There are various ways of overcoming negativity. Some people find their work, art or religion useful; others are ‘rescued’ by very inspiring and enabling people whom they happen to meet at some stage in their lives. The course outlined in the rest of this book introduces another way, which has been tried and tested by large numbers of people who have attended personal development courses or sought help from a counsellor or therapist.
The word ‘impossible’ is black. ‘I can’ is like a flame of gold.
Catherine Cookson
Chapter 2 Becoming positive in the quest for self-knowledge
Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is superior wisdom.
Lao Tzu
Self-knowledge is a key factor in any programme of personal development. I am always amazed at how little people do assess their own personality and abilities. Gossiping amateur psychologists who speculate with great accuracy about the foibles or strengths of friends and neighbours often turn to the daily horoscopes for guidance on their own psyches! I have seen successful managers who have spent a whole career interviewing and assessing staff almost rendered speechless when confronted with questions about their personalities and value systems.
Fortunately, however, there seems to be a change in the air – articles in women’s magazines and newspapers are increasingly accompanied by searching questionnaires asking ‘Do you always feel/ think …?’ or ‘Are you the kind of person who …?’ Of course many of these quizzes are written by journalists rather than professional psychologists or therapists, and give very superficial results, but they do nevertheless often start us thinking and talking. Similarly, in the worlds of work and education a fashion for self-assessment is sweeping through, as employers and teachers ask, ‘What do you think you can achieve?’ and ‘What personal qualities can you offer?’ But, in our culture, it is not that easy to point the probing finger inwards. We often have to contend with several negative blocks before we can confidently and enthusiastically take the path to our own psychological enlightenment.
Negative blocks
Here are a few negative messages I have noticed ringing in people’s ears.
Block 1: ‘I don’t want to be seen as self-centred or to look as though there is something wrong with me.’
It is true that there still is a certain stigma attached to self-evaluation. Contemplating the navels of others is now socially acceptable behaviour – in fact, it could be argued that it is even becoming quite fashionable. But to turn the same enquiring mind inwards still tends to be regarded as self-indulgent or neurotic. This is why most people’s visits to personal development courses are initially shrouded in secrecy – who wants to be seen indulging in the pastime of the mentally infirm and selfish egocentrics?! But fortunately, as time progresses, more often than not I witness people who once came and went by the back door moving to the position of recruiting officer at the front!
When one is a stranger to oneself, then one is estranged from others too.
Anne Morrow Lindberg
Block 2: ‘It’s alright for those who can afford the luxury.’
I find that many people still think that this kind of activity is a privilege of the super-rich who can afford the time and money to relax on the analytic couch, bending the ear of a kindly father-figure several times a week for the rest of their lives! Knowledge about affordable alternatives such as self-help groups and counselling is still far from common. Very often it is only gathered and given in times of severe crisis or when a problem has become so chronic that it is causing havoc in people’s lives. The cry of so many of my clients is ‘If only I had known years ago where to go to get help with understanding myself, I am sure I would not have got into this mess!’
Block 3: ‘Deep down, I’m probably not a very nice person.’
Most people find the very thought of beginning to explore their innermost souls frightening. One worry which people have often confessed to me is that they are going to find out that they are not the person they hoped that they and others thought they were. They are afraid that a deeper analysis of their thoughts, feelings and potential will reveal their inadequacies, that the limitations to their ‘niceness’, intelligence and creativity will stare them in the face, and the reality of a mediocre or disastrous destiny will dull their dreams. This is particularly true of course for women, who have so many stereotypical images and archetypes of ‘nice, caring back-seat drivers’ with which to contend!
Every one of us has a darker side to our personality, however, and we all have limits to our potential. But getting better acquainted with our own ‘devil’ means we can have more control over her, and confronting the limits of our potential means we are more likely to set goals for ourselves which bring satisfaction and reward as opposed to disappointment and failure.
I can’t imagine anything worse than being a good girl.
Cher
Block 4: ‘If I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.’
This is a very common fear, i.e. that ‘digging up the dirt’ through self-examination and exploration of the past experiences will bring overwhelming despair and depression. Certainly many people I have worked with find they have a very large backlog of tears to shed and do cry out at times, ‘Will it ever stop?’ But of course, it does, and then comes the feeling of relief and renewed energy.
As people become more experienced at doing personal development work, they learn to have more and more control over the buried tears and are able to choose to shed them in safe and supportive places – for example in the comfort and warmth of their own homes or in the arms of close and trusted friends who will not panic in the presence of their grief but simply be with them until it passes. As someone who has experienced the deep despair of serious life-threatening depression, I know that it is a condition of non-feeling, totally different from the reflective sadness and grief that we can experience as we recall and examine aspects of our past.
I knew that my cure would never be complete unless I could openly associate myself with two words; two words that had been my secret shame for so long, namely ‘illegitimate’ and ‘bastard’.
Catherine Cookson, talking about her breakdown
If any of these negative messages have been ringing bells for you – or, indeed, if you have any others – you must deal with your resistance first. If you begin your self-exploration with such attitudes, you will not only make the whole process feel like hard work, but you may also influence your objectivity, for if you expect to find trouble, your perception and memory will surely bring it out for you! Of course, you may recall sad times and experiences, temporary attacks of anxiety, self-doubt and cynicism, but remember that that is not the whole story!
Make a positive beginning
Start now to correct your negative outlook by reading the following typical positive comments from people I have known who have taken the risk of inspecting the hidden depths of their hearts and minds.
‘I didn’t realize how exciting self-exploration