• That’s a shame but it’s OK, I can wait
• Better to be safe than have an accident
• I’ll listen to the radio while waiting.
The more Nick is able to practise this approach, then the easier it becomes for him longer term.
Can you see the difference in his thoughts? And how they in turn would have produced a very different reaction, too? If we believe everything our minds tell us it won’t always produce a rational, sensible outcome.
UNDERSTANDING OUR MINDS A LITTLE MORE
We have around 60–80,000 thoughts per day according to neuroscientific research. Some of the research indicates that as much as 60 to 70 per cent of thought content can be negative in nature. When I say negative, let me give some context. Back in Neanderthal times it was helpful to have fearful protective thoughts as a means of staying safe from predatory animals. The problem is we have evolved as a species and we don’t need as many of these types of thoughts to protect us any more.
It’s important to understand that most of our thoughts are automated processes and link closely with our life experiences, culture, rules, beliefs and predisposition. This is how our neurological pathways develop thought patterns. In simple terms, we have often formed habitual ways of thinking that are the ‘norm’ for us but not necessarily helpful. Don’t fret though because, like all habits, thought habits can be unlearnt.
Look at the statements below. They represent some habitual unhelpful thinking styles. How many of these are familiar to you? Take a little time with this to try to see how many you can personally identify with.
• I won’t be able to do it
• I’m not good enough
• Nothing good ever happens to me
• Everything is terrible
• It has to be this way or I won’t do it
• I think someone else will be better for the job
• This is a disaster
• It’s not my problem
• This is not fair
It doesn’t matter whether you tick one or all of the above, the important thing here is that you recognize your unhelpful thinking patterns. Let us explore a little further how these ways of thinking impact the mind.
• If you engage and cooperate with a mind that tells you you won’t be able to do something, then in life you are unlikely to take any risks.
• If you listen to a mind that tells you that you’re not good enough, then you will transmit that vibe to the world and those around you.
• If you take seriously a mind that tells you that nothing good happens for you, then you lose sight of any positive or joyful events that do occur.
• If you cooperate with a mind telling you everything is terrible, then life will feel terrible a lot of the time.
• If you abide with a mind instructing you that it has to be this way or nothing, then you become inflexible and rigid. This is an uncomfortable way to live.
Most of these negative ways of thinking are simply habits of thought, not facts. I am going to repeat that. Most of what you think is thought, not fact. The challenge is how you decide to relate to your thoughts. If you believe the content of your mind to be the gospel truth, then you will struggle, and happiness will be absent. The freedom comes when you decide not to believe absolutely everything your mind is telling you and when you realize what you can let go of.
Every person reading this book will have an area of their life that their mind is getting in the way of. It might be a relationship issue, making a change, going for a promotion, making a fresh start or taking a risk. I would encourage you to list now three key areas in your life that feel blocked or limited by your mind, your way of thinking.
Would you like your thoughts to have less hold over your life?
If yes, then you are halfway there. The motivation to change is a large part of the journey.
HOW YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD
Considering the complexity of the human mind, changing your thought patterns might seem like a mammoth task. But you can do it, using a few simple techniques.
I have developed a four-step method to change your thought patterns, which I will guide you through. To start with, this will feel unusual, as the brain will likely want to revert to old patterns. The trick is to persevere. You are teaching the mind to respond in a different way. In time, healthier responses will become the new normal.
STEP 1: ACKNOWLEDGE AN UNHEALTHY THOUGHT
Acknowledging an unhealthy thought pattern is a little like appeasing someone who wants to get your attention in some way. If you ignore them or push them away, they may keep coming back until their needs are met. When you acknowledge your mind, even while it is not operating in a functional or helpful way, you are immediately taking control of your thought patterns. You are saying to your mind, ‘OK, I see you are there and I’m acknowledging you.’ Automatically you take back a little control and break old patterns.
STEP 2: CREATE SPACE
When the mind is creating negative or unhelpful content you have a choice in how engaged you become with it. Remember, they are thoughts, not facts. During my time as a psychotherapist I have come across numerous techniques for creating space in the mind. My favourite is the ‘movie director’.
Visualize your thoughts as if they are playing out on a movie screen. You are simply watching all of the content of your mind. You have two options:
1. Either you can climb into the movie set and engage with the action. It will produce lots of drama. It’s not likely to prove helpful.
2. Or you can observe and watch the movie, like a director. Then decide on the content you want to let go of.
The second option will allow you space to stop and breathe rather than accepting your thoughts as true. Remember you are not overthinking or analyzing the thoughts, you are simply letting go. You are directing your mind. It is not directing you.
STEP 3: EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE
Sometimes the mind can create some harsh material for us to digest:
• You are rubbish
• You are a failure
• You are ugly
• You are stupid.
If you’re going to listen to and engage with such content surely you owe it to yourself to ask whether it’s 100 per cent true? And if so, where is the evidence?
When you think about it rationally, your mind likely won’t be able to provide irrefutable evidence. And you have the opportunity to provide it with alternative evidence.