A school-wide or individualized programme that seeks to promote positive relationships with others must also include a focus on developing a positive relationship with oneself. Too often adults and children struggle to maintain friendships, social and family connections, or romantic relationships because of their inability to relate to, and be in relationship with, themselves. Young women who are supported in developing strong and healthy self-relationships are less likely to be distrustful, abusive or manipulative, and are more likely to be able to regulate their emotions, demonstrate empathy, create strong social connections and live in alignment to their needs and values.
Needs and values
All relationships are essentially an interplay of needs, and arguably all of our actions are conscious and unconscious techniques to meet our needs. The prominent psychologist Abraham Maslow defined basic human needs as survival, protection/safety, belonging, competence/learning, and autonomy or self-actualization (Maslow 1943), but the list of non-basic needs is endless. Each of us may have a list of key needs based on our personalities and our values (the things that are most important to us) that we strive to fulfil on a daily basis, whether we are conscious of it or not. This may be a need for organization and to be ordered, a need for control or power, a need for adventure and autonomy – the list is inexhaustible and unique to each person. Consider what may be important to you and how this is reflected in your daily life. Noting how our needs are met, or are not being met, may give us clues to where we seek satisfaction in life and where conflicts may be occurring. For example, a person with a need for order and control may feel extremely uncomfortable and conflicted working in a chaotic, ever-changing and disorganized office.
Our children come to school with a long list of needs, and for some not even basic needs of protection and survival (having clean clothes, adequate warmth and nutritious food) are being fulfilled at home. Entering a place where they are expected to concentrate and learn in an already needy state is clearly a recipe for disaster, as we often see with children who truant, have difficulty concentrating, or cause behavioural disruptions. For other children, less obvious but nonetheless crucial needs go unfulfilled, such as a need for connection, belonging or attention. Regardless of whether parents and home life provide basic needs, children, like all of us, will still need affection, interest, fun, growth, learning – all of which can be fulfilled by teachers, other students, and through the learning process.
While having needs is completely natural, complications arise when we are unaware of our needs or seek to meet them in unhealthy or unresourceful ways. Consider the young woman who meets her need for attention and appreciation by dressing provocatively, or the young man who strives to meet his needs for connection and acceptance by displaying aggressive behaviour and joining a violent gang. Education and awareness-raising about needs may be particularly crucial for young women who may be at risk of trying to meet their needs in ways which lead to sexual promiscuity, early pregnancy, bullying, alcohol and drug abuse, or domestic abuse in romantic relationships.
Understanding the needs of the individual reminds us of the importance of being aware of the needs of the whole – in this case the whole-school community. By focusing on individual needs, we are better placed to consider the needs of the collective, which this programme strives to achieve. A person, group or community whose needs are fully met are then in a stronger position to seek to meet the needs of others. As members of the school community begin to feel supported, listened to and connected, rather than disparate and disconnected, people can come together to solve wider issues and to contribute to solutions, rather than problems. Understanding and meeting our needs also allows us to consider what is important to us and to create a life that reflects our innermost values. On a collective level, the school reflects the values of all its members when they work together to meet each other’s needs in positive, resourceful ways.
As you may note, the activities and worksheets included here do not focus much on bullying, despite our overall aim of reducing girl bullying. Instead, our focus is on encouraging and developing girls’ emotional and social awareness by focusing on meeting their needs and living their values in a positive, constructive manner. The activities promote the competencies we all wish to see in our schools and communities, which naturally lead to a reduction in relationship issues, bullying, aggression and violence across the school. The lessons learned are, in fact, a shift in awareness, as girls begin to understand themselves and others better. These ‘life lessons’ foster empathy, emotional literacy, social skills, conflict resolution skills and, most importantly, self-esteem and self-acceptance.
Chapter 3
Girl Friendships and Girl Bullying
The Facts
As any parent or teacher will know, the very natures of girls’ friendships are complex and can be difficult to understand. The social nature of women, more so than men, can lead to girls forming tight-knit groups of friends in addition to, or instead of, a best friend, driven by their need for social interaction and acceptance. A role in a group can provide a sense of connection and protection but can also lead to dissonance and conflict when the needs of individuals in the group differ or members seek to meet their needs in unhealthy or unresourceful ways. For many girls, friendships are the centre of their world, whether they are positive relationships or not. Girls’ relationships are marked by intimacy as young women look to their friends for social, emotional and physical support. Girls will talk about feelings and issues, be emotional, and share secrets and gossip to a greater extent than boys, whose relationships are far more fluid and detached.
Research states that during early adolescence girls grow in self-consciousness, becoming more concerned with how they are received and liked by others. Their desire to achieve decreases as their desire to be well liked increases, affecting girls’ confidence and self-esteem as well as their self-perception. Adolescent girls become increasingly people-oriented, while boys are more concerned with achievement (Rosenburg and Simmons 1975).
When things go wrong in female relationships, girls have a greater tendency to internalize thoughts and feelings, ruminating on the problem and creating patterns of thinking that can become exaggerated and disproportionately negative. Negative thoughts can fester and dominate a person’s perspective until they are owned and are accepted as fact. The girl who hears a rumour about her appearance can quickly create an exaggerated perception of how others view her, amplifying the original comment to gargantuan proportions and internalizing the results as her own beliefs, thereby believing herself to be unstylish, ugly, unwanted, or the like. The thoughts, if repeated enough, become beliefs, which in turn can become externalized as behaviours, as the girl who believes others think of her as ugly lashes out with words or fists to communicate her pain or retaliate for the hurt she feels. The recipient of such behaviour may be shocked at the depth of feeling elicited by such a seemingly innocent comment. Teachers and parents should be particularly aware of the strength of internalized beliefs and their impact on behaviour: many teachers will have experienced out of character behaviour or a reaction from a child that is completely disproportionate to the event, as a negative perception, belief or pattern of thinking is triggered. Girls particularly are more likely to engage in relationally aggressive behaviours as a result of internalized thoughts and beliefs than boys, who employ physically aggressive actions instead. This behaviour may include destroying other girls’ relationships; damaging reputations; engaging in manipulation, such as coercing others into self-serving action; encouraging others to take sides; and using tactics such as gossip spreading, cyber bullying and verbal put-downs.
The strong need for connection and approval through social connections and from peers can keep girls returning to the same