– Angela, I have a purely female question for you… Will you help?
Angela squeezed the steering wheel in surprise and smiled. She was not one of those who easily immersed themselves in conversations about relationships and gossip, she felt confident on the sidelines of these topics, touching only on the necessary ones. – Mommy, I’m scared. Come on!
– Remember, you once asked me if I liked Lev… Okay, you figured me out, – I smiled sheepishly, but since I had already started talking, I had to finish the question. My throat went dry. – You said it so confidently. Do you know this man? Can you tell me anything about him?
– I don’t know much, – she answered without a hint of a smile or mockery of the young girl’s feelings, – very smart, gallant. If I were to interact with him, then through joint scientific projects.
– Alas, he is married, – I blurted out, remembering the ring I had seen on him and secretly hoping that I was wrong and that he wore the ring for some other reason.
It seemed to me that Angela worked longer than me, so she should know everything about everyone, and she would definitely tell me that I was wrong.
– Yes? I didn’t know. It often happens that such people don’t stay alone.
I dropped my shoulders. It was as if a heavy stone slab had fallen on my chest again. But inside, in my solar plexus, there was still either a premonition or knowledge that everything was just beginning, despite my restless thoughts that Lev and I getting closer would be something wrong. I smiled. In the small towns where I lived all my adult life, relationships with married men were not exactly taboo, but no one talked about it openly.
– It’s your choice, and you know what you’re getting into, – she continued calmly after a few minutes of silence. – I was in such a relationship myself. Eight years… He didn’t tell me anything. I accidentally found out that he had a wife and two children, but it was too late. Now he’s gone, – she continued too calmly and dryly.
I looked at her. How much time and effort did she have to spend to recover from this episode of her youth? And did she recover completely?
– Yes, you’re right. But how did it happen to you? – I switched my attention to her story and redirected the conversation. I wanted to know more about the person I work side by side with.
Her words surprised me. I remembered the words of my boss a couple of months ago: «Here, in our „temple of science“, such passions boil… Here, families break up!» These words then became for me like a trigger, slightly loosening the shackles of my doubts. Apparently, the attitude towards love triangles and adultery was calmer here. There was no condemnation, fear or gossip when this topic was brought up in conversations.
We drove onto a sandy road and drove up to the security point. I looked at the smoking room from afar, secretly worried that we might not meet in time and my calculations would have misfired. But no, he was standing in his old but elegant gray coat, smoking, smiling and chatting with colleagues about something. His face was still adorned with his unchanging light stubble, complementing his image of a scientist completely captivated by some idea.
Once again, I could not take my eyes off him, which seemed heavy from the outside, and, without looking away, I looked at him from behind the car window. He could not help but feel it and turned his head towards me, looking into my eyes – we locked eyes for a few seconds, a little longer than expected, continuing to play our strange silent game. I noticed shades of fatigue and bewilderment in his eyes. How long would we cast glances at each other, and who would make the first move?
The car stopped at the checkpoint. He headed for the entrance, but froze, watching our car. I opened the door, elegantly sticking out my foot – the stiletto fearlessly stepped onto the dirt-covered road. I walked around the car in a businesslike manner, took out two bags of treats and headed for the entrance – all this time he stood and stared at me. We exchanged nods. «Come on, offer the lady a hand,» I thought with slight displeasure, because this was happening at odds with my morning script in my head.
I continued to smile broadly and with a graceful movement of my wrist lifted the heavy bag to offer my wrist to the guard to take my temperature.
– Happy birthday, I presume? – the guard asked cheerfully.
– Yes sir, – I smiled.
– In that case, congratulations and all the best!
I thanked him warmly, paused for a moment – after all, I expected to hear congratulations from behind my back, but to no avail – and went into the hall of the checkpoint. Feeling that he was following me, I stepped aside, feigned fatigue, put the bags on the floor and caught my breath – as luck would have it, bottles of wine hit the floor with a loud, characteristic sound.
– A bust! – I heard a cheerful, slightly hoarse voice behind me.
Turning around, I saw Lev looking at me, leaning over the bags, and smiling from ear to ear. I was embarrassed, and he silently turned away from me.
His sudden remark made everything inside me boil – he had been looking at me silently for weeks, didn’t know how to start a conversation, and now it happened, he found a reason to talk to me! Even if it wasn’t the way I imagined him.
I calmly picked up the bags and walked through the turnstile, demonstratively stopping at the door and putting them on the floor: I’ll wait for Angela, but I still won’t deprive you, Lev Alexandrovich, of the chance to help me carry the bags, so be it.
I stood there, quietly tapping my heel on the floor tiles, and watched as he approached the post to take the keys to the office and make an entry in the journal. Two forces were fighting inside me: that same hunger that keeps me awake at night. And the voice that was now frantically whispering to me. He said: «Something needs to be done, something needs to be done, the ice has started to melt, you can’t just stand there silently!» There was also human common sense, which didn’t allow me to break the silence and couldn’t find an explanation for it.
A lump rose in my throat – I desperately wanted to continue the dialogue, but he didn’t say anything himself and still didn’t offer his help, so I continued to stand there in confusion and wait for the weather to change.
– What’s your name? Have you already taken the keys? – the security guard sitting at the post asked me, catching my gaze over Lev’s slightly shaggy head.
I perked up.
– My name is Kira, the marketing department. Yes, I gave it to him yesterday.
I pronounced my name syllable by syllable, trying to make it sound a little louder than usual – just loud enough for Lev to hear and understand the name of this mysterious girl with whom he was exchanging glances. He took the keys, turned around, froze for a moment in confusion, looking at me, and hurried away. I sighed in disappointment, barely audibly. «He didn’t behave like a gentleman, of course,» I stated, and then another colleague picked up my bags and carried them to the office. I smiled gratefully and trudged after him.
In the office, my colleagues were waiting for me with joyful cries and hugs – smartly dressed, cheerful, young girls who handed me a bouquet of my favorite fiery orange roses. We began to busily set the table, prepare snacks from the products we had brought. When this was finished, I poured red wine into plastic cups, and we stood in a tight circle.
Less than three