Sex & Intimacy 101. K. A. Bareki

a prostitute. Women on the other hand are according to that statement known for seducing men to love them and help them, thereafter attacking their helper, mercilessly dumping men after exploiting them hereafter pouncing on the next victim. They say a snake if you should find it in the cold, unable to move, and then take it to the fireplace to warm its cold-blooded being, it’s going to bite you after it has warmed up. The snake is thus compared to women. While it is clear that these statements come from people who have grown tired and frustrated with gender differences and relationship nightmares, I wish all people could understand each other instead of resorting to hopeless conclusions that do not have an atom of truth.

      While writing this book, I went to ask my neighbor what she thinks of men and sex. I normally don’t confine my research to church, especially when I am dealing with a problem that affects everyone. So I went to my neighbor, a socialite and occasional drinker. She was painfully honest as she sat there gazing at me with that shroud look on her face that says ‘‘I am not going to give you an answer that soothes your churchy background .’’ Then her face expressed her absence as she thought deeply in protracted silence about men and the question asked. She lit her cigarette, took one long puff and said to me (as smoke gushed out of her mouth and nostrils) that ‘‘men are people who don’t attach much to sex, they can just fuck for the sake of fucking.’’ Whewww! Now, I didn’t say that, she did, so don’t throw this book away yet. Don’t even accuse me of profanity... She went on to say ‘‘men are simple creatures, its easy to read them as a woman, they are not into details, but they are very decisive and love to hide their feelings.’’ Then she said something I have heard many women say, which is that ‘‘men are like babies.’’ Now, I have also heard men, and many of them for that matter, saying that ‘‘women are like babies’’. This shouldn’t shock you because lovers often call each other ‘‘babe.’’ Nowadays its “bae”.

      I heard that a lady was breast-feeding her child in a taxi. She kept threatening the child by saying that if she continued playing and not sucking her breasts for milk, she will give them to the man next to her. As she kept holding her ballooned breasts filled with milky delight for the child, the man next to her (a typical stranger) kept looking lustfully at the juicy breasts.The baby wasn’t sucking them breasts. So, mother threatened the baby. “If you don’t suck them,am giving them to uncle”.After the woman gave the fifth threat, this man, asked how many times the woman was going to threaten the child and not execute the threat. I laughed, and wondered whether that’s what we mean when we say men are like babies. Do they need the very things that the baby needs?Yes! Grown up men, suck breasts. Indeed men are like babies, and in a very literal way for that matter. But according to men, it’s the other way round:Women are babies. They are ‘‘unpredictable’’ and ‘‘stressful.’’ and so confusing that even God doesn’t understand them. That’s what they say...

      The other day I was traveling with this old pal—a taxi driver who normally takes me around Gabz. Then he saw a ring on my finger and asked me, ‘‘so how is your wife?’’ I saw the look on his face, and that he wanted to share some ‘‘old man secrets’’ with me. So, I just rhetorically responded, ‘‘eeer..she is so so, eish mdala, you know our women...’’ what followed was chuckles as if to say ‘‘I knew it young-man,there are always issues.’’ Then he says to me, ‘‘I have my old woman too, and I have given her everything a woman could want , now she wants to have the little money I make out of this taxi.’’ ‘‘Why would she do that?’’ I asked with that puzzled face and African wonder posture, holding my chin while concurrently folding my arms. But the old man was not at all looking my direction. He was looking at the road like a devoted driver and probably listening attentively to the pain his old wife causes him. He seemed to be comforting his hurt self with a church hymn sang almost in silence. Then he says to me ‘‘eish, my wife ‘ke mathata’, she troubles me, and won’t give me sex. She thinks I am a fool, but I have found a new sex mate, and I won’t tell her that as much as she has stopped being intimate with me and won’t say a word...’’At that moment, his statement deeply hit me, especially because I am a preacher and he doesn’t know it. To hear somebody confessing deliberate adultery like that haunts me the way a zebra is troubled by seeing a ferocious lion. We took a few turns into simple but complicated Gaborone streets, then he dropped me by the anticipated destination. ‘‘ sharp Mdala...’’ I said, and he waved driving away and disappearing into the dust which his Japanese import motor car had created. I could not concentrate on his heart-felt wave. Instead as he drove away, my heart was reeling in shock at a statement so astonishing yet said casually. It dawned on me again that the world is sick and I need to write a book that can heal it. Just the week prior, I was talking to a very close friend of mine. Then he told me about his sex life. He told me candidly—and I think is because we are close, he said ‘‘women in your country seem not to know a thing about sex. They prefer switching off the lights until it’s too dark for us to even look into each other’s eyeballs. Then ignorant bonking takes place. After that dark encounter, there’s no feedback. They just won’t tell you whether the sex was good or bad. Commenting about sex to them is a no-go area’’ This man defends his opinion by suggesting that the idea of switching off lights is so common that Juju boy, a local artist in Botswana, has written the song, hurt me,with the mention of ‘‘ lebone’’ which means ‘‘light or lamp,’’ and the artist hinting that he wants to see his lover. He thinks the musician is complaining against the local mentality of switching off lights before sex. Is he?

      I thought it’s only men who often feel that their sex lives are as bitter as an aspirin until I spoke to one lady who used to be my classmate in those far gone years when we were kids ‘‘doing’’ elementary schooling. We did talk typical ex-classmate talk which revolves around history. Then she talked about her kids and her man. Afterwards, I asked her the shocker question...‘‘so, how is the sex?’’ She was immediately in stress-land and releasing the cortisol hormone, yet she blatantly said ‘‘Heish, not good at all, but what can I do? I am a woman, if I tell him about how the sex sucks and how we can improve it, he will say I am a bitch.’’ I was reminded of how in one of our talk shows, a woman said without mincing words that a great deal of men are reputable for pouncing on women without foreplay. Just after brief kissing which cannot even compete with your puppy’s passionate lick of its food bowl, they already think the snake must go out to play. They say in just a minute, the pants are down, and they want the vaginal sliding door to lead them to gloryland. These short tempered brothers who have no idea what it is to romance a woman and bring her to a turn-on level, have ruined the bedroom and the reputation of men. Men, especially here in Africa (though not all of them) are domineering, traditional, naive and yet sexually insane. They love it but they have no idea what a woman thinks and how she feels. And our women, who have grown tired of boring sex are faking climax. They are screaming like a person encapsulated by pleasure when in fact they just want the man to be done—or to come, if that’s the ‘‘big Idea.’’ I hope this day as you read this book, your curiosity has been aroused. If you are a man, I hope you now want to learn how to sex the right way. If you are a woman by now, the damage caused by sexless homes has caused you to want your man to have the kind of sex that will make him think of only you when it comes to sex. It’s time you became jealous enough to think of everything to do for your man to be satisfied enough to not want to know what lies between another woman’s thighs. I believe Mr man, that you should be competent enough to avoid making your lady live with you out of tolerance and loyalty. Yes, women love hot sex, but not more than affection. Sex without romance to them is no better than a vegetarian meal without vegetables. It’s crazy. Its not even bad sex, its no sex at all.... It’s just the rubbing of genitalia.

      Now to help you out on this issue, I am not going to go straight into teaching you how to have sex. There are some vital things I am going to teach you that are fundamental. A