HAPPINESS
When I talk about happiness, I don’t want to offer a definition of what happiness will look like for you. I don’t think anyone can do that. You will know what a happier life will look like, whether that’s feeling more content, free, relaxed, unburdened, or authentic. It could be one thing; it may be many.
For me, I am happiest when I am at ease with myself and the people in my life. It’s not always a natural state. Sometimes it can go away, of course, but thankfully I know the way back. This is ultimately what I want to share with you. Getting you back on track to your happiness, whatever that means. But it involves effort, commitment and willingness to start letting go of the things that get in your way. I’ll explain.
HOW DOES THIS BOOK WORK?
When I was planning this book, I agonized over how I would structure it in a way that was meaningful and would make sense to everyone who would read it. I had an epiphany moment one day when I was out walking my dog. To be honest, I was clearing up the dog’s poop when a question came to mind: ‘What do most people you treat struggle with?’ And that laid the foundation for this book!
We are all driven by three systems at any given moment:
• Threat: anxiety, fear, protective mechanisms, guarded behaviours, avoidance
• Drive: achieving, distracting, fast living, substances to help us cope
• Soothe: self-soothing strategies that help us manage life (e.g. meditating, time out, self-compassion, soothing voice)
Almost every person I have ever treated in therapy wants to be a little happier. Most are driven by the threat and drive systems which are not in balance, and few of them can self-soothe. Despite coming to me with vastly different stories, almost 100 per cent of my clients have presented with similar themes that interfere with their happiness. Directly or indirectly they all link to the threat and drive systems being activated.
I’ve identified the top ten key themes:
1. The past
2. The mind
3. Regrets
4. Worry
5. Other people
6. Unhelpful behaviours
7. Blaming
8. Comparing
9. Addiction to drama
10. The future
All of these behaviours and preoccupations contribute significantly to feelings of unhappiness. I believe for each one you tackle – by engaging more with your soothing system along with more adaptive coping strategies, which I’ll be teaching you – you have the opportunity to be happier than when you started.
Throughout the book you will work through a four-step process for dealing with each area by looking at:
• Why you are struggling and what the underlying psychological processes are
• Solutions for how to move forward
• What commitment is required
• How this will improve your life and contribute to your happiness.
The only requirements are an open mind and allowing a little time to think over the material I’m presenting. It will also be useful to have a notebook to use as a journal so you can write down your thoughts and record your progress at various points.
I wholeheartedly believe there will be insights here that will help shape your life and future happiness.
A FEW PRACTICALITIES
I have changed the names and amended details of any clients, stories or case studies mentioned in the book. This is to protect anonymity and of course respect the stories of people involved. Any similarities are purely coincidental.
Whilst I hope this book can offer great help and support to you, please always seek professional guidance and support if you are struggling to manage. The book isn’t therapy in itself but offers tools to help you cope and move forward with the areas that are keeping you stuck. I provide a list of support organizations at the end of the book.
But for now, let’s get started as we move to the first chapter on your journey to a happier life.
STOP LOOKING BACK, YOU’RE NOT GOING THAT WAY
It was week four of a twelve-week group programme for ten very depressed clients. I was a newly qualified therapist in the early days of my career. I had a nice circle of chairs set up and a scented candle burning, and I was even wearing my therapist cardigan. What could go wrong? In short, everything! All of the clients in the group were angry, frustrated and disillusioned with everything, and that included me. I was stuck and they were stuck. The only comfort in the room was the wafting smell of the lavender and ginger candle.
Suddenly one of the participants, Angela, a recently divorced mum of two young children, declared, ‘Therapy is bullsh*t, all we do is sit and complain.’ There was rapturous applause from the group and there it was, my therapist light bulb moment.
I had an intuitive urge to ask everyone in the group to stand up, which I did. In truth I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do with them but I knew I had to do something. I had to think on my feet, knowing that the ‘Hokey Cokey’ or a group hug wasn’t going to cut it in this instance. Trust me, ten angry, depressed clients are not an easy audience and I momentarily felt like I was in the lion’s den!
Then something quite magical happened. As the group stood up they suddenly quietened and a new mood of curiosity entered the room. Doing what any therapist would do, I commented on the change of atmosphere. A reply soon followed from Angela: ‘Well, at least now we’re doing something to get us out of this mess.’ It was the doing something that opened the door to new possibilities.
More quick thinking was required on my part. I realized the only props I had in the room were a window looking out onto a nice view of some trees and a dark, crumbling wall on the other side of the room. I decided these polar opposite views would be my tools. The window would represent a future that looked more hopeful and the dark wall would represent all the difficulties in the past that helped maintain depression.
I asked the entire group to form a line while I explained to them what the window and the wall represented. Then I asked them to turn towards the side of the room that represented what they would like therapy to focus on. Almost perfectly synchronized, they all turned towards the window. There was silence as they looked out onto the trees and a tangible sense of calm entered the room.
I then asked them where they felt their attention was focussed most of the time in everyday life. Again, perfectly synchronized, without hesitancy, they all turned towards the wall. None of the group said anything as they continued to stare at the wall. After a moment’s silence, I asked a simple question: ‘What do you think might be the problem with spending a lot of time focussed on the wall?’
This time the reply came from John, a twenty-four-year-old who rarely spoke in the group.
John’s