‘Oh.’
‘I’m not that nice.’
Ethan stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. He could handle tears from patients and their relatives but this felt more personal than that. She had a handful of paper towels so he couldn’t even offer her a tissue.
Then she blurted it out.
‘I’m having IVF.’
And any fledgling thoughts that possibly he might rather like Penny in that way were instantly doused. Still, at least, in this, he did know what to do. My God, he did, because he wrapped his arms around her and gave her a cuddle. As he did so he was filled with a sense of déjà vu, because his twin sister had been through it so many times and had taught him what to do. Often Kate had wept on him, on anyone who happened to be passing really.
Except there was no feeling of déjà vu when he actually held Penny in his arms. She was incredibly slim and, he was quite sure from her little wriggle to escape, that she wasn’t someone who particularly liked to be held. ‘It must be horrible,’ Ethan said, because Kate had told him that that was a good thing to say when he’d messed up a few times and said the completely wrong thing.
‘I’m a mess,’ Penny mumbled.
‘You’re not a mess,’ Ethan said. ‘It’s just that your hormones are crazy at the moment.’ He would ring Kate tonight and thank her, Ethan thought as he felt Penny relax in his arms. Then he ventured off the given script. ‘So that’s what’s been going on?’
She nodded into his chest and Ethan realised then that her on IVF was the only Penny he had ever known. ‘It’s my second go. That’s why I was away when you started here. I should have taken time off this time.’
He realised now why she’d been so inflexible with the roster on other occasions, all the appointments she would have been juggling would have made it impossible to change—and yet yesterday, at short notice, she had. ‘Why didn’t you just say?’
‘I didn’t want anyone to know. But now I’m just being a bitch to everyone.’
‘You’re not.’
‘Everyone’s saying it.’
‘No,’ Ethan lied, ‘you just come across as a bit tough.’ He gave in then. ‘I bet you’re normally a really nice person.’ He held his breath, worried that he had said the wrong thing, but he felt her laugh a little. ‘I bet you’re a sweet, warm, lovely thing really.’
‘No,’ Penny said. ‘I am a bitch, but you’ve just met the exacerbated version.’ And then she started to cry again. ‘You missed going to the football with your cousin because of me. I’m a horribly selfish person.’
‘Penny, stop it.’
Except she couldn’t stop crying, just wished she could take back that day and he could have had that time with his cousin.
‘Phil and I often went to football, it really wasn’t a big deal, and remember Phil got to spend precious time with Justin that day.’
Finally she felt herself calming, embarrassed now at being held, and she pulled away.
‘You need to go home,’ Ethan said. ‘Were you at the clinic this morning?’
Penny nodded.
‘I can cover more for you now that I know. You come in to work a bit later some mornings, just text me.’
‘It’s not just because I’m tired that I’m crying.’ She took a big breath and told him the embarrassing truth. ‘I’m terrified of needles and Jasmine has been the one giving the injections to me. I’m due for one at six. I’m going to ring the clinic and see if they can give it to me, but I’m not sure what time they close, and then there’s tomorrow …’
Ethan sat her down. ‘Surely one of the nurses can give it to you?’ Ethan suggested, but realised that, of course, she didn’t want anyone to know she was on IVF. ‘I can give you your injections.’
‘God, no.’ Penny shook her head. ‘I’m not just a little bit scared of needles. I get in a right state sometimes—even worse than I am now.’
‘Can’t your partner come in?’ Ethan asked, because Carl had given Kate hers. ‘Surely he’d—’
‘I don’t have a partner. I’m doing this by myself.’
‘You’re doing this on your own?’
‘Yes.’
‘You mean you’d choose …’ As Penny looked at him sharply, luckily Ethan had the good sense to stop talking. He just couldn’t really believe someone would choose to be a parent, let alone a single one—babies really weren’t his forte. But, whatever his thoughts on the subject were, they really weren’t relevant here. Penny wasn’t asking for his opinion, just some help with logistics. Instead, he asked where the clinic was and then looked at his watch.
‘You really do need to get going if you’re going to have a hope of making it there, but if the travelling gets too much, any time you need me to give you an injection, I’m more than happy to.’
‘I don’t think you realise how bad I am with needles.’
‘There’s a straitjacket in the lock-up room,’ Ethan said. And he wasn’t joking, there was a straitjacket in the lock-up room and he knew exactly how petrified some people were of needles. ‘I do know how to give an injection to someone who doesn’t want one, Penny. I tend to do it quite a lot.’ He gave her a smile but she shook her head.
‘I’ll sort something out.’
‘Go, then,’ Ethan said. ‘And thank you for today.’
Of course, it wasn’t quite so straightforward as simply leaving the department and getting to her car. Three people stopped Penny on her way to her office, which she had to go to, because that’s where her bag and keys were, and also her medication.
Penny dashed to her car and pulled out of the car park, ringing the IVF nurse as she did so and being put straight on hold.
Penny hit the beach road and it wasn’t five in the morning, it was nearly five p.m., so the traffic was bumper to bumper. Ringing off, she turned the car round—it took fifteen minutes just to get back to work.
‘I thought you’d be back.’ Ethan smiled.
‘Can I talk to you for a second?’ She just had to let him know what he was getting into. ‘I need these every night at six. I don’t know how long Jasmine is going to be gone and we don’t always work the same shifts.’
‘I know I’m lousy at commitment, Penny,’ Ethan said. ‘But I think I can manage this. I can come into work if I’m not on, or you can come into me, or we can meet in a bar and go into a quiet corner.’ He almost made her smile.
‘From the noises I make they’d think you were attacking me!’ Penny said. ‘I’m not just a little bit scared of needles—I try not to, but sometimes I start crying. I just lose it.’
‘It’s fine.’ He was annoyingly calm.
‘I don’t think you understand. You will not calm me down and even if I say no, I don’t want it, you have to ignore me. Just undo my skirt and stick it in.’
‘I’m not even going to try to respond to that.’ Ethan saw the flush spread on her cheeks and he met her eyes with a smile. ‘Go and get something to eat and sit down for a while and then remind me closer to six.’
Penny tapped him on the shoulder at five to six.
‘Could I have a word in my office, please, Ethan?’
‘Of course.’
‘I need you for a moment, Penny,’ Lisa called as they walked past.