Now there was no doubt – he was looking at me on purpose. Goosebumps and a wave of strange warmth ran down my spine from the waist to the top of my head. I straightened my shoulders and proudly, as if nothing had happened, walked past. There was no doubt – the first spark had not gone out.
That same night, this spark flared up with a strange heat that engulfed me. Pictures of today appeared before my inner eye and some strange confidence that was born inside when our gazes caught and intertwined. Confidence that this person and I would soon become close and that this was already destined by fate.
I was restlessly tossing and turning in bed, unable to fall asleep from the flood of energy that had washed over me. But damn it, could fate really be playing such a cruel joke, bringing me together with an unfree man? Could this be part of her plans? Or am I missing something? The one who wrote the script for my life definitely likes the tragicomedy genre.
Over these couple of months in St. Petersburg, something inside me has changed. And today, unable to fall asleep on a dark night in an empty apartment, I was left alone with these changes. I had no choice but to look them in the face.
«I can’t do this and give free rein to my nascent feelings. We can’t do this together, it won’t lead to anything good,» I thought frantically, wrapping myself in a thin blanket and looking into the dark emptiness of the apartment. But through these thoughts, a certainty, terrifying in its calm, broke through from somewhere in me: «This is fate. We will be together. After all, people can find their love in any circumstances – even if they are already in a relationship with someone, but feel that they are ready to move on to a new stage of life.» Until the morning, a strange heat in the solar plexus and a desire to look into those eyes again did not allow me to close my eyes – the body knew something that I did not.
But in the following nights, the heat and the desire to solve this riddle turned into a real hunger, twisting the body and not letting me fall asleep. The thought pounded inside – I need to do something quickly, I can’t wait any longer!
One night, I suddenly opened my eyes, feeling something broken and sore in the chest area, a lump in my throat, and the thought echoed in my head: «He’s already married. I didn’t have time. How can I come to terms with this?» Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes, and I fell back into a dreamless sleep that held me tightly in its bonds.
«Who are you?» I whispered into the darkness of the room, realizing that I knew and didn’t know this man at the same time.
From the point of view of common sense, this seemed like nonsense – but for me it was of great importance. I kept this secret until I was able to solve it.
***
The feeling that kept me awake at night sometimes came to me in the daylight, not giving me a chance to let go of the strange attraction to Lev.
One day, while going through the media archives, I accidentally came across an article from last year, where Lev gave an interview about a business trip to Chile. «You again,» I smiled kindly.
Lev was telling how he went on a business trip to a subsidiary IT company, helped build the management of a project to create jobs for local students, and traveled in his free time. He especially liked volcanoes – the country’s calling card and, as it turned out later, a symbol of his character.
At the end of the article there was a note: «Lev. 30 years old. Single.» The article was two years old. I grinned. This phrase bordered on humor and hopelessness – who and why thought it necessary to publicly announce that he was single, and most importantly, for what purpose? Was it really so important to arrange his personal life, and so difficult that after the article I had to give a kind of «announcement»?
These methods caused me unpleasant surprise, but they were the norm here – everyone knew everything about everyone, and there was no personal life – it was a common matter. These attempts to interfere in the personal were disgusting to me, and I immediately felt that they were unpleasant for Lev too, because he had an inner core and independence of spirit. Despite his outward openness, he did not allow anyone to get into his soul.
Looking at the printed article and Lev’s photo against the background of the logo of the Chilean subsidiary in confusion, I mentally addressed him with a confidence that frightened me: «You didn’t wait for me, you got married. And you could have been patient for another two years. Was it really so difficult?»
But, considering these thoughts strange, I quickly drove them away. «What am I thinking about?» – quickly flashed through my head. …Another warm summer day was drawing to a close. My colleagues and I walked out of the glass box of the administration. The sky was a soft peach color, the wind gently slid across my skin. I felt the pleasant weight of my favorite earrings with dark green stones framed by cubic zirconia, which I got from my mother.
All the employees were gathering at the checkpoint. Hundreds of people, unfamiliar, tired faces. And then my gaze caught Lev in the crowd. My eyes radiated a soft light of enjoyment of the warmth of this evening. We exchanged glances. He, like last time, was slightly surprised, and goosebumps ran down my spine again. A smile of timid hope touched my lips, and I smoothly walked past without looking back. But I was sure – he remembered me.
That same evening, I called Kate to find out how she was doing. I wanted to distract myself from the fatigue and the pile of things to do at work, and the strange feeling that I was losing control after meeting Lev. Who would bring me back to reality if not my childhood friend?
– Kate, hi! How are you doing since moving to Moscow? Do you miss Siberia or have you already found yourself a new company there, or even admirers? – I said cheerfully, exposing my face to the gentle rays of the sun and squinting slightly.
– It’s not easy, of course, but that’s normal when moving to a new city. I really like it here! Will you come for the New Year? – I heard the chirping of her joyful voice from the phone.
– Of course, I will! – I nodded eagerly. – Will we celebrate together?
– Yes, so far I have no one to introduce you to, and my heart is free, – I heard her laughter, warming my soul, and I involuntarily smiled broadly. – By the way, Kira, I recently went to look at the social networks of your corporation. I wonder where my friend ended up! You do such cool things! And I also looked at the last post – you have such handsome boys in suits there! To your taste, by the way. Who is that?
There was only one boy in a suit in the last post – I looked into his eyes today. A strange feeling of heat came over me: «He, him again, even now.» Fate teased me and smirked, throwing out signs, it pushed me to action, but what to do and why, I did not yet understand.
– Well, it’s a complicated story, – I blurted out ingenuously, still not finding the right words. – I will definitely tell you, a little later. Don’t be angry with me for intriguing. I myself am no less intrigued by the situation.
Feminine soft power, the ability to attract and ignite interest – maybe this is what the Universe expects from me? Controversial… I have always lived with the feeling that I do not have feminine strength – there is simply strength, asexual and ethereal strength of the soul and intention, complementing clarity of mind and allowing me to confidently move along the waves of life. I have always been a reserved and collected person, my flirting and charisma were peculiar – I opened up only to the man with whom I had communicated enough and whom I began to trust.
But so far there have been no contacts or dialogues between yesterday’s intern in the marketing department and the head of the scientific center for software development.
To tell