How Women Will Advance
Steps by corporations, governments, and other groups are key in helping women advance. Still, the philosophy that underlies this book is that women themselves must accelerate their upward climb. They need to show others they are confident, capable leaders who believe in themselves and can inspire that belief in others. They must act on their own behalf by taking the stage.
Taking the stage involves speaking up, being forthright, expressing your viewpoint in meetings. It means not pulling back when challenged or when your inner voice seeks to undermine you. It means accepting praise for a job well done, rather than saying, “It was nothing” or “My team did it.” It means stepping up to whatever opportunity presents itself, and having the strength to say, “Here's what I believe.” It also means putting yourself forward for leadership roles or more senior positions, even though you may feel you're not fully qualified. In large and small ways, it involves showing the world (and yourself) that you are a person to be reckoned with and that you believe in yourself and can inspire others to believe in you too. This path involves risk, but the rewards of having your voice heard and being respected for speaking up far outweigh the uncertainties you may feel as you step forward.
This process of taking the stage is indeed the most important thing women can do for themselves if they want to advance. The stage provides a positive, motivational metaphor for women who wish to succeed in the business world. The “glass ceiling” suggests a limitation on what women can achieve – that they will eventually bang their heads against a hidden barrier that will keep them from reaching their companies' top echelons. In contrast, the stage is a rich and positive metaphor for women's advancement. Every day provides women with new opportunities to shine on some sort of stage – in boardrooms, meeting rooms, offices, conference and lecture halls, and in chance encounters in corridors and elevators.
As founder and past president of a global consulting firm, I have seen that women's communication style comprises their greatest challenge. This is true regardless of rank, culture, or industry. Too often women are reluctant to speak up in meetings; to apply for new positions; to pose new ideas or challenge someone else who has spoken. They are hesitant to discuss their accomplishments. They undersell themselves in job interviews and business interactions. They minimize themselves mentally, verbally, vocally, and physically when they speak. Their style is weaker and less compelling than is needed for them to lead others. The result is that many women sideline themselves, rather than standing in the spotlight and telling others confidently what they think.
On a daily basis we receive feedback and written testimonials making clear that the program that has inspired this book helps women succeed. One manager observed, “Your program has changed my life. The impact at first was subtle: I stopped nodding my head, as though agreeing with everything everybody said. I also stopped apologizing and I began to stand up straighter. I started dressing differently – more professionally. I volunteered to lead safety meetings in our Hydro office. I am more focused on where I am going because I now set career goals whereas before I had never really set goals. People perceive me as more of a leader.”
Another woman told us, “I'm in a male-dominated industry and petite. What I've learned is that I have to be able to stand up to men that are three times my size and say, ‘Look, I'm serious. I know what I'm talking about and this is how it's going to be.’ ‘Yes, Ma'am’ is their response when I talk that way.”
Taking the stage doesn't always involve major, career-changing events; it might simply mean raising one's hand in a meeting, offering to lead a project, providing a dissenting opinion. The starting point is to realize that you are always on stage —whether you are in your firm's cafeteria or at a networking event with senior executives, customers, or peers.
This learning applies in your personal and community life as well as the business world. One woman explained, “I'm a member of the board of governors of a private golf club, along with twelve men. I had always sat quietly and let the men discuss the finances and other topics; I was reluctant to say, ‘Well, hang on a minute; this is what we need to do.’ Since completing Taking the Stage I have definitely spoken up and the men have paid attention. I have gotten a lot of positive comments and was recently elected to be the president of our association!”
Such opportunities make up the life of any business woman. The success you have in these situations will depend on your ability to recognize these as leadership moments, and to know how to seize these opportunities to influence and inspire. Now, more than ever, it's time for women to take the stage. This book will give you a new way of looking at yourself, a new center-stage mind-set and skills, and a stronger resolve to move beyond whatever external barriers you face and seize every opportunity to shine and succeed in your career and in life.
Part One
Choose to Take the Stage
Chapter One
We Have Been Taught to Fit In, Not Stand Out
Growing up, I didn't fit in. I had four sisters who were always together – ice skating, sledding, playing with our animals, dating cute guys, and going to camp, where they met still more friends. But I did not feel part of this youthful euphoria. I remember lying awake at night, counting the days in an average life span, just to get some measure of how long I'd have to endure this isolation. We lived in a very small town where no buses, trains, or taxis stopped. I often wished I could run down to the end of our road and signal a bus to stop and take me anywhere else.
My way out was the violin, which transported me from this social and rural isolation to a glorious world where I could be alone yet connected to something larger than myself – a world of music, of the Masters, of teachers who believed in me, and universities that welcomed my musical talent. Though my parents made it clear they did not want me to become a musician – too Bohemian a lifestyle – I chose my own path and financially fended for myself. Through part-time work, loans, and a fellowship, I managed to support myself and get two master's degrees.
This sense of autonomy pushed me to go further. I bought a Triumph motorcycle in grad school and taught a community course on “Feminism.” My college boyfriends called me a “modern woman.” I became increasingly comfortable taking the stage as the years went by – and I enjoyed more success in doing so.
Most women are socialized to fit in – to seek self-definition through acceptance by others. And many women who acted in accordance with the expectations of others probably had an easier time growing up than I did. But if they want to get ahead in business they must confront a hard reality: their socialization has made them less comfortable than men are standing out and claiming their place in the spotlight. Only when women understand these formative influences can they move beyond their socialization and embody the mindset of a leader.
Girls Are Taught to Fit In
Let's begin with our earliest social interactions on the playground. In her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work, author Deborah Tannen explains, “Boys are expected to put themselves forward, emphasize the qualities that make them look good, and deemphasize those that would show them in a less favorable light…Girls are expected to be ‘humble’ – not try to take the spotlight, emphasize the ways they are just like everyone else, and deemphasize ways they are special. A woman who does this really well comes off as lacking in confidence.”14
Starting in childhood, girls learn that sounding too sure of themselves will make them unpopular with their peers. A group of girls might ostracize a schoolmate who shows too much pride in her accomplishments by saying, “Look at her, she's got attitude”