever felt. It’s really quite incredible.” She resumed her position by the side of the table, directly in front of me.
In under an hour’s time my mind had become flooded with too much information, some of it getting lost in the cloud of rum that had firmly settled into my blood stream.
“There is one thing I can’t stress enough ladies,” Clarissa said resting one leg over the other and leaning against the table. “You need to know your bodies better than anyone else. If you don’t enjoy sex with yourself, how can you expect someone else to?”
Suddenly there it was in a language I could fully understand despite the fog of rum: If you don’t enjoy sex with yourself, how can you expect someone else to?
When I had arrived at the party, I had no idea what to expect but after hearing Clarissa state it so plainly, the words formed an inescapable truth I could no longer hide from. I knew from that moment on, there was no turning back.
Chapter 2
“I’m going to present a lot of product in a short period of time,” Clarissa said. “Before I do, let’s look at some lingerie.” She reached behind her and brought out a straw basket covered in a gold cloth that in my slightly inebriated state looked like a giant samosa. She even folded the fabric back like my grandmother taught me when she first showed me how to make them. “Remember ladies, your lingerie says a lot about you.”
She pulled out a brown teddy with ruffles. It would make me look like a misshapen chappati. If your lingerie says something about you, what was mine saying about me? My bra was over eight years old and had three holes in the lace at the back which only marginally exceeded the number in my thick cotton underpants. I cancelled out the section marked lingerie on my menu. A blazing red pen would have made me feel better, but I only had the little penis pencil to work with.
Clarissa smiled politely at everyone’s reactions to the pretty lace outfits and then widened her grin when she brought out a few costumes. Police Officer, French Maid and the School Girl all got rousing applause. The runaway hit was the Nurse’s costume.
“I’m a nurse!” a pig-tailed buxom blonde said twirling her hair in her hands. “I love that costume!”
“And the last thing I want to show you ladies is my best seller. Crotchless panties!” She held up a pair of underwear with white lace at the sides and two strings hanging down from either end of the front joining into one small bow at the back. It looked like a parachute cut in half at the top with its strings suspending down towards an invisible jumper.
“These are a wonderful addition to every woman’s wardrobe. Let me show you why.” To the roar of a delighted crowd Clarissa reached down, slid the white panties up over her black pants and snapped the strings into place creating the striking visual of a large black triangle in the centre of two white stripes. Thank God she put them on because there was no way I would ever have figured it out by myself.
“There are four reasons these panties will go home with you tonight. One, women always complain they can spend $80 on an outfit and it ends up on the floor in two minutes, so what’s the point? Well, with these you spend under twenty dollars and they stay on.” Someone clapped. It might have been Mahjong.
“Let me give you reason two. If you’re having sex with a man, he’s visual. Never underestimate that. It’s not the same as wearing nothing at all. Just the thought of you wearing them will make him crazy. And when he sees them on you it will make him even crazier.”
She held up three fingers. “And if you are having sex with a man, let’s face it, he might not get it. With these panties you make it really simple for him and tell him to stay inside the lines,” she said as she pointed to the black space between the two white strings over her pubic area. Every woman in the room, myself included, howled with laughter in response.
“And lastly ladies, what I most recommend these panties for are those bad days when you just feel really low. You know what I’m talking about? We all have them. Put on these crotchless panties, wear a skirt, and go grocery shopping.” I saw looks of intrigue, shock and delight. “Trust me ladies, you wear these panties and if you were depressed before you left the house, you won’t be by the time you come home. It has nothing to do with sex, and everything about making you feel good.”
I tried to think of the last time I felt good, really good. In the confusion of rum and mushroom nipples exploding in my stomach, it saddened me that no single event stood out in recent memory.
Then, with a sudden impulse of pure drunken determination, I boldly wrote Parachute Chuddy on my paper menu in the top right corner.
Clarissa refolded the golden fabric and slid the basket under the table. While she began to explain the bubble bath line, Mahjong slipped into the kitchen, got herself another juice bottle and a cold cooler for me. Years of friendship and a deep desire to get drunk eliminated the need for me to properly thank her. I popped the top off and swallowed half the frosty drink.
The consultant extolled the virtues of bubble baths with our partners and how sexy it was to play with edible products. I almost choked on my cooler at the image of Manny and I both trying to fit into our small bathtub at home. I could see him sloshing around, his long six foot frame struggling to stay inside the tub. I envisioned his feet on either side of my head with mine in his groin just trying to get both of us in at the same time. Comical yes, sexy no.
“This product is also edible so you can use it as a mouthwash, toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo or for washing your pets, your car and your dishes.
“And it has vitamin E in it so it is exceptionally good for shaving.” She ran the bottle along her legs. “And shaving.” She waved