Surviving Girlhood. Rachel Beddoe

of conflict or bullying, only for the cycle to begin again in a sequence of repetition that leaves adults exasperated and confused, as demonstrated in Figure 3.1. For the victim on the receiving end of bullying or relationally aggressive behaviour, the need to be included in the group and the desire to maintain social links will see them returning to the circle or continually engaging with the protagonist in a push-and-pull scenario, where others are encouraged to take sides and stake their support for one girl or the other. The victim of such behaviour might also be aware that she may be safer in the group than outside it, as she can employ her own relationally aggressive behaviours to target someone else as the victim next time, leaving her safe from the line of fire. This fluid, ever-changing dynamic of female relationships speaks of the difficulty in identifying a clear victim and perpetrator and understanding the roles of the other members of the group. While there may often be a ‘Queen Bee’ of a group who leads and directs the dramas that unfold around her, her actions may be so subtle or manipulative that it becomes hard to account the situation to her behaviour. Similarly, the victims, messengers and bystanders may be hard to define, as the web of ‘who did what to whom’ becomes unendingly tangled.

Figure 3.1: The cycle of relationship dramas

      This inauthentic and messy cycle of friendships can have far-reaching consequences. The tactics, behaviours and beliefs that girls learn in childhood and adolescence stay with them into adulthood, becoming a model for how to parent and raise their own children, as well as interact with friends, family and a spouse in later life. Girls who believe that love is subservience, or who learn that power is control, and that control is gained by violence and aggression, will undoubtedly model these behaviours to their own children in the future. Girls whose relationships are fraught with anxiety, dominance, abuse and power struggles will likely create romantic relationships of the same nature and struggle to break free to experience more authentic relationships, seemingly meeting the same kind of partner over and over again as their beliefs and expectations for relationships are mirrored in the characteristics of their partner, however unproductive and unhealthy they may be. This succession of poor friendship behaviours to girl bullying and relational aggression, poor romantic relationships and parenting, as depicted in Figure 3.2, describes the ongoing cycle that our schools, communities and society as a whole will have to manage for generations to come, unless girls are supported to seek a new way to meet their needs and develop healthy connections with others. Education and support for boys is also key: as girls are supported to better understand their needs and values, and to build authentic relationships, so too must boys be educated about the constructs of a positive, healthy romantic or sexual relationship, and how to meet their needs while meeting those of their partners. Common stereotypes and cultural perceptions that boys must be seen to be strong, hiding their feelings and playing a role of dominance and control, is just as unhelpful and important to explore.

Figure 3.2: An ongoing cycle

      For many girls the concept of friendship is a saccharine ideal – friends are trustworthy, supportive and fun. In reality, many young people fail to see the connection between their own behaviour and the notion of themselves as a friend, and are unaware of the damaging methods they use to meet their social needs through friendships. Many young women may make connections with others not based on a mutual care, bond or shared interest, but on a perceived sense of social status or protection from bullying or relational conflict – the notion that it safer to be ‘friends’ with the school bully, than not. The alarming trend of creating exaggerated numbers of virtual connections also muddies the waters of appropriate friendly behaviour and interaction. While most girls can link the idea of a friend to those they spend time with in school or in their neighbourhood, the birth of social networking, Internet-ready phones and interactive gaming has expanded the concept of friendship to become a blanket ideal for almost anyone, whether they are known in the real world, or not. A report published by the Kaiser Family Foundation in 2010 suggested that on average 40 per cent of boys and girls aged 8–18 are likely to visit social networking sites in a typical day and girls are likely to remain on those sites for over an hour. A survey conducted in 2011 by the consumer research group Intersperience found that teenagers aged 13–16 average 450 people as their ‘friends’ or contacts on their social networking sites, a number they are highly unlikely to know in a face-to-face capacity (Intersperience Research 2011).

      While expanded social connection is now a reality that can bring many benefits, the dangers of allowing young people open and free access to the Internet, representing a potential connection to billions of people, are sadly all too real for young victims of cyber bullying, cyber stalking, identity theft, online harassment and, in extreme cases, sexual abuse and paedophilia.

      The needy, manipulative and socially promiscuous behaviour of some young women is a dangerous recipe for unwanted and destructive contact, either in the real or virtual world. While we strive to educate our young people about bullying, it is clear that we need to also develop their social skills, social responsibility and inner awareness of what it means to be a friend. Equally concerning, young people’s sense of privacy is far different nowadays than that of older generations, as children and teenagers are accustomed to leaving a virtual footprint on the World Wide Web, opening the way for potential identity crimes, the theft of personal information and a trail of traceable data, including images and video, that young people may rather forget as they grow older.

      Cyber bullying

      Cyber bullying is the bullying of a person or persons through the use of technology such as mobile phones and the Internet. The explosion of the Internet, particularly social networking sites, and the availability of personal computers and mobile devices with web connectivity have simultaneously expanded our world to new possibilities and opened the floodgates of opportunity for bullying, harassment, cruelty and criminal activity.

      As countless research studies have found, the level of cyber bullying has steadily increased since the birth of common access to technology, with young women in particular claiming to be the victim of such behaviour. There are seven types of cyber bullying: bullying via text message, phone call, email, Instant Messenger (IM, e.g. MSN), websites (including social networking sites), video and pictures (on phones, cameras, posting images on the web) and through Internet chat rooms.

      Cyber bullying may be more difficult to label and define than more traditional forms, and the debate rolls on as to whether a, theoretically speaking, ‘single’ incident (such as posting a nasty comment on a person’s social networking site) is bullying or not, primarily because the comment is repeated by the nature of it being displayed on multiple people’s computers and possibly being commented upon by multiple people. It is, in essence, still a single act and not repeated by the perpetrator, as the definitions used to categorize behaviours as bullying describe. These acts, whether bullying or cyber harassment, can encourage negative bystander action as others are tempted to write a comment online or forward a picture or text message. The physical distance between victim and perpetrator can create a disconnection from the true impact of the behaviour: the remorse and empathy that may be elicited by seeing another person in pain is often removed when the impact is distanced.

      By the nature of cyber bullying, evidence of an attack is easier to collect as victims can print emails, save text messages or copy online conversations as they occur. Similarly, defending oneself from subsequent attacks can be as easy as blocking an email address or contact on a website, or changing a telephone number, although in reality dissuading a persistent attacker may not be so simple. Some young people are reluctant to block contacts from their phone or social networking site, as to not know what is being said about oneself can seemingly be worse than knowing. Being out of the social loop is also a great fear for young people whose lives revolve around their connections with others.

      Whether a victim of cyber bullying blocks the perpetrator’s attacks or not, they may find they have little solace at home or outside of school, where