ANNE
The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow.
[Exit SIMPLE.]
A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
ANNE
I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
SLENDER
I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
ANNE
I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes — and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ the town?
ANNE
I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
SLENDER
I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
ANNE
Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER
That’s meat and drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed; but women, indeed, cannot abide ‘em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.
[Re-enter PAGE.]
PAGE
Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
SLENDER
I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.
SLENDER
Nay, pray you lead the way.
PAGE
Come on, sir.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE
Not I, sir; pray you keep on.
SLENDER
Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.
ANNE
I pray you, sir.
SLENDER
I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong indeed, la!
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II. The same
[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE.]
EVANS
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
SIMPLE
Well, sir.
EVANS
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a ‘oman that altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page; and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there’s pippins and cheese to come.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn
[Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN.]
FALSTAFF
Mine host of the Garter!
HOST
What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
HOST
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
HOST
Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine host.
HOST
I have spoke; let him follow. [To BARDOLPH] Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow.
[Exit HOST.]
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive.
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?
[Exit BARDOLPH.]
NYM
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer — he kept not time.
NYM
The good humour is to steal at a minim’s rest.
PISTOL
“Convey” the wise it call. “Steal!” foh! A fico for the phrase!
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL
I ken the wight; he is of substance good.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
PISTOL
Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
PISTOL
He hath studied her will, and translated her will out of honesty into English.
NYM
The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL
As many