STEP 4: LET GO
The mind’s unhelpful content often arrives with intensity and force. It can sometimes seem impossible to challenge it. However, this four-step process provides you with a strategic, disciplined approach to letting go of your unhelpful thoughts. Acknowledging the mind, creating space and examining the evidence places you in a perfect position to let go of the unhelpful thoughts. With practice and patience this process will become more routine.
The following tips may also be helpful to support this process.
• Try to lower the stress barometer of your life. The mind produces more intense thoughts when your emotional barometer is high and these are harder to step back from.
• High cortisol and adrenaline will speed up the mind and create more activity. Physical activities can help you burn off stress.
• Lifestyle or work–life balance is essential.
• Healthy foods reduce some excitability in the mind. Explore some of the online resources that have countless suggestions for healthy mind foods.
HOW THIS WILL CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR HAPPINESS
Research, particularly from the world of mindfulness and anxiety treatments, shows the benefits of this process. Disengaging from the unhelpful content of the mind leads to:
• Improved motivation
• Clearer thinking
• Improved decision making
• Better relationships
• Improved self-confidence
• Greater productivity
• Balanced moods
• A more rational perspective
• A calmer mind
• Clarity.
I am sure you would agree that in a world crowded with noise, creating space between you and your mind is a no-brainer (pardon the pun!). Who wouldn’t want these benefits to lighten the load in a world full of challenges? We all spend way too much time attending to our minds’ thoughts, believing that’s where the answers are to be found. The reality is that the solution is often found in challenging those thoughts.
COMMITMENT
Remember, I am not saying you should never try to attend to your thoughts again! But if you’re struggling, you are likely giving way too much attention to your negative thoughts. Committing to engaging less with these thoughts is an important act of self-care. Essentially, you are standing up to your mind’s unhelpful thinking and saying, ‘Enough is enough.’ With this commitment, you will find empowerment and strength.
You will generally feel happier.
I invite you now to write down your commitment to yourself for what you will do to challenge negative thoughts. Remember, you are paying less attention to your mind because much of the negative content it creates is getting in the way of your life.
For example, the commitment could be: I commit to reminding myself that I am not the content of my mind and that thoughts are not facts.
Whether it’s work, relationships, family matters, your future, how you look, your weight or any area that is causing you difficulty, the same rules apply for all. Engage less with the unhelpful thoughts.
CASE STUDY
Julie is a forty-year-old mum of two young children and working full-time as a bank manager. When she came to my private practice for therapy she was exhausted, anxious and not sleeping well. Her initial goal in therapy was to learn techniques to cope better at work as she was about to be promoted and take on more responsibility.
As I began working with Julie, I soon discovered that she was clearly a very competent, loving mum. She loved her husband and enjoyed her job. Her external world was relatively stable. Initially I wondered whether it was the sheer volume of responsibility that was causing her issues. We discussed boundaries, time management and all sorts of techniques. This wasn’t helpful. Every week she would return to therapy in the same tired, anxious emotional state. We were clearly not on the right track.
It was around the fourth session when Julie came in, sat down and cried for nearly fifteen minutes before she spoke. When she had composed herself I asked her how she was. She replied, ‘It’s still the same.’ I asked her what ‘it’ was. ‘My mind.’ I asked her to describe what that was like – and her description provided the solution.
Julie described a mind that was on hyper-alert the entire time: thinking, worrying, planning, wondering, questioning, doubting and self-criticising. Although her presentation was theoretically in line with diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder, I was less interested in labelling her with a diagnosis. For me, measurable improvement is much more important. It was very clear to me that the root of her current problem was linked to how she was relating to her mind. We explored this further. She was paying attention to all of her mind’s activity. She was over-engaging with the thoughts, trying to work them out.
Despite the content of her mind – often self-critical thoughts – she eloquently described the tone of her mind. It was like a head mistress telling her she wasn’t good enough and that she was failing at everything all of the time. Such thoughts were creating anxiety and exhaustion as she tried to battle them.
I asked Julie the following questions:
• Have you ever acknowledged your thoughts just as thoughts, not facts?
• Have you ever created any space between you and your thoughts?
• Have you ever examined the evidence as to whether these thoughts are true?
• Have you ever considered that you can let these thoughts go?
It will come as no surprise that the answer to every question was no. From that moment our agenda for therapy was set and Julie embarked on her journey to pay less attention to her negative thoughts. She worked on the techniques, practised between sessions and within a few weeks she started to improve considerably. Her anxiety dropped, her sleep improved and her energy returned. Julie was no longer a slave to her mind.
Julie’s distress ultimately wasn’t caused by the challenges of her external world but by her relationship with the internal wrangling of her mind.
Julie’s story is not uncommon. Sometimes accepting negative thoughts as true without question is the primary problem but, more often than not, it is accompanied by other difficulties. Nevertheless, the mind is the epicentre of all our experiences, so mastering these techniques will liberate you in more ways than you can imagine.
If Julie’s story strikes a chord with you, I encourage you to pay close attention to your commitment to the work in this chapter. While all of the work in each chapter is important, the mind’s impact on our wellbeing can seem less obvious, but it is vital. Take control of your mind and you are on the road to regaining more joy in your life. Regrets will lessen, which, as it happens, is the next step on our journey: learning to manage