Sex & Intimacy 101. K. A. Bareki

sympathetic towards are not even victims. It’s just a complicated sex game. Months ago, a ‘‘pastor’’ asked his congregants to give him a blow-job from the pulpit—and they did! Another ‘‘pastor’’,is alleged to be kissing women’s butts to give them ‘‘good luck.’’ They line up naked by the beach and he kisses their bums! Are those true pastors? That may take some time to answer, but I am sure they are sex hungry individuals wearing church garments. So, those ‘‘pastors’’ are not mad people but sex hungry people gone crazy.

      On the flip-side, the so-called victim could also be lonely, unsexed and naive. So, why not write a book on sex, particularly one that promotes sexual enjoyment instead of spending time praying against demons when people are merely experiencing sexual hunger masquerading as spiritual confusion? If our society experiences acute food shortages, there will be thieves raiding shops at gunpoint. There will be tricky people who try to swindle you out of your hard earned money or groceries. The problem will simply emanate from a hunger problem. I believe today, our men and women are hungry for good sex. They don’t know how to enjoy it to their satisfaction. That’s the crisis in today’s world. Despite the hunger, we are secretive. In Africa, sex is a pleasant taboo, such that people secretly enjoy sex or fail at it without ever saying it. Rightly put by me, when it comes to sex, we are all introverts. The most talkative guy cannot look at you bull’s eye and tell you ‘‘Man, I just don’t know how to have sex.’’ Ego, tradition and religion just wouldn’t let ’em. Let me not even talk about women, coz a great deal of them are just sexually shy and secretive to the core? You have to be very close to a woman to hear her most confidential views on sex. Which is why I believe my cousin was close enough to me, to open up on the issue of sex...She told me without mincing words that most men have the tendency of wanting sex on the first day of dating. She accused them of being eyes-red horny on the first date. That’s true, but the problem with a lot of us men is that we just haven’t learned anything about sex enough to know when to ask for it or when the fruit is ripe. What’s worse is that only a countable number of us can have envied sex. We turn to react basing on our erection yet without basic sexual knowledge. We are easily driven by the inclination to have sex without the intellectual comprehension of what it truly is.

      Then there’s the child in every homestead who has to learn sex all by himself/herself and develops into a sexually naïve young man or woman simply because our communities are more secretive about sex than they are about a computer password. Every year, we turn young people who know nothing about passionate and skillful sex into husbands and wives. The result is that they will experiment and if luck is luck they might do what is expected by nature. Can you imagine anything more horrible than people who reach sexual climax on coincidence? We don’t expect our kids to excel at school by coincidence but we expect them to know how to have sex when they have grown up without having learned anything about it...We teach our kids how to eat, defecate and even how to walk, but where do they learn issues of sexual intimacy? I have met men who lament about how their wives are not sexual. Some currently have secret sex partners on the side, they are secretly going to notorious G-west, Middle-star, Hilbrow and brothels to buy prostitutes, simply because their wives are no longer sexual enough to satisfy them. They complain that their wives have grown fat, unsexy and have become more of mothers instead of the sexy Sharon Stone who used to put up a hot act in their bedrooms. Different people from all walks of life are sexually frustrated and end up having to resort to porn for sexual lessons and consolation. Women haven’t escaped this frustration, that’s why we hear time and again of an extremely rich woman ‘‘happily’’ married who dates a taxi driver on the side, books a room and has sex with him. That should tell you a lot about this woman’s rich husband. Your first guess should be that his sex therapy is in short supply. A lot of people, Christians included, watch porn behind closed doors, but porn itself at times is no more than a bedroom movie made out of fantasy to make money because it just might not teach one the craft of sex like this book you are reading. Porn directors hire models to scream and pretend they are enjoying sex when the whole thing is just pseudo sex and some of the positions are according to one sex therapist and movie director ‘‘ made to suit the videographer’s camera.’’ In other words, porn is designed to make money out of selling naked fantasies and not necessarily to teach us how to have exhilarating sex.

      Then there is the issue of sex decline in females around the age of meno-pause. There are faithful men whose lives have almost broken down because their wives are no longer sexually active. And these wives are giving a dozen of excuses for not blasting their men’s libido driven hunger. So these men don’t know what to do, they have tried everything but their wives have just locked their thighs. Menopause does have situations where a woman loses interest in sex. If the duo don’t know what is happening, their lives can be a sexual nightmare. Talk about men whose erection is swallowed by sugar diabetes. What do we do? Do we pray for them? So my friend, what would you have done if you were me? Would you not have written a book that alleviates the problems that originate from poor sex lives? I have paid a big price to write this book. Family members were not excited about it. Fellow pastors criticized me for it. I believe Journalists are going to nail my reputation to make a quick buck out of my boldness. Christians who have been calling me a pagan will upon the release of this book be celebrating my fate. They will say how much of a devil’s child I am. But if you were me, what would you have done? I can no longer afford to be a prisoner of conscience. I would rather die like Oliver Tambo than live as long as Ayatollah Khomeini when the truth lies hidden from many. I guess now you get the reason why I had to write this book despite my ‘‘sanctified’’ calling. Just because I am a preacher, doesn’t mean I should be a ‘‘sanctimonious hypocrite.’’ The world today is looking for people who will face challenges of the day without shame. People who will correct issues and not apologize for that. So, let’s begin the sex lesson that will soon cost me my reputation, but you have to remember that I did this for you. I was just trying to help you to learn how to have the kind of sex that your lover will order from you again and again, the same way you have always preferred the same pizza company. I am just trying to teach you something that no man or woman has ever dreamt you would one day know so explicitly. In fact, your lover is not expecting it from you. But what’s in the offing? I am giving you a chapter on the sex act, sex quadrant, foreplay lessons, sex positions—at least 101 of them (illustrated) plus more...

      So, you should be expecting to learn about having good sex, and like I said, I am going to teach you just that. This is a sex manual. It’s just like a car manual. Before you start learning how to drive you have to learn how the car generally behaves. So, before I teach you how to sex a woman or a man excellently and passionately. I am going to show you how both genders are designed sexually. Okay, who is first? Ladies first? Ok lets do men first. Hey, here is a favorable deal: Well, mmm, look, lets do both of them at the same time. Before you deliver ‘‘fat-cake hot’’ sex, you need to know how a man and a woman are structured from a mental and physical point of view. We have to look at the nature of both sexes (psychologically, sexually and physically). So, don’t skip this because it’s part of learning how to have epic performance in the bedroom. It’s high-time you had good sex ,don’t you think? It’s high time we stopped having many kids that need school fees, get low grades and are generally naughty and yet came through a short one night stand. We need to be sexually astute and satisfied. We need to alleviate problems caused by failing to have a good ‘‘shag’’ from society. But let’s start the bonking lesson here...and even if your Christian conscience tells you that you will learn this when you’re married, go on reading. You are not going to know how to have proper sex a few hours into marriage during your honeymoon or instantly after reading this book. You will need to keep on thinking about what I taught you in order to be good at it.

       (1) Gender differences

      We have often heard people, particularly men say, ‘‘women; you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.’’ One woman used to say, ‘‘men are dogs and women are