‘I can’t tell you anything until I’ve spoken to Michael’s lawyers.’
He let go of her arm, leaving a cold empty space, but that was what he always did. Went away. University, gap year, for ever. He leaned forward over the buggy, tenderly tucking the blanket around Posie where she’d kicked it loose in her sleep, then began to move on through the park.
‘Can’t? Or won’t?’ she demanded, planting her feet, refusing to take another step until he gave her an answer. ‘What is it you’re keeping from me?’
He stopped. ‘It won’t help.’
‘I think I’m the best judge of what helps me, Josh.’
He glanced at her. ‘You’re wrong about Michael telling me everything. He didn’t share whatever decision he’d made with me, which suggests there were unresolved issues.’
‘I think we can both guess what they were.’
He shrugged. ‘Maybe. There was some correspondence with his lawyer regarding the surrogacy and it’s clear that Michael and Phoebe intended to draw up new wills once Posie was legally theirs, but as far as I can tell nothing had been signed.’
‘So that means…?’ She lifted her shoulders.
‘I won’t know for sure until I’ve talked to the lawyer. Even a draft setting out their wishes would be something.’ He stretched out a hand. ‘Come on. The sooner I get there, the sooner we’ll both know where we stand.’
He didn’t move to take her hand as he had before. This time he waited for her to choose, to meet him halfway. And, ignoring his hand, she tucked her own back under his arm. A gesture of trust.
‘Maybe I should come with you.’
‘You can trust me, Grace. I’ll look after your interests. You’ll be better occupied at the craft centre.’
‘But…’
‘As soon as I’m done, I’ll join you. Once we know what we’re faced with, we can talk it through. Make decisions.’
It made sense, she supposed. Then, as another thought struck her, ‘Will you tell him? About Posie? About…’ She swallowed. There was something so intimate about the fact that they’d created a baby together—even though they had been at opposite ends of the earth when it had happened—that she couldn’t quite bring herself to say the words. Couldn’t bring herself to say us.
‘About our involvement in Posie’s conception?’ he filled in for her.
Involvement.
Good word. If you wanted to eradicate any suggestion of intimacy. And why not? There had only been one night of us and while for her it had been the only night, he had been the only one, she had no illusions that he’d spent the last ten years dreaming of her. That dream had been shattered the day he’d turned up with a beautiful young woman and announced they’d stopped over in Bali on their way to England and got married.
‘That would be the involvement you just announced to a street full of people?’
Her hand flew to her mouth. ‘I didn’t!’
‘I’m paraphrasing, but “… there’s a baby that you and I made…” just about covers it.’
She groaned.
‘Relax. Most people just wanted to get away from the mad woman as fast as they could.’
‘You’re just saying that to make me feel better.’
‘No. I swear. At least three people crossed the street.’
‘Only three?’ She shook her head, but she was smiling.
‘That’s better. And, to answer your question, I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by telling him about us and robbing Phoebe and Michael of something they’d longed for with such a passion. It’s nobody’s business but ours, Grace.’
Ours. Us.
Josh savoured the words, drinking them in like a man who’d been wandering in the desert.
He’d locked himself out of Grace’s life a long time ago. He hadn’t fully understood why she’d been trapped like a fledgling, too scared to fly the nest that Phoebe and Michael had made for her. He’d accepted that it was somehow mixed up with her childhood, but he’d never pushed her to explain. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to, preferring to tell himself that it was for the best, that she’d have slowed him down, instead of being honest with himself. Facing his own demons.
But those two tiny words—ours, us—like the infant who’d dropped off to sleep in the buggy, joined them in a unique alliance that set them apart from the rest of the world. They were a family.
He was a father and that was a responsibility he couldn’t run away from.
They reached the corner where their ways divided but, instead of parting, they stood, her hand linking them together, and for a moment it seemed that she was as reluctant as him to break the connection.
He was on the point of suggesting that perhaps, after all, she should go with him to talk to Michael’s lawyer, when she finally took her arm from his and said, ‘I’d better let you go.’
He caught her hand. ‘We’re in this together, Grace.’
‘Are we?’
‘I’ll do whatever it takes to protect Phoebe and Michael. I owe them that.’
‘And Posie?’
‘I’ll protect her with my life.’
As he would Grace. He couldn’t begin to guess how hard this was going to be for her. Desperate with worry about the future of a child who she had never, whether she’d admit it or not, truly given up, when she should be left in peace to grieve for her sister.
‘This is all my fault,’ she said. ‘If I hadn’t—’
‘Don’t!’ He’d done everything he could to prevent her from having this baby, prevent himself from becoming a father, but he couldn’t bear to hear her put what he’d wished into words. Not now he’d held Posie, seen her smile. ‘Please, don’t do that to yourself.’
Or to him.
She lifted her stricken face.
‘But it’s true. I wanted them to go away for the weekend, planned it, gave it to them as my treat because I wanted to have Posie to myself. Just for the weekend. Only for the weekend…’
Oh, dear God. It wasn’t colluding with Phoebe that was tormenting her. She was blaming herself for the accident.
‘No,’ he said. And, when she would have argued, he said it again. ‘No. It’s always like this when someone dies,’ he said. ‘The guilt kicks in. You can only think of the things you did wrong. Or didn’t do at all,’ he added, thinking of his own miserable, selfish response to something that had made his brother so happy. ‘They can overwhelm you, take on an importance completely out of proportion to their true meaning.’
She shook her head.
‘You have to remember the good things. Remember how happy you made them both.’ He squeezed her arm reassuringly, then touched the sleeping baby’s head. ‘I’ll see you both later,’ he said, taking a step back, saving the picture of the two of them in his mind before tearing himself away.
Grace unlocked the door to her workshop, kicking aside the mail so that she could get the buggy in, turning on the lights.
She’d expanded from her original tiny workroom, moving into this wonderful airy space when it had become vacant a couple of years ago.